Trollheart will not be updating for a while because he is sad...
Well, not sad
per se, but a little depressed. Lacking in inspiration. No, that's not right either: I have lots of ideas and am excited about implementing them. But I'm finding it very hard to motivate myself to do anything. I think it all began when I decided to run Nickelback Week (yeah, blame Chad!); the more I thought about it and the closer it got the more I found I was dreading it. I still wanted to do it, and more importantly I didn't want to let Briks down, but I just could not get it together. I tried. I wrote some sections, but funny as they were they didn't make me happy. I just felt ... I don't know ... bored? Fed up? Not interested?
Thing is, those of you who know me will know that I don't do things half-heartedly, and if I had gone ahead with Nickelback Week the lack of interest would have shown in my writing. I'd rather not do it, or defer it, than just go through the motions because I felt I had to. The same with my journals, all of them: if the passion isn't there it will show in the prose and I know people would not want me just writing because I felt I had to. My journals have always been, and will continue to be, very important to me but my mental health is starting to suffer slightly and I have to make a choice.
The thing I realise now is that I have been running my journals and coming on here every single day (apart from the odd emergency) for three years solid now, and it's begun to sort of take over my life. Oh I still enjoy it of course and I wouldn't stop doing it, but it's gradually become clear to me over the last week that I'm really making this more a job, a task, a chore than a hobby. It's no longer fun. I'm putting self-imposed deadlines on myself, some of which I'm struggling to meet, and I'm waking every day with a sense of "what do I write today" or "I should be posting an update". Between everything I'm involved in --- album clubs, journals, the update thread, and just posting --- I've burned myself out.
So....
... it's time for me to take a little holiday. I'm not going anywhere of course, but I need to step back from this, this ... well, if I'm honest, it's become something of a grind really --- and I fully realise and accept that I have nobody to blame for this situation but myself. I put the pressure upon myself, nobody forced me to update, or come up with new ideas and so forth. (Even as I write this, my sister has called me down (hysterically) to kill two moths and it's 3 AM almost!)
Nevertheless, I need to wake up nor worrying about what review I have to write or what self-imposed deadline I need to meet. I want to watch trashy TV and NOT think about including it in the Couch Potato, I need to listen to music purely for pleasure and NOT for the purposes of review, and I need to kick back and just enjoy what I can of life. In short, I need a rest.
Nobody need worry about me --- what do you mean, don't hold your breath? Charming! --- I won't be gone forever. It may only take a few days, a week, a few weeks. It may take longer. I really don't know. But I need to pull back completely from this site as it has played too large and important a part in my life, through my own fault, and this needs to be addressed by me.
So there'll be no input at all from me until I sort this out. As far as the two album clubs go, either proceed without me or wait till I come back, I don't mind which. The journal update thread will be put on hold for the moment too. I just don't intend to be involved at all for the time being, unless someone really needs me for something, and I can't even imagine what that would be, be if you need me I'll still get my PMs through Gmail or you can email me directly.
I know people go off the grid all the time and nobody worries, but I tend to be such a permanent fixture here I just wanted to explain what I was doing, in case anyone thought anything was wrong. I'm not sick, I'm not grieving or dealing with any major issue. I am depressed, though I don't know why, although overwork could be the reason.
Anyway that's the story. Until I feel recharged you won't see me around. I'm sure it will be no hardship for most people, but for those who do miss me, don't worry: I will be back.
I just can't say when, just yet.
And with that, this is Trollheart signing off for now.
Be well, all of you.
See you some other time!
PS Briks, sorry man but I just can't face any of it right now. Hope you understand...