The Batlord

The Return of the Kings of Metal: Part III

` ` `The Desert of Nephren-Ka was sandy. The Desert of Nephren-ka was hot. The Desert of Nephren-Ka sucked fucking balls. Whichever god had invented not-sucking-balls apparently didn't have much interest in the Desert of Nephren-Ka. I couldn't blame them. Now don't get me wrong, Nephren-Ka actually has quite a lot to offer the discerning traveler: mile upon mile of trackless desert punctuated only by the odd stony outcropping and a complete lack of vegetation, a sun intent on sexually violating you with an oppressive inferno quaintly described as "heat", and for company there is always at least a handful of vultures circling overhead and plotting your death.
` ` `After rescuing the troll Ort from the murderous intent of his verbally abusive fellow troll Gork and then beating him senseless when he tried to eat us, Oscar Dronjak, Joey Belladonna, Kerry King, and I, your illustrious host, had continued on down the road leading to the desert. Unless there is a thriving market in dust and aridity that I am unaware of, why anyone would build a road out to this shitturd beats the everloving fuck outta me. And why the fuck is there a desert in Germany?! Or Poland, or where ever the fuck this is? In any case, after a week or so of traveling on foot we finally entered the desert where we could now begin our search for the oracles Chris Hakius and Al Cisneros of Om to ask them the source of the poseur threat assailing the kingdom.

` ` `"So how are we supposed to find these douchebags anyway?" asked Joey as we trudged through the choking sand and dust of Nephren-ka on the crest of a wide, mountainous, windswept sand dune under the blinding glare of the midday sun.

` ` `"I don't know," I replied.

` ` `"What do you mean you don't know?"

` ` `"I mean I don't know."

` ` `"...You...you mean you dragged us all the way out to the fucking desert and you don't even know how to find them?"

` ` `"Nope."

` ` `"THEN WHERE THE FUCK ARE WE GOING?!"

` ` `"Don't know."

` ` `"WHA...BUT...GUH............HAVE I BEEN TAKING CRAZY PILLS OR SOMETHING?!"

` ` `"Calm down, my friend," soothed Oscar, "It is said that if you wish to find the oracles then you must travel to the heart of the desert, and if found worthy, they shall find you."

` ` `"And if they don't find us worthy?"

` ` `"We are True Metalheads of the Highest Caliber," I replied, "Of course they'll find us worthy."

` ` `"But if they don't?"

` ` `"Then we're fucked."

` ` `"Great. Our lives depend on the judgement of a couple of stoners."

` ` `Taking the latest in a long series of swigs from a large canteen of Jägermeister, Kerry snorted in intoxicated contempt, "What the fuck did you expect? Did you think our 'glorious leader' actually knows what the fuck he's doing?"

` ` `Stopping dead in my tracks, I spun around and fixed my eyes on Kerry. "What the fuck did you just say?" I demanded.

` ` `"You heard me, you fucking poseur!"

` ` `Oscar put his hand on Kerry's shoulder in a calming gesture, "Kerry my friend, you've over-indulged. You know not what you say."

` ` `Shaking him off Kerry bellowed, "Fuck off, dick beater! I know exactly what the fuck I'm saying to that Limp Bizkit-loving poseur motherfucker!" Turning to me he growled, "You've been acting like a pussy ever since we left on this god damn quest! You pussed out with those trolls! You pussed out not once, not twice, but three fucking times in Danzig! You even ran from some fucking farmer! We should be with our brothers fighting poseurs, but instead we're chasing our own dicks on this bullshit mission, and now we get to die of heatstroke in the middle of some Dio-forsaken desert! Fuck you and fuck your poseur bullshit!" Kerry was quivering with barely restrained rage by the time he was finished.

` ` `Oscar and Joey only stood by and watched, eyes wide as they waited to see what would happen.

` ` `Expressionless, my voice the whisper of steel, I lightly grasped Gram's hilt, "Call me a poseur one more time, and it'll be you raining blood."

` ` `Without hesitation Kerry ripped his ax and morning star from his belt and roared, "What the fuck are we waiting for then?!"

` ` `But just then Oscar jumped in between us as we squared off, staring each other down, "Stop this! The only ones who profit from this are the poseurs!"

` ` `With a snarl Kerry pointed his mace at Oscar, "Move! I'm gonna fucking pound that pussy!"

` ` `"Get out of our way, Oscar." I growled, "This is between me and fuck-for-brains. If he wants to die then let him."

` ` `"Uh...guys?"

` ` `"SHUT UP, JOEY!!!"

` ` `"Uh...I would, but we might just have a situation," and he pointed to a spot in the distance where there appeared to be a cloud of sand moving swiftly toward us.

` ` `"Cloud" is misleading. Rather than a swirling mass of sand, it was a churning wave at least twice as high and three times as wide as the height of a full grown man, that looked like it was being thrown up by something being propelled at a speed far too high to be any cloud.

` ` `And it was coming straight toward us.

` ` `"Dudes," said a worried Joey, "What the fuck is that?"

` ` `"That..." replied Oscar in wonder, "Is a sandworm, I believe. I had thought that they existed only in legends."

` ` `"Good legends or bad legends?"

` ` `"Are there any good legends?"

` ` `"No, I suppose not. So, I'm guessing that thing's gonna eat us?"

` ` `"So it would seem."

