Ah! Welcome back to my domain --- oh no sorry, this is Trollheart's. I'm not used to being out and about you know. Still, does one good to get out of the office once in a while, stretch the hooves, let the scales breathe. Aah! Taste that fresh air. Dis-gusting! Give me brimstone in my nostrils or nothing! Where's my respirator? That's better. Now, where were we? Oh yeah: we've come to the halfway point, and here's where you can expect the art to get
really gruesome!
Number
5
Ineed, this is where it starts to get a little stomach-turning. Hey, even the name of the band is nasty --- Vulvectomy. But with a title like “Post abortion slutfu
ck”, you know this isn't going to be pretty. And it ain't. There are a lot of body parts strewn around --- ah, reminds me of back home! --- but from what I can see this is a woman who has been torn literally in two --- that's the top half of her in the top right corner, impaled on a spike or something --- being, well, f
ucked by a guy who looks like he has also been torn to shreds --- zombie maybe? Meanwhile, to the left, an aborted fetus that is way too much like a full-grown baby hangs limply from his other hand, the one not impaling the woman's head. Hey, at least they only had to use three colours here: black, white and red. Must have saved on the printing costs!
And number
4
comes from my old pals Slayer. Ah, memories of those days I posed for the covers of their first albums. What? Well who the Hell (pun intended) did you think it was on the cover of “Hell awaits” and “Show no mercy”? Mary Tyler
Fucking Moore? Yeah but this one I really like, and again it's pretty obvious why. Look! He ain't got no arms or legs! What's his name? Come on now, all together --- BOB! Oh sometimes I slay (wink) myself! I really ought to be on the stage!
So now, prepare yourself! These are the top three album covers most likely to piss God off, and you can bet they'll be eeeee-vil! At number
3
may I introduce those charming Cannibal Corpse fellows, with this masterpiece of the macabre...
Oh it just radiates bad taste, doesn't it? Although those skinny chappies don't seem to think so. Anorexic? Nonsense! A good feed will soon beef them up! Look it could be worse: they could be eating at McDonald's. Ugh! Now
there's Hell on Earth! Always gives me heartburn. This is from the Corpseys' second album, the delightfully-titled “Butchered at birth” ---- Oh Trollheart! Is that you getting sick in the corner? I warned you to leave! Yes yes, sorry about that. Just wait outside, would you, till I'm finished? Believe me, it gets worse. BWA HA HA HA! ---- Anyway, as I was saying (why did he stay? He has no stomach for this sort of thing. I don't know, these hyper sensitive ones .... always trouble) the art on the album is bad (read, good) enough to earn a Parental Advisory sticker, but the title was also deemed unfit for impressionable eyes, leading to the sticker being placed over it. I ask you!
There might be some dissension about this one, but I never said, remember, that they'd all be gory bloodfests. I am choosing the album covers that would annoy himself the most, and this one certainly would, at number
2
I think I look rather well on the cover of this Behemoth album, without sounding cocky! Of course, I've been on so many album covers, but this one just grabs me for some reason. I thought about Maiden but you know, I don't like the way that Eddie is making a puppet out of me, even if I'm making a puppet out of a smaller him. The cheek of that Derek Riggs guy! And the fact that I look so cool and evil and in control is I think something that ol' God would really burst a blood vessel shouting at. He'd rather think of me as impotent, small, minor and a nuisance at best, when we all know I'd kick his ass in a real fight. Angels? I'd tear 'em in half and use them to beat him over the --- what? Why didn't I do that in the first place? Why did I take The Fall? Um, well, you see, it was this bad back, plays up at the worst ... actually, it's giving me twinges now. Better just finish this thing up, no time to answer awkward questions. Hey! I'm not on trial here!
And so we come to my number one album cover that would piss God off. And here it is.
1
Oh the very idea! One day, I'll put this into practice, just you wait and ... what? No my back will NOT stop me from ... look, just leave me alone okay? Ahem. This is a 2012 album from the charmingly named Torn The
Fuck Apart and the album is called, wait for it (what do you mean, you can read? Look, no need to be smart! I'm trying to build a sense of awe, of majesty, of horror ... oh have it your own way!) “The Dissection of Christ”! And just LOOK at the bad day he's having. Oh I tell you, God was NOT pleased with this album cover. Not that TTFA cared of course: I'm sure it was designed to insult and outrage as many people as possible, and send the faithful into paroxysms of fury. “Burn this album!” I'm sure they shouted as they crowded the streets, seeking ... no? Nothing? Nobody protested? Not even an irate letter to the label? Man, you people are NOT the same ones who stormed castles and burned witches! What has HAPPENED to you all?
Anyway, that's my list and I hope you enjoyed it. Thanks to Trollheart --- yeah, just keep breathing into that bag, son, you'll be okay --- for having me and I hope to be called upon again when next he invokes the mighty name of Metal Month. Thanks also to Chad, who of course taught me everything I know, praised be his name. Now I must return to --- what? YOU ARE F
UCKING KIDDING ME! Someone is SUMMONING me on my day off? “Oh mighty Satan...”? Oh they're about to find out just how mighty I am, and how little I like to be called when I'm off the clock!
I'll rend them! I'll crucify them! I'll --- OW MY BACKKKKK!!!!
Anyone got any Bengay?
