The Batlord

The Return of the Kings of Metal: Part VII

` ` `The climb down from the stone spire after the battle with the wyvern was long and arduous, but afterwards Joey and I quickly reunited with Kerry and Oscar, and we all resumed our journey to find the poseur sorceress Tipper Gore. For over a week we trekked through the untamed wilderness of the Mountains of Madness; traversing over jagged mountains and raging, white rivers; down into lush valleys to roam through trackless, primordial forests that had not felt the presence of humans in centuries, where we were hunted by wolf and bear and mountain lion.
` ` `Even the weather itself seemed intent upon our destruction. For the first four days, a cold, drenching rain had fallen without respite that soaked what remained of our provisions, not to mention our clothes and our bedding. In the mountains, the torrential downpour caused mudslides that almost buried us on numerous occasions. In the valleys, the ground became flooded, forcing us to take long detours around temporary lakes while slogging through ankle and even knee-deep mud. By day five, the rain turned to sleet with then became blinding snow. The mud and water froze, but so did our supplies, and now we trudged through ever rising snow drifts that threatened to turn us to ice as we slept.

` ` `It fucking sucked.

` ` `But mercifully, come dawn on our eighth day in the mountains, we awoke to a clear blue sky with not a cloud in sight. The temperature was still well below freezing, and a blanket of waist-deep snow lay over the ground, but our spirits soared at the relative change in our fortunes. The fresh rabbit that Joey had caught also helped.
` ` `After we had eaten breakfast and beaten the ice crystals from our clothes, we broke camp and continued on our way through a heavily-forested valley on the western edge of the mountains. The woods were nearly impenetrable, and our progress was slow, but the cover of the trees had given some protection from the blizzard, so the drifts barely came up to our knees.

` ` `"So he was all like 'Fuck you, you midget-dragon son of a bitch!' Wahah! Stab! Stab, stab, stab!" exclaimed Joey, waving around an imaginary sword as we hiked through the trees, "'I'm gonna fuck your shit up, and your bitchass mom too!'"

` ` `It could have been worse. This was only the second time today that he had related the events of a week ago. So far...

` ` `"But then the momma wyvern flew all up in the air and was about to fry us and shit, but I was all like, 'Step aside, dude. I got this,' and then I was all chanty-trancy, and then...whapow! And then, BIZZANG!!! Shit was awesome. You guys shoulda been there."

` ` `"I feel as I had been, Joseph," replied Oscar dryly, while Kerry consoled himself by longingly fingering his ax.

` ` `"Joey," I snapped, "If you tell that god damn story one more fucking time, I'm gonna tie you to a tree, wrap your dick in beef jerky, and leave you to the wolves."

` ` `"Dude, don't be such a buzzkill. You're just mad cause you got all fucked up and I had to save you from certain death. It's okay, man. I'm sure you'll do better next time."

` ` `Sigh.

` ` `Time for a cigarette.

` ` `As I exhaled a white cloud of smoke, I was reminded of the bane of every smoker in winter: you can never be sure when you've breathed out all the smoke.

` ` `"Hey, where'd you get that?" asked Kerry, "I thought Joey threw your last pack over a cliff."

` ` `"I have my ways."

` ` `"And what happened to your broken ribs?" asked Joey, "I thought you were all fucked up."

` ` `"A few broken ribs are insignificant next to the power of True Metal."

` ` `"My friends," interjected Oscar, "I am loathe to spoil the mood, but I believe that there is something that you should all see."

` ` `Oscar had stopped, and was now pointing into the trees to our right. Following the direction of his finger we all peered into the thick undergrowth. Soon, we noticed that the snow not ten yards away had been disturbed as if by the passage of some large animal. But even from here we could tell that the tracks hadn't been left by any animal.

` ` `"What the fuck?" muttered Kerry.

` ` `Approaching the tracks, we saw that whatever had left them had walked on two legs, and had been wearing heavy boots. In the dense trees, it was impossible to tell where they had come from or where they had gone, but since the snow had continued to fall until the early hours of the morning, the pristine tracks could have been no more than a few hours old.

` ` `"There aren't any people in the Mountains of Madness, right, Oscar?" I queried.

` ` `"Correct."

` ` `"So...goblins?"

` ` `"It would stand to reason."

` ` `"Fuck yeah, goblins!" bellowed Kerry, "I've been itchin' for some proper asskicking ever since Danzig!"

` ` `"Would you shut up, you dumb fucking oaf?" I ground out, "These could've been left ten minutes ago. He and his butt-fugly friends could be twenty feet away and we'd never know in these fucking trees. For all we know they're tracking us right the fuck now."

` ` `"I fucking hope so!" he exclaimed, barely any quieter than before, "Don't tell me you're scared of some pussyass goblins."

