The Batlord

The Return of the Kings of Metal: Part V

` ` `The sight beyond the doors of the hall was awe-inspiring. Before us was what must once have been a massive chamber. The floor that spread out to either side of us spoke of vastness and was made of the same cracked and worn marble as the hall behind us. But the floor in front of us had collapsed completely, taking most of the ceiling and surrounding walls with it, and leaving an area not more than fifty feet across, ending in a jagged ruin precariously suspended over open space. Through the unencumbered view, the dazzling rays of the sun burned into eyes accustomed to gloom, blinding us with their glare. We had entered the staircase no later than midnight and no more than an hour had passed, yet somehow the full light of day shone down on this place. Once our eyes had adjusted we saw to our further astonishment that beyond the jutting floor, and underneath a cloudless, crystal blue sky, was revealed a jungle, a rainforest no less, alive with the howls of monkeys, the chattering of a multitude of birds, and the buzzing of innumerable insects. From our relative position to the canopy of trees below us we knew that we must be several hundred feet in the air as we stared out over a jungle that stretched out before us as far as the eye could see. But even from this height we could make out great towers and edifices of the same white stone as the hall in various states of decay. The jungle had all but reclaimed many, but many more still stood, though they were so decrepit and mired in filth and creeping vines that some almost appeared to be trees themselves.
` ` `Our amazement was such that at first we were mindless of the intense, equatorial heat that assailed us, but it soon brought us crashing back to our senses.

` ` `"Toto..." said Joey in astonishment, "I don't think we're in the Polish desert anymore."

` ` `We had been so intent on the sights beyond the chamber that we did not even see the figures before us, but we now noticed them for the first time. They sat motionless, facing us side-by-side in the lotus position, wearing robes of the purest white, on a protruding outcropping of marbled floor, heedless of the plunging drop only a few short yards from their backs. In fact, they seemed unaware of any of their surroundings, and only continued to sit stock-still, hands resting on their knees, staring straight ahead without giving even the slightest acknowledgement to our presence. Strangest of all though, were the many small, burning braziers surrounding each of them in tight circles from which rose lazily billowing clouds of thick smoke that partially obscured the two men. The sharp, skunky odor of the dankest of weeds that I had ever known emanating from them left little doubt as to what was being burned.

` ` `"They, uh...they don't seem to know we're here," remarked Joey, "Should one of us, I don't know, say something to them? Whoever they are?"

` ` `Looking nervously amongst ourselves, Oscar, Joey, and Kerry eventually turned to me and and shoved my forward. I looked back at them with an annoyed glare, and they grinned reassuringly, giving me a "thumbs up". I flipped them the bird. Wiping sweat from my forehead I took a step forward and called out to the silent men on the precipice, "Hey! Meditating dudes! Watcha doin'?!"

` ` `Nothing.

` ` `Stymied, I gazed at them for several moments before turning to my companions and waving them forward.

` ` `They gave me a thumbs up.

` ` `Glowering at them, I snapped, "Get the fuck over here!" pointing down at the ground beside me.

` ` `Reluctantly, they finally joined me, and Joey tentatively asked, "So, uh...what the fuck is up with the Burnouts of Enlightened Ascension over there?"

` ` `His hand stroking his chin in thought, Oscar ventured, "The smoke obscuring them makes it impossible to be sure, but I believe that they must be the oracles Chris Hakius and Al Cisneros. I can think of no other possibility. I do not think that the Light of True Metal would be so strong in this place were it a haven for poseurs."

` ` `"But why the fuck are they just sitting there not doing anything," asked Kerry, "They're giving me the creeps."

` ` `"Those weirdos are always going on about spirituality and reaching new levels of consciousness and dropping acid for Jesus or whatever," I replied, "As high as they must be they're probably halfway to the moon by now."

` ` `Scratching his head in confusion, Joey asked, "But why do they have to come all the way out here just to get baked? Why don't they just do it on their work break like normal people?"

` ` `"This place is alive with the Light of True Metal," replied Oscar, "Perhaps they are drawing on its energies to enhance their powers as oracles."

` ` `Almost timidly, we approached to within ten feet of the two men, but were prevented from coming any further by the smoke. Even from this distance, the casually wafting tendrils of weed smoke were almost overpowering. For even True Metalheads of the Highest caliber such as ourselves, to stand in the middle of those braziers would likely have led only to utter madness.

` ` `Holy fuck!" exclaimed Joey, holding his hand to his mouth and nose, "I'm high as hell already! Those dudes aren't human to be able to sit in the middle of that shit!"

` ` `And then, as if by magic, the hazy veil of smoke in front of their faces parted...

