The Batlord

The Return of the Kings of Metal: Part IV

` ` `"I spy, with my little eye, something that is...yellow."

` ` `"Joey," I responded in resigned exasperation, "If it's fucking sand again, I'm gonna fucking feed you to the fucking sandworms."

` ` `"It's not sand, I swear."

` ` `"...Joey?"

` ` `"Yes?"

` ` `"Is it sand?"

` ` `"...Yes."

` ` `Sigh.

` ` `Having witnessed the horror of the giant sandworm, Kerry, Oscar, Joey, and I fled to the safety of the great outcropping of rock nearby, where we had been waiting...alright, hiding, for the past several hours. Luckily the outcropping was massive; one hundred yards around, and forming a wide, hundred foot tall, mountainous spire of jagged stone in the center that protected us from the sandworms and the blistering heat of the sun...or at least it would in an hour or so when the sun had moved enough to actually allow for some shade. In the meantime, as we all sat against the base of the rock spire in the half-foot of shade it now provided, Joey, who had made a depressingly speedy recovery, was helping me to..."pass the time".

` ` `"Alright, now it's your turn to spy something."

` ` `"...No? Alright, I'll go again. I spy, with my little eye, something that is...red."

` ` `Slap!

` ` `"OOOWWW, FUCK!!!"

` ` `"Is it your sunburn?"

` ` `"Oh, fuck you, dude! And yes."

` ` `"As entertaining as your little 'game' is," interjected Oscar, "Perhaps it is time that we devise a plan to escape this accursed rock. We must find the oracles, and here we will find only slow death."

` ` `"Maybe it's time you go fuck yourself!" spat Kerry, "If you wanna get turned into melange by some demon worm, then be my fucking guest."

` ` `"I thought that you would 'rather die' than run from the sandworms," politely sneered Oscar, "Why the change of heart?"

` ` `Leaping to his feet with a deadly rage, Kerry roared at Oscar, "Are you calling me a fucking coward?! If you were any other man I'd fucking kill you where you sat! I'll fight anything that can be fought! But that thing..." Then with a faraway look toward the desert, he sat down and said no more.

` ` `"Both of you, shut the fuck up!" I bellowed, "Kerry's right. There's no point in going out into that fucking deathtrap if we're just gonna get sucked up by one of those monsters."

` ` `"So, what the fuck do we do?" asked a worried Joey, "Oscar's right. If we stay here it's just a question of whether or not we run out of water before we get heatstroke."

` ` `"We wait for Chris Hakius and Al Cisneros to make themselves known."

` ` `"And how do you know they'll show up?"

` ` `"I have faith in the Light of True Metal."

` ` `"Oh. More faith. Goody."

` ` `Ignoring Joey's disturbing lack of faith, I clasped my hands behind my head against the burning rock, closed my eyes, and waited...for something.

` ` `Mercifully, the shadows around us soon lengthened, and in the shade the godforsaken heat became merely godflipped-off. Eventually, as the sun neared the horizon the temperature even became almost pleasant...before becoming ball-shrivellingly cold once the sun finally set. But we were True Metalheads, Defenders of the Faith till the day we died, and we braved the cold as we had the heat, with contemptuous stoicism.
` ` `After the sun set, and the glimmering blanket of stars settled over the sky, with nothing much better to do Joey decided to go explore the many crags and crevices in the rock formations. As for myself I was laying on my back on the exposed stone staring up at the numberless stars and contemplating Megadeth's newest album when Oscar sat down beside me.

` ` `After several moments he spoke, "I have as much faith in the Light of True Metal as you, my friend, but it is time that we face reality. Our supply of water is quickly running short. Even with rationing it will not last another day, and there is little hope that there is any to be found in the entire desert. We may fall prey to the worms if we leave this rock, but if we do not then it is a certainty that we shall be deadmen by sunset tomorrow."

` ` `I was quiet for almost an entire minute, and Oscar looked like he was about to say more when I responded, "If nothing happens by daybreak, then we leave. There's no point in setting off into the pitch black desert anyway. We'd just end up separated or breaking our necks falling down a sand dune." With a wicked smile I added, "Not to mention you'd probably just use the dark to do the Five-Knuckle Shuffle."

` ` `"What makes you think that I have not already?" he replied with what I assumed in the darkness to be a matching grin.

` ` `"You know, that might not be such a bad idea. I'd hate to die with one stuck in the chamber."

