Let’s just get one thing straight from the start: I do not watch reality shows as a rule. I hate the bloody things. “Survivor”, “American Idol”, “Big Brother”, “Dancing with the stars” …. name any reality show you like and the chances are I’ll hate it. I hate the lazy programming, the formulaic way of presenting these things, and the constant hero-worship that seems to go with both the judges and the contestants, like everyone assumes you must be watching the show, and if you’re not then why not? Reality shows also show a bored, lacklustre attitude to television programming. Why look for, or make, new drama, comedy or (god help us) sci-fi shows when you can just take the current format, tweak it a little and hey presto! You have a new show. X-Factor? American Idol. Dancing with the stars? Dancing on ice. Not to mention the slew of programmes that then split off into national versions: Survivor UK. Survivor USA. Survivor Canada. I don’t know if this particular show spun off, so don’t post comments telling me I’m wrong. I don’t care: I’m just using it as an example, and certain shows have certainly been taken up by countries other than the one in which they began.
Another of my favourites (the only other really), “Dragons Den” did it, although technically I don’t count that as a reality show, as it doesn’t follow the tired and banal format of other shows. But nevertheless you have Dragons Den Canada, Dragons Den Ireland and the US version which they decided to call, for some reason, the Shark Tank. Yeah. Um. These reality shows take away interest, finance and support from other shows which should get an equal chance, but no. If you don’t have four judges (one of which has to be smarmy and/or nasty) and people voting in --- probably texting, though Twitter is no doubt just around the corner --- then we do not want to know. A show about cowboys? Who’s going to watch that? Eighteenth-century period drama? Do me a favour, pal! And as for that show about Pan Am! Doomed to failure, son. Doomed to failure.
Because of course what makes or breaks a show is not how good or bad it is, it’s how many people watch it, and by extension how much advertising space the networks can sell. Ratings, in the world of television, are the great leveller. Many a great and long-running series has fallen foul of the ennui of the jaded audience, who lose interest and so the ratings plummet and the show is axed. Conversely, some shows that have clearly been on the air for far too long rather than being put out of their misery remain there because enough people are watching them to make them commercially viable, even after many years of the same tired and boring storylines. Sure it’s the whole soap opera idea. Families all across the UK and Ireland sit down to watch “Coronation Street” and “Eastenders” two or three times a week, and often will look at each other in bemused indifference as another lacklustre episode ends. But they keep coming back to it --- it’s almost a tradition at this point --- hoping it will pick up, and so the viewing figures remain steady and Britain’s two best-loved soaps are in no danger of cancellation, despite both being clearly well past their prime.
And everyone loves a reality show! You’ll hear them talking about them in work, at the shops, at school, whereever you may happen to be. Who will win “Dancing on ice?” Didja see that fella on “Britain’s Got Talent?” When is “Masterchef” on? It’s like a shared national, or global, consciousness, and people the world over look forward to the return of their favourite reality show as it comes back for season one billion, never fearing the axe because these shows are giving people what they want, and when you give people what they want they will always come back for more. Or, to put it another way and to quote Lisa Simpson: you’ll never go broke appealing to the lowest common denominator.
So yes, I hate reality shows and so by definition I should hate this show. Massive egos walk in the door and tell everyone how great they are, like nobody ever ran a business before they showed up, and suck up to the boss in the slim hopes of beating the other candidates and landing a plum job at his company. It’s all about the nasty, cut-throat world of business and there’s little or no room for sentimentality. A show like “The Apprentice” should have me reaching for the channel changer as I try not to bring my dinner back up.
So, why does it not? Why am I so drawn to this show, which I should hate? Why do I look forward eagerly, like the sheep who count the days to the next American Idol or whatever, to the new season and then lose myself in it? It’s not for research and it’s not to prove that I’ve at least tried it and hate it. And it’s certainly not for irony. The truth is, I don’t know why I enjoy this show but I do. Don’t get me wrong: there are a lot of things about it that I dislike, and I often catch myself thinking “WTF am I watching this?” but I never turn it off. In fact, the very idea of featuring it here must mean that I really do enjoy it, and that it’s among my favourite shows. And it is.
I realise fully that ninety-nine point nine nine nine recurring to infinity percent of you here could not give a pair of rat’s balls about this show and will pass over the writeups here with rolled eyes or shakes of the head, wondering what the hell am I doing wasting time and energy on this when I could be writing more “Spooks” or “Babylon 5” or “Futurama” or, well, anything. Some of you may be looking at it and saying “HTF did I get here? I meant to click on Janszoon’s journal link!” Happens all the time. But the point is that I know very, very few people, even those of you into reality TV, will be interested in reading what I write here, and that is just fine. But from the first I’ve wanted to find a way to expound on my thoughts about this show, and for a while that desire found its outlet with another website, but things did not work out and anyway it was only the current season they were interested in, and of the UK version too.
