Blackadder's Christmas Carol
To kind of tie in with my Scrooge Showdown, now in progress, but not included as it is a TV special and very different to any of the movies, here's the hilarious interpretation Ben Elton and Richard Curtis put on the classic tale. Sorry but I can't find it on YouTube...
For those of you who don't know, Edmund Blackadder is a character portrayed by British comedian Rowan Atkinson down through the ages, beginning in 14th century England, then moving on to Elizabethan times and then the eighteenth century before ending up in World War One. All through the series Blackadder is shown to be a devious fellow whose plans sometimes, but not always, come off the way he intends them to, but always with hilarious consequences. Through all four series and down through time he has always had a servant called Baldrick, though in "Blackadder goes forth", the final series set in wartorn France, he is an aide-de-camp to Blackadder, who is a captain in the army.
Turning the concept of the story entirely on its head, Ebeneezer Blackadder (what? You thought he'd be called Scrooge?) is known throughout London as the kindest, most generous man in the city, perhaps in the country. To the poor he opens his doors, to the destitute he renders any assistance he can. He sees the good in all men, and because of his trusting, almost naively innocent nature, is a target for every user, scoundrel and conman that crosses his path. He is taken advantage of by family and friends, all of whom see him as a soft touch. His only real friend, Mister Baldrick, loves him for who he is but is equally unable to make his master see the way others use him for their own needs.
Meanwhile, at the palace, Queen Victoria is about to set forth with her husband Albert on their traditional “Christmas adventure”, when they disguise themselves as ordinary folk and seek out people to reward for their kindness to their fellow man. When they reach Blackadder's house they manage to get his turkey, the last thing he has left after having been robbed of all his money (by Mrs Scratchett and an urchin), his presents (by his god-daughter Millicent) his tree (same) and his nuts (by the Beadle). Dejected, and with nothing, he heads to bed, but Baldrick tells him that while he was out a strange ghostly being entered, telling him that they would have a visitation that night. Shaking his head, Blackadder retires.
That night, the Ghost of Christmas enters, but seems to be just passing through, as he says Blackadder is such a good man there is no need for him to try to convert him. He does however accept a drink, and gets to talking with Blackadder, telling him about his ancestors, most of whom were mean, nasty people, as we know. We're then treated to special “flashbacks” to previous Blackadder shows, such as Blackadder II, where we see the Queen abolish Christmas, Blackadder petulantly destroy the painting he had been about to give her, only for her to change her mind about Christmas and leave him facing execution. Being Blackadder though, he manages to trick her into signing a death warrant for Lord Melchet instead, and is thus saved from the axe.
Having seen this, Ebeneezer Blackadder is most impressed at his ancestor's guile and cunning, and when the Spirit shows him another of his forebears, Blackadder III, who lived around the 1790s, he is further enchanted. This particular ancestor tries to trick his master, the Prince Regent, who has about as many braincells as a fish has bicycle clips, into handing over all his Christmas presents to Baldrick, dressed as an old woman with a tale of woe. Unfortunately, he becomes a victim of his own plan when Baldrick lets in an actual poor old woman who happens by, collecting for charity, and it is to her that all the Prince's presents go.
Again, his descendant marvels at the ingenuity of the long-dead relative, and asks to be shown his own future, should he change his ways and become like his forebears. In this possible future he sees himself as the commander of a galactic fleet, marrying the queen of the universe. Then he checks to see what would happen if he remains as he is, and is less than pleased with the results, as he is now subservient to Baldrick! After seeing this he decides to change who he is. The next morning he sets about being as mean and nasty as he can be, getting his own back on those who have taken advantage of him over the years. And because everyone expects him to still be the kind, snivelling old soft touch he was, his plan works brilliantly. Enemy after enemy is despatched, from the grasping Mrs Scratchett and her not-so-crippled son to his own god-daughter, who is sent running with a flea in her ear. Even his oldest friend, Mister Baldrick, is not safe from his new persona, as he reverts to the type of man he has seen his ancestors were.
Unfortunately, the Queen chooses that day, Christmas Day to revisit Ebeneezer to reward his philantrophy, kindness and general niceness, but he is now a miserable skinflint, caustic and horrible to everyone, and failing to recognise Victoria and Albert he insults them and throws them out of the house. And there, in one day, go his hopes of ever being Baron Blackadder, the nicest man in England.
QUOTES
Blackadder (off camera): “Humbug! Humbug!” (Coming in the door with bag of sweets) “Humbug, Mister Baldrick?”
Blackadder (looking at Baldrick's Christmas card: “Christmas has an “h” in it, Mister Balrdick. And an “r”. Also an “i”, an “s”, also a “t”, an “m” and “a”, and another “s”. Oh, and you've missed out the “C” at the beginning. Congratulations, Mister Baldrick: something of a triumph I think: you must be the first person who's ever spelled “Christmas” without getting any of the letters right at all!”