` ` `They were indeed Chris Hakius and Al Cisneros of Om, Sacred Oracles of the Light of True Metal, seers of the unseen and knowers of the unknown. Expressionless, eyes ever staring forward at a point not of this world, Chris Hakius spoke...

` ` `"Finally, you have come, as I have long foreseen. Four who are blessed by the Light of True Metal. Four who would defend True Metal in its direst need."

` ` `Other than his speech Chris Hakius showed no more sign that he was aware of our presence than before. Then, in the same manner as his fellow, Al Cisneros carried on from where the other had left off, as if their thoughts originated from the same source...

` ` `"You have sought me out to acquire the knowledge of True Metal. I shall waste no more time. Ask your questions. I shall answer."

` ` `Clearing my throat nervously, I asked, "So, uh...oracle dudes, where in the Holy Name of Everloving Fuck are we?"

` ` `For several seconds the oracles sat silent in contemplation. However, as soon as I asked my question, the tendrils of smoke languorously curling about them began to...twitch, as if alive. Finally, Chris Hakius solemnly spoke...

` ` `"You now sand in what was once the throne room of the Palace Metalium, seat of power of the lost True Metal Kingdom of Metaliana."

` ` `"The room from whence you have come," continued Al Cisneros, "Was the Hall of the Kings. The statues enshrined within are effigies of the great Kings of Metal who once ruled over this land. Each one is filled with a small part of their essences, so that the Light of True Metal that was within them, such as the world has never known since, will always remain on this Earth."

` ` `"Their power is magnified by the presence of those within whom the Light of True Metal is strong," spoke Chris Hakius, "You saw how they glimmered just with the four of you near. When Metaliana still flourished, and this city was filled with thousands upon thousands of the Truest Metalheads that have ever lived, the statues shone as the sun, and the hall remained bright as day even in blackest night. The power of the Light of True Metal that you felt once spread far and wide, so that all mankind was filled with it, and the Light of the statues grew even greater. All the world was a paradise for True Metal under their Light, without hate, without war, without suffering."

` ` `For a time we were silent after the oracles had finished, and then Oscar, whose head was bent in thought, gazed up and addressed them, "Great Ones, what you speak of is almost too fantastic to believe. How can such a kingdom have existed and not be known to us?"

` ` `Again there was a long pause before the oracles gave their reply, and again the smoke shifted and convulsed around them, seemingly with a mind of its own. Eventually, Al Cisneros began to speak...

` ` `"Since the day that life began on this planet over two billion years ago, the Light of True Metal has existed in every living thing and has shaped their destinies and their evolution. From the highest of the gods, to the lowliest virus, nothing that now exists has been free of its influence. But one being has always had a special affinity for True Metal."

` ` `"From the day that the ancestors of man crawled from the oceans," spoke Chris Hakius, "And even before, they have been the chosen of True Metal, and the Light has always been strongest in them above all others. But even within them the Light of True Metal was not fully realized. One day though, a great man, the first True Metalhead, transformed sound into music for the first time, and that music was True Metal. It was then that True Metal was finally awakened on Earth to its full potential and the first true Defenders of the Faith were born."

` ` `"The new humans now had a language with which to communicate with those whose speech had been incomprehensible," spoke Al Cisneros, "And the petty feuds which had divided the tiny, isolated tribes began to fade away in the face of this new power that could unify even the bitterest of enemies. The Light of True Metal began to flourish, and with it so did the first True Metalheads. Inspired by the Light, they soon invented agriculture, and built the first settlements, and eventually...brought forth the first civilization."

` ` `"In the cradle of humanity, aeons before our current knowledge of recorded history begins, the Kingdom of Metaliana was founded," spoke Chris Hakius, "And under its influence, all of the disparate heathen tribes that had never known the glory of True Metal finally learned of its truths and were made whole. This was a perfect world. A world that was too perfect to be. It was at this time that the First Poseur came into being."

` ` `"The Light of True Metal recoils from this...creature," spoke Al Cisneros, with a distaste that was palpable even through the distance of his trance, "And my visions of the First are faint, but I do know that he was a being of limitless malice and treachery. He existed within this very city like a cancer and began to poison it and True Metal from the inside out with his vileness. With easy promises of power and wealth he preyed on the innocence and gullibility of True Metalheads who knew nothing of the darkness of false metal, and seduced them into evil.

