The Batlord

Alright, I usually don't concentrate on art as much as some people, but I'll make an exception for Rob Liefeld. A few things. Why does Shatterstar (the samurai/musketeer with the boxing training headgear) have a sword with two blades? What purpose could that extra blade possibly serve, other than to make the sword heavier and less capable of actually cutting things? I can only assume that Rob was shaving one day and looked down at his twin-blade, disposable razor. Looked up at his reflect in the mirror. Looked down. Looked up. "I'VE GOT IT!!!" Also, note the gun in Cable's hand. I've heard it said that Rob Liefeld often haphazardly adds weapons to his characters' hands after the fact. This is clearly one of those cases. If you look closely, you'll see that the trigger guard on Cable's gun is disappearing into his hand. It's not being held between his fingers either. It's going right into his knuckles, as if there has just been a horrific Star Trek transporter accident. Rob Liefeld clearly drew a fist and just added that gun at the end without even trying to make it look believable. On a cover. I could note many other things that look awkward here, but that would take far too long. I'll just add that I haven't counted any feet, as they are all covered up by an arbitrary dust cloud. I don't think that I am going to enjoy this...

Good lord, where do I start? First of all, if I'm picking up issue #1 of an entirely new series, I should be able to actually understand what's going on. Apparently X-Force is picking up where the New Mutants series (which ended to basically become X-Force) left off. Like, without skipping any sort of beat or giving a single sentence to recap what's happened up to this point. This issue starts off with the team (Cable, Domino, Warpath, Shatterstar, Cannonball, Feral, and "Boom Boom") attacking some base in Antarctica with almost no context. Apparently this "Mutant Liberation Front" is doing... something, but what exactly this is Rob Liefeld doesn't even attempt to explain. Afterward it cuts to two completely random guys I've never even heard of, who don't appear to be anywhere near Antarctica, doesn't explain who they are, doesn't explain their relationship to X-Force, and doesn't even really tell you what the **** they're doing. They're just kinda of fighting some training robots, and then they go into a board meeting of what I assume to be a company that they run. You could have taken it out and the main story wouldn't have been changed in any way. Okay... That's pretty much all that happens.




Real talk, except for the fact that the Mutant Liberation Front's leader is some guy named Stryfe, who's dressed like a Power Rangers Megazord, you've pretty much been given all the information that you're gonna get. I have found exactly no reasons to give a **** about the "plot" of this issue. None. Zero. Zip. Zilch. Nada. Bupkis. Good job, Rob. You're an inspiration to blithering idiots everywhere.

Of course, I've read some poorly written comics in my time. Just give me some good characters, though, and I can deal. Good thing X-Force #1 doesn't just give us characters whose only real dialogue other than boring, uninformative exposition consists of sub-Schwarzenegger one-liners. Oh wait...




How do you turn that in and still get paid? That's pretty much the high point of the funny too. And actual character development? Rob Liefeld is clearly above such populist nonsense. If you can't appreciate his characters for their wooden, two-dimensional dialogue, then you're clearly a Philistine and would be better off reading drivel like War and Peace.

Gah. There's nothing else really to do except to count the number of feet that Rob actually drew... Alright, **** it, I stopped counting. He actually drew a lot of feet. Terrible feet, that look like something you would dig holes with to plant Azaleas, but they're still feet. I don't know if the legend is partially a myth, or whether he was just really trying in this issue, but for now, he drew some feet. The real story however, is the eyes. Rob Liefeld never draws eyes. There are literally two times in this entire comic where he drew pupils. Most of the time the characters don't even have any white in their eyes, and it just looked like X-Force was trying to be nice to the Mutant Liberation Front by fighting with their eyes closed.




Aside from... nothing, the only redeeming thing about this comic is the return of Black Tom and his shillelagh---who you might remember from when I covered the Phoenix Saga back when I started this journal.




But yeah, other than that, there is absolutely nothing that makes me want to read issue #2: don't give a **** about the characters, don't give a **** about the plot, and I don't give a **** about the innumerable pouches on display. How is this the second-highest selling comic in history? Seriously. It sold five million copies. This sub-mediocre pantload sold five. Million. Copies. I know there were trading cards, and alternate covers, and ****ing hologram ****, but how many idiots could there possibly be on Earth? Don't answer that.

Well, on to the next birdcage liner. Toodles, folks.

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