The Batlord

` ` `"Are you certain?" demanded Oscar in alarm, "We can't allow them to call for reinforcements. Goblins are like vermin, and there are certain to be hundreds of them in the vicinity. We could be overrun in minutes!"

` ` `"Thanks for the update, Mr. Cronkite," snapped Joey, "Now you scrotal avengers need to get your asses over there and kill those little SOB's, cause I can't get a clear shot."

` ` `But it was too late.

` ` `From behind one of its shield-bearing cohorts, a goblin raised a bone-white war horn to its lips and blew out a long, deep blast that reverberated off of the surrounding mountains, filling the entire valley with its call to arms.
` ` `We froze in dismay, and waited with baited breath for an answering call while the echoes of the first slowly died away. Almost an entire minute passed with no response. The goblins on the far bank regained some of their confidence when the horn was sounded, and hurled taunts and threats over the water. But as the seconds passed with no reply, their anxiety returned, and the insults trailed off.

` ` `"I guess they're not at home?" ventured Joey nervously.

` ` `"And you girls were scared," said Kerry in poorly-concealed relief, "I told you goblins were pussies."




` ` `I was about to tell them both to shut the fuck up, when from the north came the answering call of another goblin war horn. The way the sound bounced off the walls of the valley made it impossible to be sure, but the call seemed to have come from barely a mile away.
` ` `While we were still recovering from the first, a second, even closer horn echoed it from the south. And then another from back across the river to the west.

` ` `"It's a fucking trap," I exclaimed in frustration, "They've probably been tracking us for days!"

` ` `"What about to the east?" asked Joey, "There weren't any horns from over there."

` ` `"Why would they leave us an out like that?" asked Kerry.

` ` `"Perhaps the cat would like to play with the mice before he devours them," grimly replied Oscar.

` ` `"Well, whatever the fuck, there's no time for anything clever," I stated, "It's time to run. Fast."

` ` `Wasting no more time, we bolted into the trees opposite the river to the east as the last light of the sun started to fail. Under the dense cover of the trees the darkness was almost absolute, and becoming ever more so with each passing second. Unseen branches struck at us from all directions, and the undergrowth grabbed at our legs with every step of our headlong flight. The only things that gave us any sense of direction in the disorienting gloom were the war horns that were constantly blaring from the north, south, and west, herding us into the unknown. Soon, the flickering light of countless torches could be seen approaching through the trees from all around us, and we put every last ounce of speed we could muster into our burning legs.

` ` `And then suddenly, the trees came to an end. In the pitch black night the only light came from the full moon overhead and the rapidly enclosing torches. The increasing light revealed a sheer cliff that towered above us and paralleled the line of trees from north to south, blocking our escape route.

` ` `We were now well and truly trapped.

` ` `"Ah, fuck me," I exclaimed, "Well it looks like your wet dream came true, Kerry. Now we get to fight an entire fucking army of goblins."

` ` `"At least we get to go down like True Metalheads."

` ` `"Hey, here's an idea," cracked Joey, "Why don't you distract them by 'going down like a True Metalhead' and I'll use the confusion to escape to live to mosh another day, huh?"

` ` `"Pussy!"

` ` `"Retard!"

` ` `Before either of them could continue, from out of the trees poured hundreds of screaming goblins brandishing torches, swords, axes, and shields. Laughing and taunting us, they approached to within fifty feet of us and halted, completely encircling us against the cliff face.
` ` `From between their ranks stepped a large goblin, bearing a cloak made from the head and pelt of a wolf. With a mocking expression of triumph it called out to us, "Put down your weapons, you poseur faggots! Come quietly and we may just kill you before we eat you!"

` ` `"You know, I'm getting real fucking sick and tired of being called a poseur by some jackass who doesn't want to admit that De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas is just a ripoff of Sarcafago! Get bent!" I roared.

` ` `"Hey," said Joey, "I kinda like De Mysteriis."

` ` `"Shut up, Joey."

` ` `With an expression of blackest rage, the goblin chieftain bellowed to his warriors, "Take them! But do not kill them! These poseur fags need to be shown some proper goblin hospitality."

` ` `The goblin horde erupted with raucous cheering and savage battle cries of "The Prophet!" before surging forward with weapons held high.

` ` `"Fuck this!" I said, "True Metalheads, with me!"

` ` `Without waiting for a reply, I charged north along the line of the cliff to meet the ranks of the advancing goblins. As one, with swords raised, we collided with the goblins' upraised shields. Our fury and desperation filled us with the Light of True Metal, and our steel cut through their shields like butter, shattered their pitiful weapons, and passed through their foul flesh, showering the battlefield with blood and gore. The goblins despaired at our onslaught and attempted to flee, but were barred by the press of their fellows, and became easy prey for our blades. Freely we slew as their resistance crumbled in the face of True Metal, yet their numbers were endless. Slowly but surely we began to tire, our movements becoming sluggish, and the goblins rallied. But we would not bend. With every last breath in our bodies we fought on, refusing to stop until every last goblin lay dead at our feet.
` ` `In my exhaustion I didn't realize the danger until it was too late. My only warning was a flash of movement before a heavy net was cast over my head, throwing me to the ground. I tried to cut at it, but Gram became hopelessly ensnarled in the ropes, and no matter how much I struggled, the net held fast. Finally, my strength spent, I lay back gasping for breath, and heard from the thrashing beside me that my companions were all likewise ensnared.
` ` `The goblins surrounding me cursed and kicked at me, hooting their derision, until they were shoved aside by their chieftain. With a victorious sneer contorting its loathsome face, it gazed down at me in contempt and gloated, "You filthy, human poseur faggot. Now we will teach you fear. Now we will teach you pain." Turning to his warriors he declared, "Bind them! We will take these scum to the witch, and she will pronounce the judgement of the Prophet!"

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