The Batlord

The Return of the Kings of Metal: Part I

` ` `When I last left you the forces of True Metal had triumphed over the poseur army of Metallica. The land of the True Metalheads was now flourishing and a new era of peace and bitchin' riffs had been ushered in. Kick ass!
` ` `But a shadow had again descended over the kingdom. A new poseur army had invaded from the North and was ravaging the countryside. King Johan Hegg and General Joey DeMaio had ridden with all of their strength to meet this new threat, but were now hard beset by the hordes of poseurdom.
` ` `No one knew from whence the poseurs had come or who led them so I had been sent to find the oracles Chris Hakius and Al Cisneros of Om in the Desert of Nephren-Ka beyond the eastern borders of the kingdom. With me was a fellowship of the only True Metalheads who could be spared: Oscar Dronjak of Hammerfall who had slain Kirk Hammett at the Battle of Wacken, Kerry King of Slayer, and Joey Belladonna of Anthrax. True Metalheads all. We had ridden a full day and now sought the town of Danzig for rest, ale, and prostitutes before continuing on our quest.
` ` `I rode in front on my horse Grani who was descended from Sleipnir, the eight-legged steed of Odin, with the sword Gram by my side which had been given by Odin to the hero Sigmund before being shattered and then reforged by Varg Vikerness. But I'm sure you queers already know about all of that. Beside me rode Oscar with Kerry and Joe trailing behind us. Anyone who saw us would assuredly have been blinded by the brilliance of the Light of True Metal that shone from such a splended company.

` ` `Riding at a canter over the grassy plain I turned to Oscar with a wide grin, "Dude, I hear Danzig has a righteous fucking brothel! I'm gonna see if I can't leave some of those bitches bow-legged!"

` ` `Oscar gave me a reproachful look, "Brynhild, your lady wife, is a beautiful and honorable woman, who shines with the Light of True Metal. If I had one such as her I would not lay with such...loose women."

` ` `"Yeah, she's pretty awesome and she's a fucking demon in the sack, but that bitch is crazy! I still don't know what happened to that serving wench who kept smiling at me in Johan's hall. All I know is that the next day Bryn made me some sausage that did not taste like sausage. A dude nees to put his dick in something that's not gonna cut it off every now and then."

` ` `"Me thinks that the threat of incurring your lady's wrath is what makes straying from your vows such sport for you, my friend," said Oscar with a knowing smile.

` ` `"Well, you know what they say: the only thing better than angry sex is angry Valkyrie sex."

` ` `"Who says this?" he asked dubiously.

` ` `"I do."

` ` `Then from behind us came the plaintive voice of Joey Belladonna, "Are we there yet?"

` ` `"No."

` ` `"How much longer?"

` ` `"I don't know."

` ` `"My ass hurts."

` ` `"Shut up, Joey."

` ` `"Dude, you don't have to be an asshole. We've been riding all day and I'm hungry, I'm tired, and all this up and down i making my balls hurt."

` ` `"We'll fucking get there when the fuck we get there! Now shut the fuck up before I beat you to death with your own shoes!"

` ` `Joey sullenly hunched in his saddle, grumbling to himself, "Douchebag..." mumble, mumble, "...tell me to shut up..." mumble, mumble, "...put dog shit in your shoes..."

` ` `"Joey's fucking right!" declared Kerry, "I ran out of Jäger an hour ago and I need a fucking drink. There better be an inn with a half decent mug of ale or some motherfucker is gettin' thrown through a window."

` ` `"Kerry, my friend," responded Oscar with a laugh, "You have been swaying in the saddle all day. I do not think that you need any more drink."

` ` `"Fuck that shit!" roared Kerry, pounding his fist against his chest, "I am Kerry motherfucking King! I could drink Thor himself under the table and still get it up to fuck your mother!"

` ` `Looking over my shoulder I called back, "That sounds like a fucking challenge! When we get to Danzig we're gonna drink every drop of ale in that town and then I'm gonna bang two whores for every one you fuck!"

` ` `"And then bed!"

` ` `"Shut up, Joey!"

