Music Banter - View Single Post - The Playlist of Life --- Trollheart's resurrected Journal

Trollheart · 10-06-2014, 05:27 AM

Uh, where the hell am I? What's with the dripping water, and why is it so COLD? And dark. Ugh. This is not a nice place! Man, my head hurts. And why do my arms feel like they're chained to posts above my head --- oh. Because they're chained to posts above my head. Wait a minute: it's starting to come back to me. A PM. A threat. A ransom. Something about my prized Marillion collection and a chainsaw.... oh crap. He did it, didn't he? And here I am, chained up and at his mercy --- what the hell am I wearing? Feels really tight and stretchy, apart from my legs which feel ... bare? Is that a skirt I'm wearing? If so, it's really tight. And short. And I feel like I'm standing on ... high heels? Holy mother of God! What's this in front of me? Why does my chest feel so ... prominent? And my hair was never this long!

I don't believe this. After years of calling me a girl, he's used his dark powers and actually turned me into one! Well, at least it feels like I'm a curvy, sexy one. That's something. Full pouting red lips, long soft golden hair, long legs and a tight arse. Well it feels tight. And smooth. Smoother than mine ever was. Soft hands too, and you know, there's a lot to be said for a really well stacked rack...

My mind has begun to wander in a certain direction when suddenly a dark, cackling voice cuts through the foetid air, and with the barely restrained glee of the madman crows
“GOOD MORNING MISS TROLLHEART! GOOD TO SEE YOU'RE FINALLY AWAKE!”

I start to demand what he has done to me, then realise that I'm gagged and can say nothing. Oh how very cliched bondage of you, Batlord!

“YES!” says he, as if reading my mind. “TIS I, THE BATLORD, AND YOU ARE IN MY POWER. THROUGH THE MAGIC OF DARK METAL I HAVE WOVEN A SPELL WHICH HAS CHANGED YOUR PHYSICAL FEATURES INTO THAT OF A HOT CHICK, THOUGH YOUR MIND REMAINS THE SAME, FILLED WITH IMAGES OF TWENTY-FOUR MINUTE KEYBOARD SOLOS, INTROSPECTIVE GUITARS AND LYRICS ABOUT DRAGONS AND WIZARDS. YOU KNOW, PROGRESSIVE ROCK?”

I can hear the spit as he snarls the phrase, then cackles again.

“I'VE ALWAYS CALLED YOU A GIRL”, he goes on, “AND NOW YOU ARE ONE. MUST BE LIKE A DREAM COME TRUE FOR YOU. I KNOW WHAT YOU GET UP TO IN YOUR SPARE TIME.”

I try to shake my head but it's no use, he has that in some sort of a vise and I can't move it. Nor can I speak, so my silence is taken for assent. Damn him. You know? His nasty voice comes through the darkness again, cutting into my soul, freezing my heart.

“HEY, AT LEAST I WAS MAGNANIMOUS ENOUGH TO MAKE YOU LOOK SMOKIN' HOT!”
he offers, and I hear his lascivious grin somewhere off in the darkness, but close. I shudder. I get the uncomfortable feeling that he's undressing me with his eyes. Little perv. Can't a girl possess fine cans and a great ass without people looking at her as if she's a piece of --- damn! Focus, Troll! Focus! His spell is getting in on you, making you think you ARE a girl, making you think like one. You are NOT a girl. You are a man. You are Trollheart. I repeat it like a mantra, then am rather surprised to hear an almost identical chant coming in a low mutter:

“IT'S NOT A GIRL, IT'S TROLLHEART. IT'S NOT A GIRL, IT'S TROLLHEART. FOCUS, BATLORD! DAMN, BUT SHE'S SO FINE! I'D LIKE TO ---- ARRRGH! NOTAGIRLTROLLHEART. NOTAGIRLTROLLHEART. NOTAGIRLTROLLHEART.”

He says it faster now, as if it's a spell that will protect him, and I allow myself an inward smile. Hoist on his own petard. But I'm the one who's been hoist, and I'm completely defenceless, especially in this girly body. He seems to recover his composure. His voice, when it speaks again, is now devoid of the slight shake and the half-stammer that denotes the nervousness or embarrassment suffered by a man when in the presence of a beautiful woman. (Not a girl. Trollheart. Not a girl. Trollheart.)