` ` `"Eventually, the King of Metaliana saw the truth of his treason and banished him," spoke Chris Hakius, "But the First's claws had sunk far more deeply than ever the king had guessed. His followers had become legion, and a great and terrible war erupted that laid waste to Metaliana. Long years of bloodshed saw the ranks of the Defenders dwindle, while the poseurs only continued to multiply like vermin. In the twilight of Metaliana, the holy city of Kadath, where you now stand, was laid siege by the vast hordes of the First. The onslaught of the poseurs was cruel, and they had neither pity nor mercy and after a bitter struggle, the Defenders of the Faith were overcome, the walls breached, and all hope seemed lost."

` ` `"But even as they knew that the end was near," spoke Al Cisneros, "The last King of Metaliana and his remaining retainers, the last True Metalheads left on Earth, numbering no more than a hundred, opened the gates of Kadath and made one last glorious charge into the enemy ranks, knowing that they rode to their doom. These were True Metalheads of the Highest Caliber each and every one, and with the last of the Light of the Hall of Kings imbuing them with a power never seen before or since, they laid waste to all that came before them, and the poseur host would have broken or fled but for the presence of the First. The king and his companions shone with a Light that shamed the sun, but the pure darkness of the First was greater still."

` ` `"Upon the center of the field of battle, surrounded by great mountains of poseur corpses, the king and his men and the First finally met," spoke Chris Hakius, "The resulting clash shook the Earth to its very foundations. One by one, the Defenders fell and did not stir, and yet they would not yield. One by one, they died, until only the king remained, beaten and broken, but still not bowed. The First, with cruelty upon his black breath, promised to spare him if he would but submit and renounce True Metal forever. But the king would not. With the last of his strength, he struggled to his feet and, with one final gesture of defiance, threw up the horns with his left hand, and with his right, struck one last, mighty blow to the First. His last breath spent, the King of Metaliana finally fell, and with him, the last True Metalhead on Earth."

` ` `"But his sacrifice was not in vain," spoke Al Cisneros, "With his last strength the king had struck the First a grievous blow that wounded him to his core. His very essence shattered, the First was cast from this plane of existence and thrown into the very depths of Hel. Yet even then, weakened though he may have been, the virulence of his spirit could not be wholly destroyed, and he began again to gather his strength. Even now the First awaits his time. Even now he plots his revenge and the final eradication of True Metal."

` ` `"And yet the First had been defeated, and his army scattered," spoke Chris Hakius, "Never again would the darkness of false metal cast so terrible a shadow over the world. But his legacy remains: Kadath lay in ruins, its people dead; Metaliana had been devastated through long years of strife, and existed now only in memory. Without its Light, men returned to savagery and war, and a dark age fell that lasted for millennia, until Sumer rose from the ashes of the old world and civilization again returned. Alas, True Metal did not rise with it. Man's innocence had been tainted, and while the Light of True Metal shone still in the hearts of all men, so too now did the darkness of false metal. Not until 1970, when Black Sabbath brought forth their first holy offering, did True Metal return to this world. But with the light comes the darkness, and with True Metal comes false metal, and so the eternal battle begins anew."

` ` `When the oracles had finished their tale, quiet reigned over us like a pall. The sadness which had permeated the Light of True Metal, which had before filled us with dread, now only filled us with a profound sense of sorrow for all that had been lost that none but us were even aware of. Even the jungle itself, so alive with the cacophony of life only a few short minutes before, seemed to have lapsed into a silent melancholy.

` ` `"But that is not why you have come," proclaimed Al Cisneros, breaking us from our somber reveries, "You seek the source of the poseur threat assailing your kingdom."

` ` `The tale of Metaliana's destruction had stoked the flames of my hatred for false metal and all poseurs to a blazing inferno, and I clenched my fist in anger before responding, "Yes. Whose fucking army is invading our borders? Who the fuck destroyed Danzig? And where the fuck can we find them?" Beside me, though they were silent, I felt the determination and resolve of my companions.

` ` `Wreathed in a living storm of marijuana smoke, Chris Hakius replied, "The one you seek is a great and terrible sorceress, a servant of the First whose purpose is to destroy True Metal once and for all and to revive her master, who will then usher in a new age of false metal dominion that will last for all time. You know this woman. She has already tried and failed in her task in your own time, and now she has followed you here to finish her task. She is the poseur sorceress Tipper Gore."

` ` `"Tipper Gore?!" roared Kerry, "That bitch!"

` ` `"You mean that PMRC chick?" asked Joey in shock, "The one that tried to have Congress ban metal? The one married to Al Gore?"

` ` `"That bitch!" roared Kerry.

` ` `"I thought that after her failure she had given up her unworthy cause," said Oscar.

` ` `"That bitch!"

` ` `"And now she's a fucking witch?!" I cried in disbelief, "The fuck is that dumbass shit?!"

` ` `"That fucking bitch!"

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