` ` `"You mean to tell me that you haven't managed to locate a disease-ridden harlot or a moonstruck young farm girl to deflower yet? I do believe that you are slipping."

` ` `But before I could mock his self-abuse any further we heard the sound of scrambling and scrabbling over the rocks behind us, followed by a thud and an expletive. "Hey, Joey! What'd we talk about? Either gum or walking. Not both."

` ` `"Shut up, fuckwad!" his voice indignantly replied from somewhere in the inky darkness, "Hey, get your asses over here! I found something!"

` ` `"Joey, this better not be more sand!"

` ` `"It's not sand, god damn it! Just hurry the fuck up"

` ` `Joey led us around the western edge of the outcropping along the broad face of the stone spire. The moon gave off a soft light that was enough to see by, but only just, so the going was slow and careful. After about ten minutes of climbing and stumbling over half-seen rocks we came upon a stream of light that appeared to be shining out of a hole in the sheer, stone wall beside us from about thirty feet away.

` ` `"Joey, what the fuck is that shit?" asked Kerry.

` ` `"Fuck if I know."

` ` `"What?! You mean you brought us all the way out here and you don't know what the fuck that is?!"

` ` `"Do I look bent to you?! I didn't go up to the fucking thing. As soon as I saw that light I booked it and got my happy ass back to you guys."

` ` `"You fucking pussy!"

` ` `"Retard!"

` ` `"Oh my god, why don't you people ever shut the fuck up?! I feel like I'm babysitting autistic chimps!" I interjected holding up my hand for silence, "We searched this whole rock hours ago, so how the fuck didn't we see some kind of opening?"

` ` `"Stranger and stranger," replied Oscar with a shrug.

` ` `"Stop fucking saying that!" I shot back, "We've gotta see what the fuck that is. Joey, go along the outside edge of the outcropping till you've got a clean shot at the opening from a safe distance and then signal us if it's all clear. Oscar, go with Joey and try to get around to the other side of that thing so we can cover it from both sides. Kerry, cover me while I come at the opening from this side."

` ` `Silently, Joey and Oscar set out and swung wide of the hole in the rock face along the edge of the outcropping, staying low and keeping out of sight. The light from the opening kept them visible, but they were still like wraiths as they glided over the barren terrain of the desert night. When they reached a spot opposite the hole they dropped to the ground and paused for a few long moments before Joey signaled the "all clear", after which he knelt and notched an arrow to his bow, waiting, while Oscar continued on and finally became lost in the darkness.
` ` `Drawing Gram I turned to Kerry, who had already drawn his ax and morning star, and nodded. Cautiously we crept up to the opening in the cliff wall, alert to any danger. As we slowly came closer and closer I saw that the light that spilled out of the hole in a long, flickering swath across the ground was the orange and yellow and red of flame. The opening itself appeared to be an empty doorway; rectangular, perfectly cut, and no taller and no wider than was necessary to admit one man at a time. Now close to the opening, Oscar, sword in hand, materialized out of the shadows on the far side, and nodded to me. Positioning ourselves to either side of the doorway I held Gram in both hands, took a deep breath, released it, and cautiously and slowly stepped out in front of the entrance.
` ` `Nothing. The light was coming from a torch set in a bracket in the smooth, stone wall of the short tunnel beyond the doorway. At the end of the tunnel, which was no more than ten yards long, was a staircase cut into the rock. The ceiling sloped down at the stairwell, so it was impossible to tell what was beyond.

` ` `"What in the name of fuck is that?"

` ` `With my concentration in front of me I jumped at the sound of the voice behind me. Annoyed, I turned around to find Joey standing directly behind me. "Well, maybe it's just the grain alcohol talking but it looks to me like a set of fucking stairs," I replied sarcastically.

` ` `"Well duh," he shot back, "But how the fuck did it get there? There's no way we missed that. That shit has gotta be magic."

` ` `"Well duh," I responded, my attention back on the doorway, "So, if there are no objections, we'll go in."

` ` `"If there are no objections?!" screamed Joey, dumbfounded, "Are you on bathsalts?! We don't know where those stairs go! We don't know who put them there! It coulda been that same poseur bitch who turned Danzig into Romero's wet dream!"

` ` `"Quit being a fucking pussy!" said Kerry, "We gotta get off this damn rock somehow."

` ` `"Good idea," retorted Joey, "And if we get lost down there your piss trail'll lead us all the way back out and to the sandworm!"

` ` `With a roar Kerry lunged at Joey who danced out of the way with a raspberry and a middle finger.