“LET'S GET ON WITH THIS”
he snaps testily, as if growing bored, or trying to sound like he is.
“I'VE GOT KYLIE MINOGUE --- I MEAN, BRUTAL DEATH METAL --- ALBUMS TO LISTEN TO. CAN'T SPEND ALL MY TIME DOWN HERE. NOW, AS WE AGREED, AND IN RETURN FOR THE SAFETY OF YOUR STUPID MARILLION COLLECTION, YOU ARE NOW A GIRL. AND LIKE ALL GOOD PSYCHOS WITH A HELPLESS GIRL AT THEIR MERCY, I'M GONNA TORTURE YOU. WITH MUSIC. HEADPHONES HAVE BEEN GLUED TO YOUR EARS SO YOU HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO LISTEN. THIS IS THE FIRST ALBUM YOU'RE GONNA LISTEN TO, AND I WANT A PROPER REPORT OR YOU'LL STAY LIKE THAT FOREVER. AND YOU WOULDN'T WANT THAT, WOULD YOU? I SAID, WOULD YOU? (Pause) “OH YEAH, I FORGOT. YOU CAN'T RESPOND. WELL, I'LL JUST ASSUME THAT YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO REMAIN AS A GIRL FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. WHO WOULD? I MEAN, THAT CREAMY, SILKY SOFT SKIN, THOSE RUBY-RED LIPS, THE SOFT, SULTRY EYES, THOSE AMAZING CANS, THAT FIRM ASS --- UM. WHERE WAS I? OH YEAH: WHO'D WANT TO STAY LIKE THAT FOREVER,EH?”

“SO LET ME JUST PLUG IN MY SPECIAL AMP THAT GOES UP TO ELEVEN --- GOT A LOAN OF THAT FROM YER MAN FROM SPINAL TAP --- AND GET YOU STARTED. WELCOME TO”

In addition to making me listen to this crap, Batty has also ensured that I do my usual research, so thanks to him I’ve had to read about this guy digging up worms and eating them live on stage! Yum! I don’t think! Well, if this is an attempt to shock or scare, or even repulse me, we’ll find out whether or not it worked in .. I guess thirty-odd minutes, as that’s how long this album runs for.

None so vile --- Cryptopsy --- 1996 (Wrong Again)

The second album from the band and the last to feature lead vocalist Lord Worm (yes I’m getting this from Wiki: where do you think I get 90% of my information on bands I don’t know?) for a few years, the few reviews I’ve glanced through for “None so vile” leave me in no doubt that not only am I going to hate this album --- and by extension, the band --- but I probably won’t even be able to understand it.

Look, let’s just get this over with and then I can move on to the next album, ok? We've agreed on four albums total, but I’m looking forward to this about as much as getting a double root canal while Boyzone plays in the background, but I guess I'm in no position to argue. Or do anything really, other than struggle --- uselessly, of course --- against my bonds as this terrible --- well, what shall we call it? Music? Sound? Noise? Noise seems generous, but let's go with that --- pours into my poor, undeserving ears.

Scary noises and whispers presage the opening track, “Crown of horns”. Now when yer man Worm comes in with the vocal (and I’m being very generous in describing it as such) I thought for a moment it was a dog barking, then maybe an ape, but no, it’s a man. The drumming is blitzkrieg and the guitars race along faster than a lot --- but not everything --- I’ve heard to date. These vocals are ridiculous though: how can anyone make out even a word this guy is growling? Somebody in another review --- a glowing one --- mentioned that these songs are all memorable. Well, I certainly won’t remember this, unless it comes back to haunt me in my nightmares!

Nah, still jsut sounds like a dog barking at intruders. So that's track one, and I can feel my teeth beginning to shake and fall out of my mouth (not so pretty now, huh?) and blood run down out of my nose, pooling on the massive heaving mounds of my .... focus, Troll! Focus! Did I hear an echo of that incantation in the distance?

A quick glance at the Healthometer to see how I'm doing:

CURRENT HEALTH: 90%

Now we’re into the second track, not much different really to my ears, though the guitar is a little more to the fore in the charmingly titled “Slit your guts.” Sigh. This stuff makes Slayer sound like Journey! I can’t comment on anything because it’s all just one big wall of noise and speed. Let me see if I can cut through it to say something positive. Guitarist Jon Levasseur is certainly a master of his craft, but I haven’t yet heard any solos which I think would help me perhaps appreciate this more. If at all.

