The Batlord

The Return of the Kings of Metal: Part II continued...

` ` `Continuing our stealthy approach, we finally reached the mouth of the cave and peered inside: some very crude chairs and a table, bones littering the floor, a staggeringly rancid smell of...I don't wanna know, but most alarming of all were the two gigantic trolls sitting in the chairs in front of a huge fire where they were slowly turning something on a spit high in the air.
` ` `From the impressive string of expletives, I was guessing that that that something was "Kerry motherfucking King". He was drowned out when he was turned down toward the flames, but otherwise the invective was continuous...

` ` `"............you pussy-motherfucking cunts! My grandmother has a bigger cock than............probably be too busy fucking each other to even eat............uh, you're fucking stupid............"

` ` `Rather than being offended, the two trolls seemed rather bored. One of them yawned as the other used a brush to baste Kerry in a marinade of what looked like honey and snot, and Kerry's next profane tirade was lost as he spluttered and retched. Then the yawning troll turned to the other and complained in a restless voice, "When he done, Gork? Me hungry."

` ` `"It ready when ready."

` ` `"How long?"

` ` `"Me don't know."

` ` `"It ready yet?"

` ` `"Shut up, Ort."

` ` `I figured it was about time we did something about this rather fucked situation, so I turned to Oscar and Joey, "Alright, I have experience with trolls, so just let me do all the talking."

` ` `"What do you mean 'let you do all the talking'? You....you're gonna talk to the trolls?!" asked Joey, stupefied.

` ` `"What'd I just say, dumbfuck? Yes, I'm gonna talk to the trolls. Both of you don't say anything. Just stand there and look tough."

` ` `With a concerned look, Oscar asked, "Are you sure that is wise? Shouldn't we devise a plan to ambush them? Even three True Metalheads of the Highest Caliber such as ourselves would be hard-pressed to take on two fully grown trolls head-on."

` ` `"Fuck that. I'm too fucking lazy to come up with some boring plan. Besides, if I can't outsmart two trolls just by wingin' it, then they deserve to eat us."

` ` `Before either of them could object, I stepped into the cave and called out, "Hey! Troll dudes! Watcha doin'?!"

` ` `Both trolls jumped up in surprise and turned to me with incredulous looks on their ugly faces. "Who you?!" demanded one of them, Ort I believe.

` ` `"Shut up, Ort," responded Gork, "You stupid. I talk to human." Turning back to me, he demanded, "Who you?!"

` ` `"Me? I'm just a True Metalhead on a bitchin' quest."

` ` `"Hey!" screamed Kerry, "Get me the fuck outta here!"

` ` `"I got this! You just keep up with the profanity!"

` ` `"You know him, meathead?" asked Gork.

` ` `"Yeah, actually. He's sorta my friend. That's why I'm here. I was wondering if, as a personal favor to me, you could just let him go?"

` ` `With baffled, cretinous looks, the trolls glanced at each other for a moment before bursting into hysterical laughter.

` ` `"You funny, meathead! We kill you before we eat you. Ort, get club. We kill him."

` ` `"I guess you're not as dumb as you look, troll dudes."

` ` `"What you say?! Gork smartest troll in world! Gork squash you like bug!"

` ` `"I see how smart you are. Obviously you know you can't beat me in a test of wits, so you kill me before I can outsmart you. That's smart, dude."

` ` `"You not smarter than Gork! What this 'test of sits'? Gork show you! Gork sit better than anyone!"

` ` `"Uh...that's 'test of wits'. And you should just kill me now before I embarrass you."

` ` `"YOU NOT EMBARRASS GORK! WE DO TEST OF WITS! ME EMBARRASS YOU! THEN GORK SQUASH YOU!"

` ` `"Alright, dude, chill out. You ever heard of tic-tac-toe?"

` ` `"Uh...no."

` ` `"Well, it's kind of complicated, and I don't know if a troll'll be able to just pick it up."

