It's always nice to have a guest reviewer, and to date we've had Briks and Buzz Killington. The Batlord has had some celebrity reviewers, with Hitler of all people turning up in one of his journals. That's pretty impressive, but during Metal Month II there really is only one star guest you could hope to ask to take part, and I've got him. The Big Daddy of them all, the being to whom so many of these bands write songs, the one who makes parents shiver in their beds as they listen to his praises being sung in their teenage son's bedroom.
Ladies and gentlemen, all the way up from the very depths of Hell itself, he's pleased to meet you and hopes you guessed his name! Will you please give a huge, Metal Month II rousing welcome to our star guest reviewer...
Thank you, thank you Trollheart! It's great to be here. Longtime reader, first time contributer. I must say, I'm a little nervous: in fact, you might say I'm afraid of “Satan” the wrong thing! Bu-
pish! Who groaned? Oh yeah? I'll see you later mate! You enjoy that burger and chips, you hear? Your heart is callin' time on ya!
Anyway, as I say I'm delighted to be here, where so many people are truly glorifying my music and making me bigger and stronger every day. You know, it's not just the music --- really, some of you sing in such a way (as Trollheart has observed already) that it's really difficult to make out what you're saying. So I'm glad that in addition to the music there's the more, ah,
graphical side of your ventures. And this is what I intend to cover on this, my first ever guest review here. So without further ado, let me present...
Yes, from the early sixties and before, parents and authority figures have shaken their head, tsked and in some cases tried to ban lurid album covers, depictions they believe are inappropriate and may corrupt their children or give them the wrong idea. But if any genre of music takes this to the nth degree it's Heavy Metal. Yeah! Just check out the first in my top ten countdown, and tell me you're not offended! Okay, okay! Tell me your
parents would not be offended.
What? Really? Oh for the love of.... bloody censors! You just wait till I have you guys down here, I'll cut out your --- yes yes all right! Mutter! I'm apparently contractually obliged to display this sign
in case anyone gets upset. Let me also warn you, in accordance with Trollheart's insurance policy, that if you are of a weak, aged, squeamish or overly religious nature, you may wish to leave the room. Trollheart? You think you're okay to stay? With your weak stomach? No, no, you're right: it's your journal. I just thought ... no, no. Fine. (Don't say I didn't warn you...)
At number
10
Yes, you can always rely on Black Sabbath for a nice, clergy-scaring, dark as
fuck, blasphemous album cover! Well no you can't: many of their album sleeves are just plain boring (O mean, come on! “Paranoid”? Some guy waving a sword at you who's out of focus? Give me a break!) but this one is anything but. Painted by the same guy who would later go on to design Alice Cooper's “Welcome to my nightmare”, the picture is of a man on a bed dying a particularly nasty death, aided by some of my faithful demons. Aren't they cute? Nice touch with the 666 on the headboard. Of course, the back of the album cover shows him dying a “nice” death, but who the hell cares about that? THIS is the cover that sold the album, not some wimpy fairy
shit. This is rock! This is METAL!
At number
9
I really like this one; reminds me of my birth! Nah, not really. I was born an angel you know, until that sanctimonious
fuck kicked me out for one little ... but I digress. Death metal is a subgenre of metal that often comes up with the most ugly, disgusting covers, and with this one they hit a home run, as you Americans tend to say. You know I have a lot of you Down Below, don't you? Yes, they thought God would save them, too. Newsflash: he didn't. God doesn't love Americans any more than any other race, and I tell you, every time he hears “God bless America”, well, you can hear the laughter all the way down in my office. Quite annoying. And you do say it so often, don't you?
But again I wander off my track. This album shows a demon baby --- ah, look at him there! Don't you just want to snuggle him up and tear his little throat out? No? You people are
weird! --- being born while a rather ravishing (well,
I think she is) demoness strains and a bunch of cowled figures stand around, possibly discussing names for the little darling. Or maybe how he's the Antichrist and going to bring about the end of the world, you know how cowled figures are. Anyway it's a cool sleeve and sure to put the frighteners up any square --- do you still say square these days? Anyway, as my good friend The Batlord would say, it's bitchin'!
Number
8
I can't quite put my talon on why I like this one ---- GUFFAW GUFFAW! Oh come
on! Even you Christians have to admit it's a laugh --- what? Not even a titter? Evil Hell! You
are a bunch of tightarsed, stuck-up wankers aren't you? Well I love it. Good on ya, Celtic Frost!
Moving on to number
7
and if you thought that was good, check
this out!
At first glance, looks like a very pretty woman cradling a child, but then you do a double take and you notice --- if you're not blind --- that her insides are exposed and yeah, that's part of them that she has in her arms, wrapped in a blanket and shaped roughly into the form of a human child. Oh, Regurgitate, you really should take a trip down here. You'd just
love it! Or maybe not.
Number
6
shows us what happens when you get the munchies and don't satisfy that craving! Well we all get hungry from time to time, don't we?
So now we're halfway through our countdown, and thanks to this bloody annoying rule about ten images maximum per page, I have to cut this article in two (no pun actually intended: see my next pick!) so stay tuned for my top five, coming right up!