At this point I’m going to refrain from making any more comments about Lord Worm’s (ahem) vocals, because there’s nothing complimentary I can say about them. Instead, I’m going to ignore them and see if I can concentrate on the music. One thing you can say about it is that it’s fast, blindingly so, and hammer heavy, but at least it does appear to be in tune. It’s hard to distinguish one track from another. But we're through with track two and how's my health?

CURRENT HEALTH: 84%

“Graves of the fathers” could be “Slit your guts”, or any other song on this album I would think. Drummer Flo Mounier winds up into some sort of solo, which is mildly interesting, and the guitar hammers on as we’re into “Dead and dripping”.

CURRENT HEALTH: 80%

Not sure if I'm getting used to this, or my nervous system is just shutting down, but my health still appears to be holding up. I can feel a warm trickle running down my legs which I can only hope is blood, and my skull feels like someone has it in a vise: oh wait, someone does. Yeah but it's pounding like fuck. Beginning to wonder how much more of this I can take!

But on we go, and there’s little I can say except that suddenly there’s a slowdown in “Dead and dripping” as the band go into almost Doom Metal mode, but it doesn’t last and we’re back hurtling along with “Benedictine convulsions”.

CURRENT HEALTH: 71%.

That was a big drop. I think my bowels are beginning to --- yeah, they're emptying. Oh great. Yeah. This all sounds the same to me. Did someone just ring a bell? Weird. Now it’s slowed very slightly, but picking up speed again. No surprise there then. Well, only three tracks to go. It’s gonna seem like a long twelve minutes! Twelve minutes of intense agony. What’s next? What suitably horrible title have they got for the next slab of --- oh right: “Phobophile”. I guess that means someone who can’t stand the light. WHAT THE FUCK!!! A piano passage? A fucking gentle piano passage? Have I crossed into another album by mistake? Soft acoustic guitar? Oh right: there’s the wormish one and the guitars juut kicked seven bells out of me again. I see what they did, very clever. Make me lower my defences then move in for the kill. Not cool, guys! Bet Batty had a good laugh envisaging that happening!

Honestly, I’ve heard more melody listening to belching, or a pack of wild dogs, or a car crash. This is terrible. Although there’s a solo now near the end of “Phobophile”, but it doesn’t last long,

CURRENT HEALTH: 89%

Hah! Although meant to trick me, that gentle piano bit gave me back a lot of my health, and I can feel my buttocks unclenching and my skin beginning to heal slightly as my strength returns. Woo-hoo! I am Woman, hear me --- (Not a girl. Trollheart. Not a girl. Trollheart)

And we’re back to the general noise. Two more to get through and the penultimate track is “Lichmistress”, not that it matters: everything sounds the same to me. I can imagine when these guys were practicing in their parents’ garage as youngsters and the father or mother yelled “What is that? It’s just noise!” Should have listened to them. Well that’s my opinion anyway.

CURRENT HEALTH: 82%

Delighted to see the closer is nearly five minutes long, but at this point it’s all just passing by in a blur of sound and fury, so who really cares? Even the title, “Orgiasatic disembowlement”, sounds preferable than listening to this. It has a slightly more marching rhythm for a short time, then descends into the same sort of thing I’ve been enduring for the last half hour. Lord preserve us. I can say no more. I think my water just broke. Oh no wait, I'm not pregnant. Nor a girl. But then what ---? Oh. Right. Part of my intestine just fell out. Nice.

CURRENT HEALTH: 60%

TRACKLISTING

1. Crown of horns
2. SLit your guts
3. Graves of the fathers
4. Dead and dripping
5. Benedectine convulsions
6. Phobophile
7. Lichmistress
8. Orgiastic disembowelment

Well, despite my misivings and fears I'm still alive, mostly, to The Batlord's eternal annoyance no doubt, though I will need some surgery. And a lot of cleaning up. I'm certainly tired: standing on high heels with your arms stretched high above your head certainly exhausts a girl (Not a girl. Trollheart) and my mouth is dry after I spit out the blood that has accumulated there. My vision is blurry but at least I still have my eyes. Looking down, I'm surprised to find that far from being damaged, my boobs have grown even larger. Batlord and his fascination for porno!

