2.2 “Live from Westminster”
Parliament is being broadcast live on television – – – possibly for the first time – – – and though this upsets and outrages established MPs like, for instance, Sir Stephen, there is one among them to whom all this media circus and free publicity is like manna from Heaven. Using the broadcast to further enhance his own political profile, B'stard becomes an overnight sensation: a star in the making. His newfound fame culminates in his being offered a spot on the popular television game show "What's the question?" with Nicholas Parsons.
After a less than successful stint, Alan is aghast to find out that Sarah is selling her story to the papers: spilling all the dirt on him, his vices and sexual predilections, and doing her best to ruin his status as a celebrity, and indeed his career. Alan begins to worry, as all his dark secrets, the questionable ventures he's been involved in, the quite unprincipled and often downright evil things he's done down the years threaten to come back to haunt him. Not only that, they are going to be known to everyone, as Sarah opens Pandora's box and lets all the nasty malicious sins of her husband out into the light.
In desperation, Alan goes to see Thatcher, hoping to make her order Sarah not to publish her memoirs. Of course, he knows Maggie won't do this just for him, so he pretends that Sarah has vital political secrets – – – that she's been sleeping with most of the Cabinet – – – but Maggie is not fooled. She tells Alan that she in fact was the one who ordered Sarah to publish her story, as punishment for his using the House of Commons as a sales platform, and, more importantly, upstaging her.
Left finally with no other option, Alan turns to Piers. He convinces him that the newspapers coming out tomorrow morning – – – the ones with Sarah's story in them about him – – – are in fact a damning account of Piers himself, who is being blamed for, well, everything really. He frightens his friend into agreeing to blow up the printing works, so that no papers can be printed. Never a man to go small, our Alan!
QUOTES
Alan (looking at Piers is in his military fatigues): "You staging a military coup, Piers? I don't mind: just give me five minutes to phone my stockbroker."
Alan (standing up and raising his arms): "I have a dream!" (Cameras zoom in on him) "More later…"
Piers: "What is it, Alan? What is your dream?"
Alan: "I don't have one: I was lying to attract attention. I'm a politician!"
Alan: "I have my own heartfelt views on this issue. What is it?"
Make-up girl: "Fabulous suit!"
Alan: "It looks even better on the back of a bedroom chair."
Make-up girl: "Mmm! Your bed or mine?"
Alan: "Well, if you're going to play hard to get, forget it."
Alan: "We don't need to conscript our young hooligans into the army – – – there's enough drunkenness, vandalism and mindless violence in the army already!"
Alan (on phone): "You want me to appear on
What's the question? How much? Really? Well, that's the taxi fare negotiated: now let's talk about my fee. Well, what does Nicholas Parsons get? Does he really? My wife has to pay me that much to sleep with me – – – and then, of course, the sex comes extra!"
Nicholas Parsons: "And Harry describes himself as long-term unemployed."
Alan: "In other words, lazy ignorant northerner."
Parsons (as the phone is dialled): "I do hope they're not at work."
Alan (laughing nastily): "You're joking, aren't you? Workshy slob is probably still in bed, sleeping off last night's fourteen pints of Newcastle Brown."
Floor worker: "Here Al – – – you just did that Sonia in the back of the Lada, didn't you? What was it like?"
Alan: "Well it's pretty roomy, but the rear suspension is rubbish!"
Sarah: "And I'm on Wogan on Monday."
Alan: "Oh big deal! Anybody can get on Wogan these days!"
Sarah: "Who's talking about the television programme?"
Cup: "Excuse me, sir: where you think you're going? This is number 10 Downing Street."
Alan: "Is it really? Well fancy me not knowing that! I must be nearly stupid enough to be a policeman!"
Cop: "I know that acerbic wit – – – you're Alan Bastard, aren't you? I love that
What's the question?"
Alan: "Yes, it's terribly popular with the educationally sub-normal."
Alan: "I was just trying to stay true to the spirit of Thatcherism."
Thatcher: "All
you care about is number one."
Alan: "I thought that
was the spirit of Thatcherism?"
Thatcher: "Of course it is, of course it is. But we can't let the common herd know that. They have to believe that the Conservative party stands for God and a strong pound, not greed and an untraceable Deutschmark account in the Cayman Islands."
Alan: "Piers, I thought you were a brave, resourceful, territorial Army explosive expert?"
Piers: "Only at the weekends."
Alan: "Piers, the weekend starts here."