` ` `Our feud momentarily forgotten, Kerry and I watched the rapidly approaching plume of sand now accelerating up the dune with anticipation and trepidation, respectively. "Just how dangerous is that fucking thing?" I asked Oscar, never taking my eyes from the sandworm that was becoming less and less distant with every passing second.

` ` `"Considering the lack of verifiable reports of such creatures, I would imagine that they are quite dangerous. The only tales that exist claim that the only defense is to not be standing on sand."

` ` `"Well isn't that the most fucking useful thing I've ever heard?!" quipped Joey, "I mean it's not like we're standing in the middle of a fucking desert or anything!"

` ` `"The rocks!" I declared, pointing at a large outcropping about three times the size of a football field in the distance, "If we run, we might be able to make them!"

` ` `"Running again?!" Kerry cried in outrage, "I'm sick of this fucking poseur shit!"

` ` `"Shut the fuck up! We don't have time for this bullshit! Now move!"

` ` `Kerry's eyes were death, but he moved. We all ran like the wind along the ridge of the dune for those rocks. But no matter how swiftly we raced, the sandworm closed the distance at an alarming rate. Soon the surging wall of sand was almost upon us and the very earth beneath our feet began to tremble as it barreled down on us.

` ` `It was making straight for Joey.

` ` `"Faster, faster, must go fucking faster!" screamed Joey in near panic, "Fuck you, you fucking sandworm son of a bitch!"

` ` `No sooner had Joey spoken than the earth exploded, and something hidden in the cloud of sand and dust catapulted through the air toward him. What we glimpsed through the sand was a horror, larger than a bus and easily wide enough to fully engulf a man whole.

` ` `Miraculously, the creature overshot its mark, but it still rocked Joey with a glancing blow, hurling him through the air to crash into the sand in a boneless heap. Instead of smashing into the ground, the sandworm dove into the earth upon impact and began again to burrow through the dirt, making a wide arc around us to come around for another pass.

` ` `"JOEY!!!" we all cried in horror.

` ` `Upon reaching his motionless body Oscar bent down to examine him. "He is alive!" he exclaimed in relief, "Only unconscious. But we must move him quickly!"

` ` `"Kerry!" I shouted, turning to him, "Put him over your shoulders! Hurry up, that thing's coming back around!"

` ` `"Fuck that!" he roared in a rage, "No more running like pussies! I'm gonna kill that motherfucker while you've got your tail touching your cock!"

` ` `"God damn it, you retard! We don't have time for this bullshit!" But Kerry had turned his back on us to face the approaching sandworm with his feet planted in the sand and his ax held at the ready. "Fuck!" I cried in frustration, "Oscar, take Joey! I'll deal with this asshole!"

` ` `"Are you sure that is wise?" asked Oscar while lifting Joey onto his back.

` ` `"Shut the fuck up! Move! Now!"

` ` `He nodded and set off toward the outcropping at top speed. With one problem out of the way, I turned back to Kerry. "What are you, fucking moron? That thing's gonna swallow you whole and shit out what remains of your bones!"

` ` `"So be it," he replied, now strangely calm, "I'm not running anymore. I'd rather fucking die."

` ` `We still had time before the sandworm reached us, but it was quickly running out.

` ` `"You used to be the best," he continued, "You fought a dragon just for the fuck of it. You went to Wacken, believing you were gonna die, without giving a shit. And now look at you. A fucking pussy."

` ` `"I'm still the best. I've just got more important things to do now than just do whatever the hell I want. So do you."

` ` `But Kerry said nothing.

` ` `With a sigh I told him, "If you wanna die so bad, then fucking do it." Resigned, I stepped aside with only moments to spare before the worm attacked.

` ` `And then it was on him.

` ` `With horrified fascination I watched as the ground again erupted, and again the abomination hurled itself through the air with a faceless, gaping maw that held row upon row of massive teeth. From inside of its body came a wave of foul air that smell of corruption and even worse, unknowable filth that almost overwhelmed me.

` ` `At the last possible second, Kerry turned aside with the speed of a panther and brought up his ax to strike a blow to the worm's flank. But he still hadn't moved quickly enough, and its bulk slammed into him, throwing him violently to the ground with a bone-shattering impact. The shuddering of the earth created by the impact of the sandworm's body striking the ground almost brought me to my knees, but I managed to remain standing as it again burrowed into the ground to make yet another assault.

` ` `Rushing to Kerry's inert from lying face down in the sand, I knelt down and turned him over onto his back. His eyes fluttered open and he gave a painful groan. "If I get out of this alive, I'm gonna get a fucking gun and I'm gonna shoot every fucking earthworm I ever fucking see until the day I die."

` ` `"That's what you get, you fucking dumbass!" I replied in relief.

` ` `"Oh, we're butt buddies again? Fuck off. Shouldn't you be on that rock cleaning the shit out of your pants?" he growled in contempt. "Get the fuck away from me. If I'm gonna die like a True Metalhead then I don't want any fucking poseurs in my presence."

` ` `Coming to a decision, I took a deep breath and then let it out. Then I stood up and looked down at Kerry with a mocking smirk, "Die like a True Metalhead? All I saw was you getting your ass handed to you by Earthworm Jim over there. Why don't you lay there and do your best Christopher Reeve impression and let a real metalhead show you how it's done. You fucking pussy."

` ` `Kerry gave a pained laugh and winced, saying with wry humor, "I'm gonna laugh when that thing eats your bitch ass and shits out melange."

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