So I've surprised myself --- and my torturer perhaps --- by making it through this – ahem – album with all or most of my body intact. And what a body! (Not a girl. Trollheart. Not a girl. Trollheart) Mind you, I then remember that at the end of the album there’s a sample from “Army of darkness” which sneers “Go ahead and run! Run home and cry to momma!” Hey! My mam’s dead, you insensitive jerks! I can't help it. Right now I'm a girl, and that just makes the tears roll down. In the darkness I hear an evil chuckle: Batty has managed at least to make me cry, and so must surely chalk that up as a small victory. Prick.

“SO” his voice floats out of the cold darkness of the cell, “YOU SURVIVED CRYPTOPSY. WELL DONE. BUT THAT WAS A MERE HORS DOO – WHORES DU --- HURS DOOV --- STARTER, MY PRETTY. (GAHH! NOT A GIRL! TROLLHEART! GET IT TOGETHER, BATTY!) AHEM. THE NEXT ONE WILL TEST YOUR RESOLVE TO ITS LIMITS. TO MAKE SURE YOU GET THE FULL EFFECT --- HOTTUS REANIMATORUS METTALUM! --- I'VE REPAIRED YOUR BODY --- AND WHAT A BODY --- STOP IT, BATTY! NOT A GIRL. TROLLHEART! ---- SO THAT YOU'LL BE IN TIT --- SORRY, TIP TOP CONDITION TO FACE YOUR NEXT ORDEAL. I'M OFF TO THE LIBRARY TO DOWNLOAD IT. BACK SOON, WITH A REAL NIGHTMARE FOR YOU!”

I hear his footsteps fade away, and up. Up. I must be in a dungeon. Yeah. Great bit of deduction there, girl! A torture chamber in a dungeon. Who would have imagined it? He'll be gone for a few hours; he says he's downloading an album but we all know he's gone to watch internet porn, so I have some time. If I can just manage to work this strap loose ... what the hell's that?

GAS!

Oh crap. Should have known he would have a plan to keep me from ... feeling drowsy .... keep me from ... yawn ... from trying to ... can't keep eyes .... open ....