Mrs Scratchett: “No goose for Tiny Tom this year!”
Blackadder: “Mrs Scratchett, Tiny Tom is fifteen stone and built like a brick privy! If he eats any more heartily he will turn into a pie shop!”
Blackadder: “What a jolly fellow!”
Baldrick: “Looked like a fat git to me.”
Blackadder: “Well, yes, but you mustn't judge people from outside appearances, Mr. Baldrick. Strip away the outer layers from a fat git and inside you'll probably find...”
Baldrick: “A thin git.”
Blackadder: “I detect from your accent, sir, that you are not from around here.”
Prince Albert: “Er, nein! I am from ... Glas-gow.”
Baldrick: “Night night. Oh, I forgot to mention: while you were out there there was this enormous ghostly creature came in saying
Beware, for tonight you shall receive a strange and terrible visitation! Just thought I'd mention it. It come through the wall, it said its piece, and then it sodded off.”
Ghost: “Spirit of Christmas, how d'ye do? Just doing my rounds. A wee bit of haunting, making evil old misers change their ways. Course, you're such a good fellow there'll be no need for any of that nonsense! So I'll just say cheery-bye and be on my way.”
Blackadder: “Can I offer you a cup of tea?”
Ghost: “Ye wouldn't have anything a wee bit more ...
medicinal?”
Blackadder: “Only Nurse McCreedy's Surgical Brews Lotion.”
Ghost: “Hey! Nothing but the best in
this house!”
Baldrick: “Have you anything for me?”
Blackadder II: “Oh, it's nothing really...”
Baldrick: “Oh sir!”
Blackadder II: “No, really. It's nothing. I didn't get you anything.”
Blackadder II: “Melchet, greetings! I trust that Christmas brings you its traditional mix of good food and violent stomach cramps.”
Melchet: “Compliments of the season to you, Blackadder. May the yuletide log slip from your fire and burn your house down.”
Blackadder II: “Hah! Got him with my subtle plan!”
Baldrick: “I can't see any subtle plan.”
Blackadder II: “Baldrick, you wouldn't see a subtle plan if it painted itself purple and danced naked upon a harpsichord singing
Subtle plans are here again!”
Queen: “I want presents! Give me something nice and shiny. And if you don't I have something nice and shiny for you. It's called an axe!”
Blackadder III, explaining the rules of Charades: “If it was the Bible I'd do this (holds up two fingers) to indicate it has two syllables...”
Prince Regent: “Two what?”
Blackadder III: “Two syllables.”
Prince: “Two silly bulls? Don't remember any silly bulls in the Bible! I remember a fatted calf, but from what I can recall that was quite a sensible animal.”
Blackadder III: “So, shall I begin the Christmas story then?”
Prince: “Absolutely. As long as it's not that terribly depressing one about the chap who gets born on Christmas Day, shoots his mouth off about everything under the sun and comes a cropper with a couple of rum coves on top of a hill in Johnny Arabland!”
Blackadder III: “You mean Jesus?”
Prince: “Yes, keep him out. He always spoils the Xmas atmos!”
Spirit: “It does point to a very clear lesson.”
Ebeneezer Blackadder: “Namely?”
Spirit: “Uh, namely ... that the rewards of virtue are largely spiritual, but all the better for it.”
Ebeneezer: “Really? You don't think it points to the more obvious lesson that bad guys have more fun?”
Ebeneezer: “Don't be too downhearted, Mr Baldrick, for if you look down in the bottom of the sock, you'll see there's something there from me. And it's something I made myself.”
Baldrick: “Well that's the kind of gift that shows the most love! What is it?”
Ebeneezer: “It's ... (withdrawing his hand from the stocking) “a fist! You use it for hitting!” (Demonstrates) “And the wonderful thing about it is, you can use it again (hits Baldrick) and again!”
Ebeneezer: “Love, I should warn you, is like a Christmas cracker. One massively disappointing bang and the novelty soon wears off!”
Mrs Scratchett: “Ah Mr. Ebeneezer. I was wondering if you had a little present for me? Or found me a little fowl for Tiny Tom's Christmas?”
Ebeneezer: “I've always found you foul, Mrs. Scratchett, and more than a little. As for Tiny Tom, he can stuff it up his enormous muscular backside!”
Mrs Scratchett: “But 'e's a cripple!”
Ebeneezer: “He's not a cripple, Mrs Scratchett. Occasionally saying “Phew my leg hurts!”when he remembers to wouldn't fool Baldrick! If I was you I'd scoop him out and use him as a houseboat. Good day!”
Queen Victoria: “We are Queen Victoria!”
Baldrick: “What? All three of you?”