` ` `"No I'm not scared of goblins, but that doesn't mean we need to invite trouble. Why don't you use that empty specimen cup you call a head for once. No talking from here on out. Everyone keep your eyes peeled, and for the love of Dio, Kerry, if you're gonna fart, do it quietly."

` ` `"I make no promises."

` ` `"Hey," interjected Joey, "Doesn't that mean you should put your cigarette out?"

` ` `I glared daggers at Joey.

` ` `"Well, doesn't it?"

` ` `Still glowering at him with loathing, I flicked my cigarette into the snow, and we continued on our way.

` ` `With our hands on our weapons, and our heads on swivels, we silently and cautiously crept through the forest. The only sounds we heard were the chirping of birds, and the only living thing we saw was a rabbit that bolted from a bush right next to Joey's feet that sent him sprawling to the ground in startlement.
` ` `After walking for much of the day, we came upon a small, but deep and swiftly-flowing river flowing north to south across our path. Unable to ford it without risking hypothermia or being swept away by the strong current, we followed the river downstream to the south, searching for a way across.
` ` `As we traveled along the snow-covered west bank of the river, we began to see more of the same tracks that we had seen in the woods. More ominous still, the further south we went, the more the tracks increased in number. It was impossible to be tell, but we were sure that they had been made by more than one individual. Many more.
` ` `We were about to turn back and try our chances to the north, when we caught sight of a tall tree that had fallen across the river, making a crude but functional bridge.

` ` `"We should approach with caution, my friends," warned Oscar, "We are not the only ones to use this bridge. See how the snow teems with goblin tracks at the base of the tree."

` ` `"Duh," mocked Joey, "We have eyes. So if there are so many fucking goblins in these here woods, maybe it would be a good idea to turn around and find another way to cross."

` ` `"And maybe it would be a good idea for you to clean the shit outta your diaper, you fucking pussy," sneered Kerry, "I say fuck the goblins. I'm hungry, and the sooner we get over that bridge, the sooner we get to eat."

` ` `"Unfortunately, Kerry's right...sort of," I said, gazing at the quickly setting sun, already touching the horizon, "We need to make camp soon, and I'd like to get across the river and as far away from those tracks as possible before it gets dark."

` ` `So, with weapons drawn, we approached the foot of the great tree trunk, alert for even the slightest hint of danger, but still we saw and heard nothing. Yet there seemed to be a hush over the entire forest, like the calm before the storm.

` ` `"Dudes," said Joey nervously, "Does anybody else notice that the birds have stopped singing?"

` ` `"Aye," replied Oscar tensely, sweeping his eyes over the trees, "The hairs on the back of my neck tell me that we are being watched by unfriendly eyes."

` ` `"Well it's too fucking late now," I declared, "If those assholes want a fight, then there isn't a whole load of fuck we can do about it besides giving them a steel enema. Now, up onto the bridge. I'll take point, followed by Oscar, then Kerry, and Joey has rearguard."

` ` `"Oh. Goody."

` ` `"Shut up, Joey."

` ` `That's bullshit," grumbled Kerry, "Why the fuck can't I take point?"

` ` `"Cause you fart."

` ` `"Fuck you."

` ` `"Alright, fine, if you wanna take point so bad, then you can stay in the back in front of Joey."

` ` `"Oh, hell ye-hey! Fuck you!"

` ` `"If you want, you can take my spot."

` ` `"Shut up, Joey."

` ` `So, one by one, we climbed onto the broad trunk and started to make our way across. The going was treacherous, so we were forced to tread carefully; the tree was sound, but the spray from the river had coated it in a slick layer of ice that threatened to send us tumbling into the freezing current with every step. But that was soon the least of our worries...

` ` `When we were halfway down the makeshift bridge, from the trees on the far bank poured no less than a score of goblins waving crude axes and swords in the air and jeering at us in their uncouth language. From behind, Joey called out a warning, and we turned and saw a like number of goblins on the other side, effectively surrounding us.

` ` `"Well, Kerry," I said, "It looks like you got your wish. Are you fucking happy now?"

` ` `"Pretty much," he replied with a wolfish grin.

` ` `In a harsh, ugly form of English (or should we be speaking German?) one of the goblins on the far, east bank, presumably the leader, called out to us, "What are humans doing in these mountains? This is our land, and you are not welcome here! So fuck off!"

` ` `"We are True Metalheads," I declared, "And we are passing through the Mountains of Madness to find and kill the poseur sorceress Tipper Gore. All we ask is that you let us pass, and we'll be off of your land as soon as we can."

` ` `"'True Metalheads'?" the goblin sneered, "I see your shirts. Morbid Angel? Dio? Iron Maiden? You're nothing by poseur faggots! You come onto our land, spreading your poseur lies, and you think we're just going to let you go? Hah!"