The user and the used
Once again, it's Piers who has to bail Alan out of his predicament. Although he doesn't use him until the very end of the show, when he has exhausted all his other options, it is to the man who mistakenly believes Alan B'Stard is his friend that the Tory MP turns. Of course, he can't tell Piers what it's really about
: his friend is very naive and almost innocent in ways, and would wonder why Sarah would be telling all these lies about Alan. So B'Stard has to pretend that the papers will be carrying an expose about Thatcher's private life, and that everybody in the House of Commons thinks that Piers is to blame. He qualifies this by telling Piers "You know how nobody likes you, and you've got no friends? Well, they're all saying it was you who wrote the article." Piers, who believes just about everything Alan says, probably in all likelihood has not too many friends in Parliament and accepts this as a valid reason for why he should be blamed.
Even then, Piers's original idea to stop the catastrophe is to – – – wait for it – – – buy up every single copy of the paper on the morning of its release. Alan points out – – – rather pragmatically – – – that he will not have enough money to buy two million copies of the paper. Piers tells him that he will have, once he wins the Pools. It's here that we see that not only is Piers naive to the point of childlike innocence, he may in fact be quite stupid; a trait which Alan will exploit over and over again, to help him achieve his ends.
What is love?
SARAH
There is no secret about the fact that Sarah only stays with Alan because she wants to spend his money – – – we have seen this proven already. But here, she is offered £100,000 for her memoirs, the publication of which will destroy her husband. Thatcher later tells B'Stard that it was she who instructed his wife to publish the story, though we can imagine Sarah probably would have done it anyway. However, to have the approval of the leader of the party – – – to say nothing of the prime minister of the country – – – behind her, Sarah must surely think this is the way to destroy Alan. She can finally be rid of her philandering, egotistical husband, whom she does not love and who does not love her, and she will walk away with a big pay cheque into the bargain. A perfect result.
PCRs
Naturally, most of the PCRs in this series are politically slanted. There's an obvious reference however to Nicholas Parsons' long-running popular gameshow "Sale of the Century" when we see Alan appearing on
What's the question?
When Alan knocks at the door of number 10, Thatcher's voice floats out, asking Cecil to come in by the back way. This refers to Cecil Parkinson, who was involved with the Prime Minister at one point.
The car (presumably the star prize) is referred to as a Lada. This is a Russian car manufacturer, famous for ripping off the design of other manufacturers, especially Italian car giant FIAT. Ladas were universally derided. The fact that the best "What's the question?" can offer to its winner is a Lada speaks volumes about the cheapness of the show.
Alan mentions Newcastle Brown. This is a thick brown ale, popular with those "oop north".
Sarah's new publicity agent and ghost writer mentions that Alan provided Exocet missiles to General Galtieri. This, plus a previous comment at the start of the show about compulsory national service, references the Falklands war of the early 80s.
Sidekick
And so we're back to Piers again. The naivete of the man is almost astounding. He takes it as read, when Alan tell him, that nobody likes him, that he is being blamed for the story – – – the fictional story – – – about Thatcher's private life, and agrees to help Alan blow up the newspaper works. Well, in reality, he does all the work himself. B'Stard would never get his hands dirty with such an enterprise, unless there was a big payoff. And even then, he probably try to get Piers to do it.
But soon enough, we will see the worm turn. A man can only take so much abuse, even if it is from someone he believes to be his best friend, before he will shout "Enough!", before he begins to realise how he is being used, before he stands up for himself. All it takes is one good woman to whisper in his ear, and that good woman is waiting in the wings…
And isn't that…?
NICHOLAS PARSONS:Yes, it's the man himself: Nicholas Parsons plays the smarmy gameshow host, as himself. For those of you who don't know, or weren't paying attention when I mentioned it earlier, Parsons made his name with a gameshow in the 80s called "Sale of the Century".
Machinations
Although there is no big scheme here, no moneymaking plan, no attempt to defraud, mislead or otherwise pervert the course of justice, in the process making him a big pile of cash, Alan's fertile mind goes into overdrive when it comes time to ensure his own survival. He goes to see Thatcher, spinning a story about Sarah leaking important political information that could be damaging to the party, but his efforts are in vain. Thatcher explains that she knows all about his past, and indeed it was she who instructed Sarah to publish her memoirs. Still not done, he spins another story, this time to Piers, which results in the newspaper works being blown up by Piers, in the mistaken belief that he is saving his own reputation and possibly skin. Either way, B'Stard's plans work out as they usually do: to his advantage. Survival of the most devious? There is none more so than Alan B'Stard.