10-06-2014, 05:27 AM	#2293 (permalink)
Trollheart Born to be mild Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: 404 Not Found Posts: 26,996	Uh, where the hell am I? What's with the dripping water, and why is it so COLD? And dark. Ugh. This is not a nice place! Man, my head hurts. And why do my arms feel like they're chained to posts above my head --- oh. Because they're chained to posts above my head. Wait a minute: it's starting to come back to me. A PM. A threat. A ransom. Something about my prized Marillion collection and a chainsaw.... oh crap. He did it, didn't he? And here I am, chained up and at his mercy --- what the hell am I wearing? Feels really tight and stretchy, apart from my legs which feel ... bare? Is that a skirt I'm wearing? If so, it's really tight. And short. And I feel like I'm standing on ... high heels? Holy mother of God! What's this in front of me? Why does my chest feel so ... prominent? And my hair was never this long! I don't believe this. After years of calling me a girl, he's used his dark powers and actually turned me into one! Well, at least it feels like I'm a curvy, sexy one. That's something. Full pouting red lips, long soft golden hair, long legs and a tight arse. Well it feels tight. And smooth. Smoother than mine ever was. Soft hands too, and you know, there's a lot to be said for a really well stacked rack... My mind has begun to wander in a certain direction when suddenly a dark, cackling voice cuts through the foetid air, and with the barely restrained glee of the madman crows “GOOD MORNING MISS TROLLHEART! GOOD TO SEE YOU'RE FINALLY AWAKE!” I start to demand what he has done to me, then realise that I'm gagged and can say nothing. Oh how very cliched bondage of you, Batlord! “YES!” says he, as if reading my mind. “TIS I, THE BATLORD, AND YOU ARE IN MY POWER. THROUGH THE MAGIC OF DARK METAL I HAVE WOVEN A SPELL WHICH HAS CHANGED YOUR PHYSICAL FEATURES INTO THAT OF A HOT CHICK, THOUGH YOUR MIND REMAINS THE SAME, FILLED WITH IMAGES OF TWENTY-FOUR MINUTE KEYBOARD SOLOS, INTROSPECTIVE GUITARS AND LYRICS ABOUT DRAGONS AND WIZARDS. YOU KNOW, PROGRESSIVE ROCK?” I can hear the spit as he snarls the phrase, then cackles again. “I'VE ALWAYS CALLED YOU A GIRL”, he goes on, “AND NOW YOU ARE ONE. MUST BE LIKE A DREAM COME TRUE FOR YOU. I KNOW WHAT YOU GET UP TO IN YOUR SPARE TIME.” I try to shake my head but it's no use, he has that in some sort of a vise and I can't move it. Nor can I speak, so my silence is taken for assent. Damn him. You know? His nasty voice comes through the darkness again, cutting into my soul, freezing my heart. “HEY, AT LEAST I WAS MAGNANIMOUS ENOUGH TO MAKE YOU LOOK SMOKIN' HOT!” he offers, and I hear his lascivious grin somewhere off in the darkness, but close. I shudder. I get the uncomfortable feeling that he's undressing me with his eyes. Little perv. Can't a girl possess fine cans and a great ass without people looking at her as if she's a piece of --- damn! Focus, Troll! Focus! His spell is getting in on you, making you think you ARE a girl, making you think like one. You are NOT a girl. You are a man. You are Trollheart. I repeat it like a mantra, then am rather surprised to hear an almost identical chant coming in a low mutter: “IT'S NOT A GIRL, IT'S TROLLHEART. IT'S NOT A GIRL, IT'S TROLLHEART. FOCUS, BATLORD! DAMN, BUT SHE'S SO FINE! I'D LIKE TO ---- ARRRGH! NOTAGIRLTROLLHEART. NOTAGIRLTROLLHEART. NOTAGIRLTROLLHEART.” He says it faster now, as if it's a spell that will protect him, and I allow myself an inward smile. Hoist on his own petard. But I'm the one who's been hoist, and I'm completely defenceless, especially in this girly body. He seems to recover his composure. His voice, when it speaks again, is now devoid of the slight shake and the half-stammer that denotes the nervousness or embarrassment suffered by a man when in the presence of a beautiful woman. (Not a girl. Trollheart. Not a girl. Trollheart.) “LET'S GET ON WITH THIS” he snaps testily, as if growing bored, or trying to sound like he is. “I'VE GOT KYLIE MINOGUE --- I MEAN, BRUTAL DEATH METAL --- ALBUMS TO LISTEN TO. CAN'T SPEND ALL MY TIME DOWN HERE. NOW, AS WE AGREED, AND IN RETURN FOR THE SAFETY OF YOUR STUPID MARILLION COLLECTION, YOU ARE NOW A GIRL. AND LIKE ALL GOOD PSYCHOS WITH A HELPLESS GIRL AT THEIR MERCY, I'M GONNA TORTURE YOU. WITH MUSIC. HEADPHONES HAVE BEEN GLUED TO YOUR EARS SO YOU HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO LISTEN. THIS IS THE FIRST ALBUM YOU'RE GONNA LISTEN TO, AND I WANT A PROPER REPORT OR YOU'LL STAY LIKE THAT FOREVER. AND YOU WOULDN'T WANT THAT, WOULD YOU? I SAID, WOULD YOU? (Pause) “OH YEAH, I FORGOT. YOU CAN'T RESPOND. WELL, I'LL JUST ASSUME THAT YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO REMAIN AS A GIRL FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. WHO