` ` `"You shut up and tell Gork how do 'tic-tac-toe'!"

` ` `"Well, alright then. First, I'm gonna need a stick."

` ` `I then pulled a large piece of wood out of a pile next to the first while the trolls watched me suspiciously. Using the stick, I drew a large tic-tac-toe board in the dirt between Gork and myself.

` ` `"Alright, so just to show you how to play, I'll go first. Okay?"

` ` `"Uh...okay."

` ` `"Okay. So, first I draw an 'X' right in the middle square."

` ` `"Uh huh."

` ` `"Then you put an 'O' right above my 'X'."

` ` `"Alright."

` ` `"Then I put another 'X' to the right of your 'O'."

` ` `"Um...yeah, okay."

` ` `"And now you have to put an 'O' right under that 'X'."

` ` `"Got it."

` ` `"And then I put an 'X' right here. I win."

` ` `"What?! You not win!"

` ` `"Yeah, see where I got those three 'X's all lined up? That means I win."

` ` `"Uh...YOU TRICK GORK!"

` ` `"Hey, I won fair and square, so don't be such a sore loser. That shit's not cool."

` ` `"We play again! Me win this time!"

` ` `"Well, if you insist."

` ` `"Hey, me want turn!"

` ` `"Shut up, Ort! You too stupid!"

` ` `"You already had your turn, Gork, and I beat you. It's Ort's turn now."

` ` `"Fine! First Ort lose, then we eat meathead. Hurry up and lose, stupid."

` ` `"Me not stupid, me win!"

` ` `"Alright, since you're the challenger you get to go first, Ort. First, you put an 'X' right there in the middle."

` ` `"Okay."

` ` `"Then I put an 'O' right on top of your 'X'."

` ` `"Uh huh."

` ` `"Then you put an 'X' right next to my 'O'."

` ` `"Sure."

` ` `"And I put an 'O' right under your 'X'."

` ` `"Alright."

` ` `"And then you put your 'X', no not there, right there. You got it. Oh, man, you just won!"

` ` `"What?! Me win?!"

` ` `"What?! He win?!"

` ` `"Me smarter than Gork!"

` ` `"Shut up, Ort! You know you stupid!"

` ` `"As least me not as stupid as you!"

` ` `"What?! Me kill you!"

` ` `"Me kill you first!"

` ` `In the ensuing chaos, Oscar, Joey, and I rescued Kerry from the spit and certain tastiness. As we were strolling out of the cave to the sound of much crashing, banging, and cursing, Joey slapped me on the back, "Dude, I gotta say, that was the damnedest thing I have ever seen in my life."

` ` `"The fucking pussiest shit you've ever seen in your life, you mean," growled Kerry in contempt, "What the fuck am I supposed to say in the mead hall? 'My brothers in arms, the Truest Metalheads that ever lived, saved my life playing tic-tac-toe with a couple of trolls'? Fuck that shit!"

` ` `"The mind can be sharper than any blade, my friend," retorted Oscar.

` ` `"Whatever."

` ` `"And having Ort win in the end was cool," said Joey, "That Gork dude was a tampon."

` ` `"Yeah, Ort kinda needed a win there," I replied.

` ` `"But what if Gork kills Ort?"

` ` `"What do you mean?"

` ` `"Well, it'd be kind of fucked up if after all of that, Gork killed Ort."

` ` `"Dude, he's a troll."

` ` `"I know, but now I'm kind of emotionally invested in Ort. You know what I mean, right?"

` ` `"Maybe. What do you want us to do? Go save Ort?"

` ` `"Why not?"

` ` `"Why not?! Cause he's a fucking-ah, hell with it. Let's go help him."

` ` `"Wait," interjected Kerry, "We're gonna go save the fucker that was just trying to eat me?"

` ` `"Yes."

` ` `"The mead hall never hears of this."

` ` `"Agreed."

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