So I’m writing this more or less for myself. If anyone wants to comment they are as ever welcome, and I’d love to debate the ins and outs of the show with you. But I don’t expect that to happen. This is a show most of you will skip over, I know that. No problem. But I have a lot to say --- good and bad --- about it, and this is my journal and here is where I intend to say that. If you don’t want to read it nobody is forcing you. If on the other hand you are one of the few who are interested in, or intrigued by the premise of, this show, then you may find something here to entertain or even educate you. My hope is eventually to do all three series I have watched, that is, the US, UK and Irish versions, though finding a source for the middle one is proving very hard. But I have hopes. If I manage it then I intend to try to run them in tandem with each other --- okay, there are three
: trandem? Whatever; I mean I’m going to run all three at once. What that would mean would be that I would first post, say, episode one of season one of the US Apprentice, followed by episode one season one of the UK and then the opener for season one of the Irish version. The latter only lasted four seasons so after that --- if I ever get that far --- we’d drop back to the UK and US ones, which are I think about evenly matched in terms of how many seasons they have so far run for.
For anyone who does not know, and wishes to know, what the show is about, here’s a basic rundown. Super-rich corporate magnate Donald Trump (and in the UK version Lord Sugar, formerly Sir Alan) selects fifteen of “the best of the best” to come to his headquarters in New York and take part in what he calls “the interview from Hell”. Basically, over the course of about twelve weeks or so, each candidate has to work with others in a team to do various things, and do them better than the other team. This could be anything from starting their own ice-cream parlour to putting on a lavish gala show for celebrities. After each task the two teams are called to Trump’s boardroom, where he announces who has won the task. Each team has a PM, or Project Manager, and in the losing team one person will be fired each week. It may not be the PM, but often it is.
As the weeks go on and the tasks get harder, the weak are weeded out and those unable to stand the heat are kicked out of the kitchen, till finally only two people are left standing and these are pitted against each other, the winner taking the prize of a senior position in one of Trump’s many companies. They are The Apprentice.
I suppose what I like about the show is that it can really trip the self-righteous, arrogant candidates up, forcing them to commit errors they maybe wouldn’t normally or putting them in an unfamiliar situation that they find hard to cope with --- someone who, for instance, can’t stand dogs might have to work with a team to groom these animals, or someone who knows nothing about fashion might have to help put on a fashion show ---- which sorts the men from the boys and the women from the girls. It’s gratifying, in a
schaudenfraude way I suppose to see these self-aggrandising "business prodigies" argue over what how to properly identify something on a list of items they have to locate, or to see them snapping over what colours should be used on a logo. Also, people who are not used to taking orders have to learn to work within a team and do what they’re told. Not always easy.
But I think it’s mostly the way they cope (or don’t!) with the varied tasks they’re set that interests me most. Sometimes these tasks can reveal a real diamond in the rough, as someone discovers they have a talent for something they didn’t realise they had, as well as unearthing turds, where someone discovers they don’t. The interplay between these new leaders of tomorrow’s business world is always good to watch, and it’s funny when they make a simple mistake that you or I wouldn’t make, and you’re shouting at the screen saying “You idiot! There are two Ls in “appalling!” or whatever.
The tension as to who is going to win is another factor, as despite yourself you’ll find yourself allying with certain characters and candidates, and hoping they’ll triumph, or, more often, taking a dislike to others and waiting to see them sent home. The Boardroom (yeah, it requires capitalisation) always crackles with pent-up frustration, anger and recrimination, and Trump pulls no punches as, with his two aides, who shadow the teams as they go about their task and report back to the boss, he picks apart their failings and demands answers. Like sharks scenting blood in the water, the candidates almost always turn on each other, the teams disintegrating like smoke as everyone fights for his or her position, more than happy to throw one, two or more members of their group to the wolves. Sorry about the mixed metaphors, but I was going to say “under the bus” and I don’t like that phrase, not least because they use it a lot in the show.
And Trump, despite what he’d like to think, is not infallible. Over the seasons he has made some very questionable decisions, firing candidates who should have been kept and saving ones who clearly deserved to be let go. Even in the final selection he has, in my opinion, more than once chosen the wrong finalist. Whether this is for ratings or genuine on his part I don’t know, but perhaps it shows that behind the expensive suits and the limos and the apartments crammed to the ceiling with gold fixtures, the man is just as human as any of us, if richer possibly than God. It’s nice to know even he can get it wrong from time to time.
But in the final analysis, the last word is his and though he takes advice from his aides and listens to the results of each task, weighing a candidate’s performance sometimes on one task and sometimes over the course of several, his is the firing finger and his is the unalterable decision as to who goes, and who stays. To paraphrase CJ from “The fall and rise of Reginald Perrin”, he didn’t get where he is today by letting other people make his decisions for him!