WOULD? I MEAN, THAT CREAMY, SILKY SOFT SKIN, THOSE RUBY-RED LIPS, THE SOFT, SULTRY EYES, THOSE AMAZING CANS, THAT FIRM ASS --- UM. WHERE WAS I? OH YEAH: WHO'D WANT TO STAY LIKE THAT FOREVER,EH?” “SO LET ME JUST PLUG IN MY SPECIAL AMP THAT GOES UP TO ELEVEN --- GOT A LOAN OF THAT FROM YER MAN FROM SPINAL TAP --- AND GET YOU STARTED. WELCOME TO” In addition to making me listen to this crap, Batty has also ensured that I do my usual research, so thanks to him I’ve had to read about this guy digging up worms and eating them live on stage! Yum! I don’t think! Well, if this is an attempt to shock or scare, or even repulse me, we’ll find out whether or not it worked in .. I guess thirty-odd minutes, as that’s how long this album runs for. None so vile --- Cryptopsy --- 1996 (Wrong Again) The second album from the band and the last to feature lead vocalist Lord Worm (yes I’m getting this from Wiki: where do you think I get 90% of my information on bands I don’t know?) for a few years, the few reviews I’ve glanced through for “None so vile” leave me in no doubt that not only am I going to hate this album --- and by extension, the band --- but I probably won’t even be able to understand it. Look, let’s just get this over with and then I can move on to the next album, ok? We've agreed on four albums total, but I’m looking forward to this about as much as getting a double root canal while Boyzone plays in the background, but I guess I'm in no position to argue. Or do anything really, other than struggle --- uselessly, of course --- against my bonds as this terrible --- well, what shall we call it? Music? Sound? Noise? Noise seems generous, but let's go with that --- pours into my poor, undeserving ears. Scary noises and whispers presage the opening track, “Crown of horns”. Now when yer man Worm comes in with the vocal (and I’m being very generous in describing it as such) I thought for a moment it was a dog barking, then maybe an ape, but no, it’s a man. The drumming is blitzkrieg and the guitars race along faster than a lot --- but not everything --- I’ve heard to date. These vocals are ridiculous though: how can anyone make out even a word this guy is growling? Somebody in another review --- a glowing one --- mentioned that these songs are all memorable. Well, I certainly won’t remember this, unless it comes back to haunt me in my nightmares! Nah, still jsut sounds like a dog barking at intruders. So that's track one, and I can feel my teeth beginning to shake and fall out of my mouth (not so pretty now, huh?) and blood run down out of my nose, pooling on the massive heaving mounds of my .... focus, Troll! Focus! Did I hear an echo of that incantation in the distance? A quick glance at the Healthometer to see how I'm doing: CURRENT HEALTH: 90% Now we’re into the second track, not much different really to my ears, though the guitar is a little more to the fore in the charmingly titled “Slit your guts.” Sigh. This stuff makes Slayer sound like Journey! I can’t comment on anything because it’s all just one big wall of noise and speed. Let me see if I can cut through it to say something positive. Guitarist Jon Levasseur is certainly a master of his craft, but I haven’t yet heard any solos which I think would help me perhaps appreciate this more. If at all. At this point I’m going to refrain from making any more comments about Lord Worm’s (ahem) vocals, because there’s nothing complimentary I can say about them. Instead, I’m going to ignore them and see if I can concentrate on the music. One thing you can say about it is that it’s fast, blindingly so, and hammer heavy, but at least it does appear to be in tune. It’s hard to distinguish one track from another. But we're through with track two and how's my health? CURRENT HEALTH: 84% “Graves of the fathers” could be “Slit your guts”, or any other song on this album I would think. Drummer Flo Mounier winds up into some sort of solo, which is mildly interesting, and the guitar hammers on as we’re into “Dead and dripping”. CURRENT HEALTH: 80% Not sure if I'm getting used to this, or my nervous system is just shutting down, but my health still appears to be holding up. I can feel a warm trickle running down my legs which I can only hope is blood, and my skull feels like someone has it in a vise: oh wait, someone does. Yeah but it's pounding like fuck. Beginning to wonder how much more of this I can take! But on we go, and there’s little I can say except that suddenly there’s a slowdown in “Dead and dripping” as the band go into almost Doom Metal mode, but it doesn’t last and we’re back hurtling along with “Benedictine convulsions”. CURRENT HEALTH: 71%. That was a big drop. I think my bowels are beginning to --- yeah, they're emptying. Oh great. Yeah. This all sounds the same to me. Did someone just ring a bell? Weird. Now it’s