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Trollheart · 10-02-2013, 09:58 AM

Never one to suffer a Poseur for any reason, True Metalhead and Defender of the Faith, The Batlord is here to warn the unwary and counsel the young and foolish against falling under the spell of some of the worst bands ever to claim Heavy Metal as their genre. Yes, it's

10. Trivium:

Trivium is an easy target these days, and not entirely without good reason, but they're certainly not the worst offenders of the melodic metalcore/deathcore scene. After all they're not the only band to mix thrash with dull metalcore to try to trick foolish youngsters who wouldn't know Exodus if they walked up and dropped their ten pound ballsack in their mouth, but they are pretty much the band to popularize this, and I think that any poseurs worth talking about are notable for their influence as well as their posing.

It can perhaps be argued that, while misguided, they are at least honest with their "innovations". With their The Crusade and Shogun albums Trivium legitimately tried to evolve into something more respectable, but subsequent efforts have returned to bargain basement metalcore masquerading as thrash and proven that they have neither the integrity nor the balls to take the leap. Fucking poseurs.

9. Slipknot:

Slipknot aren't the worst band on Earth by any stretch of the imagination, but for what they are I think they deserve a place on the list. They pretty much play "extreme metal" for people who don't know what extreme metal is and wouldn't like it if they did. And then there's the imagery: goats and not-quite-pentagrams meant to imply Satanism but not so much that they won't get stocked at Walmart, shock rock-lite masks and boiler suits to scare all the little tweens, and silly rhetoric that just comes across as watered-down black metal posturing.

8. Dimmu Borgir:

All right, real talk? I've never really listened to much Dimmu. Whenever I've listened to them in the past they always just bored the snot outta me. I was never the biggest fan of Norwegian black metal in the first place, but when you water it down to the point where it becomes a soulless impersonation of the genre then I'm asleep. Throw in symphonic keyboards so tasteless, overdone, and overbearing that it feels like the symphonic black metal equivalent of smoking a menthol cigarette (shut up, it makes sense) and Emperor starts looking mighty good.

7. Poison:

Honestly I don't really know much about Poison's history so I don't know if they brought glam metal to any new lows or anything, but all I know is that they're pretty much the poster boys for everything that was goofy about hair bands. "Look What the Cat Dragged In" aside, their music was about as deballsified as it was possible to be without being Michael Bolton and their "look" took the hair band self-parody to its logical conclusion (although to be fair, you know you'd probably take eighties Bret Michales home after a few too many shots of tequila.)

10-02-2013, 09:58 AM	#1906 (permalink)
Trollheart Born to be mild Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: 404 Not Found Posts: 26,996	Never one to suffer a Poseur for any reason, True Metalhead and Defender of the Faith, The Batlord is here to warn the unwary and counsel the young and foolish against falling under the spell of some of the worst bands ever to claim Heavy Metal as their genre. Yes, it's 10. Trivium: Trivium is an easy target these days, and not entirely without good reason, but they're certainly not the worst offenders of the melodic metalcore/deathcore scene. After all they're not the only band to mix thrash with dull metalcore to try to trick foolish youngsters who wouldn't know Exodus if they walked up and dropped their ten pound ballsack in their mouth, but they are pretty much the band to popularize this, and I think that any poseurs worth talking about are notable for their influence as well as their posing. It can perhaps be argued that, while misguided, they are at least honest with their "innovations". With their The Crusade and Shogun albums Trivium legitimately tried to evolve into something more respectable, but subsequent efforts have returned to bargain basement metalcore masquerading as thrash and proven that they have neither the integrity nor the balls to take the leap. Fucking poseurs. 9. Slipknot: Slipknot aren't the worst band on Earth by any stretch of the imagination, but for what they are I think they deserve a place on the list. They pretty much play "extreme metal" for people who don't know what extreme metal is and wouldn't like it if they did. And then there's the imagery: goats and not-quite-pentagrams meant to imply Satanism but not so much that they won't get stocked at Walmart, shock rock-lite masks and boiler suits to scare all the little tweens, and silly rhetoric that just comes across as watered-down black metal posturing. 8. Dimmu Borgir: All right, real talk? I've never really listened to much Dimmu. Whenever I've listened to them in the past they always just bored the snot outta me. I was never the biggest fan of Norwegian black metal in the first place, but when you water it down to the point where it becomes a soulless impersonation of the genre then I'm asleep. Throw in symphonic keyboards so tasteless, overdone, and overbearing that it feels like the symphonic black metal equivalent of smoking a menthol cigarette (shut up, it makes sense) and Emperor starts looking mighty good. 7. Poison: Honestly I don't really know much about Poison's history so I don't know if they brought glam metal to any new lows or anything, but all I know is that they're pretty much the poster boys for everything that was goofy about hair bands. "Look What the Cat Dragged In" aside, their music was about as deballsified as it was possible to be without being Michael Bolton and their "look" took the hair band self-parody to its logical conclusion (although to be fair, you know you'd probably take eighties Bret Michales home after a few too many shots of tequila.) __________________ Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018 Last edited by Trollheart; 10-02-2013 at 12:16 PM.