` ` `With a sigh I put a restraining arm on Kerry's shoulder and said, "It doesn't matter what's down there. If it's some poseur trap then we're probably still better off than with the sandworms. Besides, I don't think this is the work of poseurs."

` ` `"You believe that we are being led to Chris Hakius and Al Cisneros?" asked Oscar.

` ` `"I do," I responded with conviction, "The Light of True Metal has never failed me and I know that it won't this time either. We have been waiting for sign of the oracles, and this must be it."

` ` `Oscar and Kerry both nodded, but still they gripped their weapons. So did I for that matter.

` ` `"What's with you and all this faith all of a sudden?" asked Joey in annoyance, "I thought you were an atheist."

` ` `"Having faith in an invisible man is one thing," I replied, "Having faith in True Metal is quite another."

` ` `With a resigned sigh Joey relented, "Alright, fine. Let's go get dismembered by poseurs or giant spiders or Bigfoot or whatever."

` ` `Steeling ourselves, we entered the tunnel and started down the steps, myself on point, Oscar as rearguard, Joey just behind me with an arrow notched, followed by Kerry. The stairs were pitch black so I had taken the torch from the doorway in my left hand and Gram in my right. The flickering light revealed only shadows and more steps in the claustrophobic staircase as we descended further and further into the Earth. The walls pressing in on us seemed to be made out of the same dark stone as the outcropping and were as smooth and perfectly cut as the doorway and the tunnel behind us. For ten minutes...twenty minutes...half an hour, we continued our descent, but the staircase showed no signs of ending, no signs of deviating in any way. Yet eventually the cold, stale air began to become warm and even slightly humid. Still it led us down and down. The heat and humidity slowly became more pronounced, until we began to sweat.

` ` `"Well this is awesome," said Joey, voice dripping with sarcasm and perspiration as he flapped his shirt against his chest to keep cool, "I was just thinking about how much I missed sweating my balls off in the desert. Good thing we found this soggy shithole."

` ` `And indeed it had become stifling in the airless staircase, and my sodden Morbid Angel shirt was soon plastered against my godlike chest.

` ` `"Fuck this shit," I exclaimed pulling the shirt over my head and stuffing it through my studded belt. "I'm hot, I need to piss, and I can't smoke a cigarette with these damn things in my hands," I said shaking the sword and the torch, "If those motherfuckers from Om don't show themselves soon I'm gonna introduce a Doc Marten to their colons."

` ` `The others soon followed suit, exposing the manly perfection of their glorious physiques; Joey with his Killers shirt, Kerry with his Venom Black Metal shirt, and Oscar with his Holy Diver shirt. Looking no less stoic and dignified as he wiped the sweat from his brow, Oscar added with only the slightest hint of discomfort, "This terrible heat is certainly strange. I have never been this deep underground, but I imagine that even if we were near a magma flow it would produce only a dry heat. This humidity seems...unnatural."

` ` `After several more minutes of our descent, a breeze began to drift up from the seemingly bottomless steps below us. But if anything, this breeze was even more sweltering than the air around us. With this breeze came the scent of fresh vegetation, but also of corruption and decay.

` ` `"Do you smell that shit?" rumbled Kerry, "If I didn't fucking know any better, I'd say there was a jungle at the end of that staircase."

` ` `With a look of scorn Joey asked him, "Do you think about what you say before you say it, or do you just treat your mouth like a second shithole?"

` ` `"Fuck you, you cunt!" roared back Kerry, "I just said it smelled like a jungle! I didn't say it was a fucking jungle, you Vince Neil-sounding son of a bitch!"

` ` `"Hey, At least my last album wasn't World Painted Blood!" countered Joey, "I'm surprised you didn't get fined for leaving that dog turd lying around!"

` ` `"Hey! John Bush called! He wants his band back!" retaliated Kerry.

` ` `"Oh my god!" I yelled, "Would you two women quit hissing at each other?! I'm trying to go down some stairs here!"

` ` `"My friends?" interjected Oscar.

` ` `"What?!" the rest of us shouted.

` ` `"I believe that there may be a light at the end of the tunnel," he stated, pointing down the staircase.

` ` `Looking down we all saw that there was indeed a glimmer of light, a pinpoint really, weakly shining from what was hopefully the bottom of the staircase.

` ` `"See what you did, Kerry?" exclaimed Joey, "You're always distracting everybody with your bullshit."

` ` `"What?!"

` ` `"SHUT UP!!!"

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