He's been gone an awful long time, and my arms are getting tired, stretched up like this. Feel an itch .. why have I not felt anything there before? Oh. Because it's in my boobs. My new, proudly jutting boobs that are straining against the tight leather of this corset he has me fastened into. Better not mention it when he returns; he's likely to offer to scratch it for me! Just think of something else, Troll. Trollina? Trollette? Man, this place is getting to me: I'm even starting to
think like a woman! Where the hell
is he? Not that I'm looking forward to our next session or anything, but I'd prefer to just get it over with. Like I said before, it's the waiting that's the killer.
Oh come on! How much computer porn can one man ... oh wait. I hear footsteps descending, and the muffled strains of death metal as he gets nearer. Guess his headphones aren't exactly noise cancelling!
“Enjoyed our last little session?” he gloats as he looms forward out of the darkness, a maniacal grin on his pasty face. At sight of him,I inadvertently shrink back --- I am a girl now, after all, and he has me in his power. There's a raw musk in the air. He notices.
“Hah! You obviously did. Well, if you thought that was bad, look at what I have for you today. As Alice Cooper once said, welcome to my nightmare!
Or rather, to yours!”
Chocolate starfish and the hot dog flavoured water --- Limp Bizkit --- 2000
Ah crap! He knows I hate nu metal! Bloody mixing in rap with metal. What the fu
ck is the point? There's no point in trying to change his mind though, so I had better get this over with. He's rigged me up with a wireless link to his laptop, from which he can select the music he wants off the internet and then play it through the headphones he's stuck on my head with --- appropriately enough --- Crazy Glue, so I have no control over this and have to listen to what he pumps through my headphones. Damn it, but this is going to
hurt!
All right then, do your worst, you diabolical fiend! I'm woman enough to --- I mean,
man enough to --- urgh! 15 tracks, and one is nine minutes long! And the opening one has dark vocoder on it. You all know how much I hate vocoder, even if Daft Punk and cloudcover are slowly changing my attitude in that direction. Well in fairness the intro doesn't do much but the first track proper “Hot dog” just uses the words “f
ucked up” so much it's grating and not at all clever. In fact, I'd go so far as to say this is nothing close to metal: I might as well be listening to a rap record. Yuck. Oh look: they robbed W.A.S.P's line
”Fuck like an animal” --- well, no, that was “like a beast”, but it's close enough. I can feel my energy beginning to drain away even at this early stage. Lord help me.
HEALTH: 75%
Well that was terrible. Can it get worse? Um, yeah. Yeah it can. Giving the middle finger to Daltrey and the boys, Limp Bizkit (what kind of a name is that for a band anyway?) title the next song (I use the word in its widest possible meaning) “My generation”, but it's nothing like the Who's classic. This is like a band with the attitude of Slayer with the talent of Slipknot, with apologies to both bands. Ow! I think one of my eyes just exploded. Yep, there it goes, dribbling down my cheek. Wish my ears would do the same, then I wouldn't have to listen to this garbage. Is that a guitar, or someone strangling a chicken? Hard to say. More gratuitous use of the word “
fuck”: how mature.
HEALTH: 40%
At least the next track has a decent guitar intro, sounds heavier but then Durst comes in again with his godawful rap, and the moment he uses that word again --- and there he goes --- there goes my other eye. This is not good. This guy's ego is totally misplaced. Did someone tell him once he had talent, other than for being a prick? Even the drumming here sounds like someone banging dustbins. Just terrible. God. Now he's whining, which is even worse than his singing. Again, I use the word in its widest possible context. This is painful. You know, at one point he shouts/sings
”Just shut your fucking mouth!” My sentiments exactly, you cocksucker.
HEALTH: 21%
Again, a decent guitar intro, some nice bass as we head into “My way” (is he so strapped for inspiration for song titles that he has to rob classics?) and dear God! Melody! It's, to be completely fair, not that bad. Totally derivative lyric again of course ---
”It's my way or the highway” --- I'll take the highway please. But it's not as bad as the crap that I've been forced to listen to up to now. Not what I could fairly call a standout, but the least bad so far.
HEALTH: 54%
Well that didn't last of course. The next track is back to terrible, with a stupid
”Rollin', rollin', rollin' line and of course more gratuitous use of the word “
fuck”. Guess it has to be in every song they write. Has a certain amount of repetitive melody in it, but just annoys the hell out of me.
HEALTH: 32%
Oh dear God! Did Durst just grab ICP lines about rednecks and machetes? This song is so full of cliches it's almost funny. Almost. This is supposed to sample “Life in the fast lane” but I don't hear it, other than the words. Utter crap.
HEALTH: 16%
Okay, okay. As I slide towards death there's a slower song which may save me. What's it called?
Fucked if I know: I lost both my eyes some tracks back, remember? Oh. Batty giggles in my headphones like some demented producer telling me it's called “The one”. Fine. Well it's not too bad and I can feel a little strength coming back into my legs, which were about to fall off I think. Kind of a new-wave/Gary Numan vibe to it. Maybe.
HEALTH: 28%
Oh well, that's it. Sampling classical music and throwing a nasty rap on top of it, plus add somebody called Xzbit into the mix, goodbye cruel world! Hey! My left arm just fell off! How am I going to operate my digital watch now?
HEALTH: 0%
Hello from beyond the grave! Yes, as you probably know, Batty is so sadistic that even death doesn't release me from having to continue to listen to this trash.Now I have to listen to them slaughter the “Mission Impossible” theme --- appropriate, as listening to this album without being tied up and forced to would indeed be that --- the ultimate laziness. Let someone else write the music then spew terrible lyrics across it. Rubbish. The big guitar coming in is good, but the song is basically garbage.
HEALTH: -21%
Damn! Batty has just whispered in my ear to tell me that there are no short tracks left: five, seven, six, six and nine minutes! To quote EAP, “God save my poor soul!” Incidentally, the next one is terrible. A whiny, “leave-me-alone-stop-interfering-in-my-life-teenage-angst-bitch” song. What do you mean, like all the rest? Oh yeah. Like all the rest.
HEALTH: -44%
Meh, this one's not too terrible. Bit of melody to it. Maybe becoming a zombie --- sorry, proto-zombie --- changes your view. Or maybe I'm just getting used to being dead. I don't hate this. Much.
HEALTH: - 20%
Oh god no! He's
talking! In a low voice! Is that meant to be
seductive? If I wasn't already dead I'd throw my guts up. But wait ... it's a slow, acoustic ... good god. Could these actually be a decent track? Vocal harmonies? No rap? No bad language? Seriously? Have I got this album mixed up? Or is it about to slap me upside the ... head, Batlord! I was going to say
head, you perverted .... no not
that sort of head! God! I
am dead, you
do realise that? Why are you grinning...? Um. This track is great so far. I can feel strength coming back into my limbs, my heart is beginning to beat a little....
HEALTH 3%
I live again! Oh. And then we get “Rollin wotsit” again, and I give up the ghost.
HEALTH -15%
Oh well. Dead again. Ah come on! Who writes a nine-minute plus Outro??? Oh holy crap! It's just some inane talk, laughter and Durst being f
ucking Durst! That's it: I'm seriously done now.
HEALTH: -50%
Congratulations Batty! You've turned me into a proto-zombie! I'm sure your mother is very proud of you. Well, at least after this it can only get better. Nothing could be as bad as what I just had to suffer through.
Could it?