` ` `"Look at their shirts, my friend," murmured Oscar, "Mayhem, Darkthrone, Behexen, Orcustus. These are Trve Kvltists; mindless fanatics who would deny the glory of all but the purest black metal. They consider us enemies as surely as they do the poseurs."

` ` `"Oh, fuck me," I muttered, and to the goblin I shouted, "Dude, come the fuck on with this bullshit, you small-minded turd! Morbid Angel rule and you fucking know it!"

` ` `"Fuck your faggotass death metal, you poseur bitch!" he shot back.

` ` `"I'd rather listen to death metal than some two-bit Darkthrone ripoff, you retard! Behexen fucking suck!"

` ` `"Way to diplomacize, dude."

` ` `"Shut up, Joey."

` ` `"Fuck this shit!" roared the goblin, enraged, "Nobody insults Behexen! Kill them in the name of the Prophet!"

` ` `With savage battle cries, the goblins surged onto the bridge, but they were no more steady on the ice than us, so we had precious seconds with which to act. I rushed forward, the Light of True Metal granting me speed and agility, and aimed a slash at the first goblin in line. It clumsily parried the blow, but in doing so lost its footing, and toppled into the swiftly-flowing river with a cry, taking the next goblin with it. The third hesitated, brandishing its rusty ax uncertainly, so I feinted towards its head, and then cut at its feet, severing its legs at the ankles, sending it into the frigid water shrieking in agony. The remaining goblins fled in terror to the safety of the riverbank, knocking several of their fellows off of the log and into the river in their panic.

` ` `"What'd I say, dude?!" bellowed Kerry, "Pussies! Now let's hurry up and get off this fucking tree so I can kill some of my own!"

` ` `"Hold the fuck on!" I shot back, "I gotta make me a good entrance!"

` ` `And with that I dashed forward and leapt off the edge of the trunk, flying high over the heads of the dumbstruck goblins. Directly before me, the goblin leader gaped at me, a look of shock on its sallow, hideous face, as I buried Gram into its skull, splitting him from crown to navel, before landing in a crouch in front of his toppling corpse.

` ` `"Behexen. Fucking. Suck." I declared, before spitting on the goblin's steaming entrails, "Bitch."

` ` `After that it was the chaos of battle. My reckless leap had dropped me right into the middle of the cluster of goblins, and they quickly recovered their courage in the face of their overwhelming numbers. But though they may have been metalheads, they were still goblins, and Trve Kvlt fools besides, so they were unprepared for the assault of a True Metalhead of the Highest Caliber such as myself.
` ` `They charged in a disorganized mass, aiming clumsy slashes and thrusts that I easily parried and danced away from. From behind, my sword arm was seized in a two-handed grip by a particularly ugly goblin wearing a Horna t-shirt. Its mocking expression turned to surprise when my left fist smashed into its face, spraying me with foul-smelling black blood. It let go of my arm to bring its hands to its shattered nose and teeth, and I swept my freed sword in a horizontal arc that gutted another goblin with its sword held high in the air for an ill-considered two-handed, overhead strike.
` ` `Already spinning away, I readied myself to take the head of a charging goblin, when the top of its skull exploded in a hail of blood, bone, and brains.

` ` `"God damn it, Kerry," I snapped, spitting out grey matter, "That fucker was mine!"

` ` `"If you liked it, then you shoulda put a ring on it, asshole," Kerry shot back with a grin as he shook gore from his mace, "Now this is what the fuck I call a party!"

` ` `"Fuck yeah! Now, less talky, more killy!"

` ` `But it was already over. The goblins that hadn't already been slain were fleeing into the woods in terror, dropping their weapons in their haste to escape.

` ` `"Your little 'stunt' certainly had the desired psychological effect, my friend," observed Oscar, while planting a foot on a dead goblin to wrench his sword from the creature's rib cage, "Foolish though it was."

` ` `"Yeah, whatever, it was all badass and shit, but we got a fucking situation on the other side of the river," interrupted Joey insistently.

` ` `I turned toward the far bank and saw that he had not been idle. Several corpses lay dead, arrows protruding from their throats. Other seemed to be missing, presumably carried off by the river with matching arrow wounds after attempting to cross the bridge. The remaining goblins, numbering around a dozen, cowered behind rickety shields of wood and animal hide, slowly retreating backwards toward the trees while Joey sighted in on them with his bow, a frown of concentration on his face.

` ` `"The fuck are you talking about?" I asked in confusion, "Are you running out of arrows or something?"

` ` `"No," he replied, still hunting for a clear shot, "But I'm pretty sure one of those fuckers has a war horn."

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