slowed very slightly, but picking up speed again. No surprise there then. Well, only three tracks to go. It’s gonna seem like a long twelve minutes! Twelve minutes of intense agony. What’s next? What suitably horrible title have they got for the next slab of --- oh right: “Phobophile”. I guess that means someone who can’t stand the light. WHAT THE FUCK!!! A piano passage? A fucking gentle piano passage? Have I crossed into another album by mistake? Soft acoustic guitar? Oh right: there’s the wormish one and the guitars juut kicked seven bells out of me again. I see what they did, very clever. Make me lower my defences then move in for the kill. Not cool, guys! Bet Batty had a good laugh envisaging that happening! Honestly, I’ve heard more melody listening to belching, or a pack of wild dogs, or a car crash. This is terrible. Although there’s a solo now near the end of “Phobophile”, but it doesn’t last long, CURRENT HEALTH: 89% Hah! Although meant to trick me, that gentle piano bit gave me back a lot of my health, and I can feel my buttocks unclenching and my skin beginning to heal slightly as my strength returns. Woo-hoo! I am Woman, hear me --- (Not a girl. Trollheart. Not a girl. Trollheart) And we’re back to the general noise. Two more to get through and the penultimate track is “Lichmistress”, not that it matters: everything sounds the same to me. I can imagine when these guys were practicing in their parents’ garage as youngsters and the father or mother yelled “What is that? It’s just noise!” Should have listened to them. Well that’s my opinion anyway. CURRENT HEALTH: 82% Delighted to see the closer is nearly five minutes long, but at this point it’s all just passing by in a blur of sound and fury, so who really cares? Even the title, “Orgiasatic disembowlement”, sounds preferable than listening to this. It has a slightly more marching rhythm for a short time, then descends into the same sort of thing I’ve been enduring for the last half hour. Lord preserve us. I can say no more. I think my water just broke. Oh no wait, I'm not pregnant. Nor a girl. But then what ---? Oh. Right. Part of my intestine just fell out. Nice. CURRENT HEALTH: 60% TRACKLISTING 1. Crown of horns 2. SLit your guts 3. Graves of the fathers 4. Dead and dripping 5. Benedectine convulsions 6. Phobophile 7. Lichmistress 8. Orgiastic disembowelment Well, despite my misivings and fears I'm still alive, mostly, to The Batlord's eternal annoyance no doubt, though I will need some surgery. And a lot of cleaning up. I'm certainly tired: standing on high heels with your arms stretched high above your head certainly exhausts a girl (Not a girl. Trollheart) and my mouth is dry after I spit out the blood that has accumulated there. My vision is blurry but at least I still have my eyes. Looking down, I'm surprised to find that far from being damaged, my boobs have grown even larger. Batlord and his fascination for porno! So I've surprised myself --- and my torturer perhaps --- by making it through this – ahem – album with all or most of my body intact. And what a body! (Not a girl. Trollheart. Not a girl. Trollheart) Mind you, I then remember that at the end of the album there’s a sample from “Army of darkness” which sneers “Go ahead and run! Run home and cry to momma!” Hey! My mam’s dead, you insensitive jerks! I can't help it. Right now I'm a girl, and that just makes the tears roll down. In the darkness I hear an evil chuckle: Batty has managed at least to make me cry, and so must surely chalk that up as a small victory. Prick. “SO” his voice floats out of the cold darkness of the cell, “YOU SURVIVED CRYPTOPSY. WELL DONE. BUT THAT WAS A MERE HORS DOO – WHORES DU --- HURS DOOV --- STARTER, MY PRETTY. (GAHH! NOT A GIRL! TROLLHEART! GET IT TOGETHER, BATTY!) AHEM. THE NEXT ONE WILL TEST YOUR RESOLVE TO ITS LIMITS. TO MAKE SURE YOU GET THE FULL EFFECT --- HOTTUS REANIMATORUS METTALUM! --- I'VE REPAIRED YOUR BODY --- AND WHAT A BODY --- STOP IT, BATTY! NOT A GIRL. TROLLHEART! ---- SO THAT YOU'LL BE IN TIT --- SORRY, TIP TOP CONDITION TO FACE YOUR NEXT ORDEAL. I'M OFF TO THE LIBRARY TO DOWNLOAD IT. BACK SOON, WITH A REAL NIGHTMARE FOR YOU!” I hear his footsteps fade away, and up. Up. I must be in a dungeon. Yeah. Great bit of deduction there, girl! A torture chamber in a dungeon. Who would have imagined it? He'll be gone for a few hours; he says he's downloading an album but we all know he's gone to watch internet porn, so I have some time. If I can just manage to work this strap loose ... what the hell's that? GAS! Oh crap. Should have known he would have a plan to keep me from ... feeling drowsy .... keep me from ... yawn ... from trying to ... can't keep eyes .... open .... __________________ Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018 Last edited by Trollheart; 10-06-2014 at 08:01 AM.