` ` `With the sun hovering over the horizon before us and less than an hour till sunset we crested a ridge and finally saw the town of Danzig spread out before us. It was a large settlement that looked much like any medieval town: low plaster houses sprawled out in no particular pattern that lay on either side of a wide, swiftly-flowing river and linked by a wide, stone bridge. It looked almost like a fucking post card.
` ` `Strangely though, the sky was beginning to darken and yet there were no lights in any of the windows. It was also a rather brisk evening, but I couldn't see any smoke coming from any of the chimneys. Riding at a brisk walk we cautiously approached the wooden town gates which were gaping wide open. There didn't appear to be any guards. A sense of foreboding descended on the company.

` ` `Bringing his hand to his nose Joe asked in disgust, "Holy shit, what the fuck is that smell?"

` ` `"That is the smell of death," replied Oscar with calm stoicism, though he had the tense look of one bracing himself for the inevitable.

` ` `No one else spoke as we passed through the gates.

` ` `The entire town had been massacred. Street after street was piled high with the dead. Men, women, and children had all been butchered without mercy, and many had been hacked to pieces and mutilated to the point that arms, legs, and viscera lay strewn about in a fetid carpet of gore. The only things that moved were the vast, black clouds of flies.
` ` `My eyes were drawn to a boy, no older than six, laying face down in the blood-soaked mud, with his arms and legs drawn up under him. In his arms he cradled a homemade, stuffed bear as if to protect it from the sword that had cleaved the boy's skull down the middle.
` ` `Behind me I heard someone be violently sick. It must have been Joey. Kerry's disgust would only fuel his rage. Oscar would be in control of himself, but his sense of honor would be screaming for vengeance.
` ` `In stunned disbelief Oscar surveyed the exhibition of atrocities all around us. "This...there are no words to describe such horror. I had thought that such cruelty was beyond even poseurs."

` ` `"I saw the aftermath of a poseur raid in the last war," I responded, "And it looked nothing like this. The townspeople didn't seem to have had time to mount any kind of defense. They didn't even close the gates. It's like whoever did this just appeared out of nowhere. And the town and the fields haven't been burned. The women haven't been violated. I don't even see any signs of looting. This wasn't any fucking raid."

` ` `Nervously peering at all of the surrounding buildings, Joey tentatively asked, "Dudes...do you...do you think it might have been...ghosts?"

` ` `We all turned around to stare at him, but this time nobody told him to shut up.

` ` `Hefting his morning star, Kerry declared, "It was fucking poseurs. Who the fuck else would it be? All I know is that if I see any of you motherfuckers I'm gonna smash your fucking skulls in!" This last was bellowed at the top of his lungs as if in challenge to any poseurs lurking in the immediate vicinity.

` ` `I nodded in agreement, "Let's go hunt some fucking poseurs."

` ` `Setting out to the center of town we were forced to painstakingly pick our way through the carnage that filled the streets, but no matter how carefully our horses stepped, from under their hooves came the sounds of splashing blood, squishing innards, and snapping bone. In the eerie silence that blanketed the town of Danzig, every sound was magnified and echoed obscenely off of the buildings. This would have unmanned lesser men, but we were True Metalheads of the Highest Caliber and did not feel fear the way that other men did.
` ` `When we reached the center of town we found a large, cobbled stone square. Strangely enough there were no bodies. There was only a flat, black, rectangular monolith twice the height of a man standing up straight in the center of the square. At it's foot was a man lying on the ground.
` ` `Dismounting we drew our weapons, Oscar with his broadsword, Kerry with his morning star in one hand and a battleaxe in the other, Joey with his bow, and myself with Gram, and moved towards the mysterious structure, keeping our eyes on the buildings around us. When we reached the man, we discovered that though he was battered and bruised, he was still alive.
` ` `He opened his eyes when I put my arm around his shoulders to prop him up. With a look of sheer terror he weakly struggled against me, "No! No! Get away from me!"

` ` `"Calm down, dude!" I said, gently shaking him, "We're True Metalheads. You're safe now. Tell us what happened here."

` ` `He ceased struggling but looked no less terrified, "They killed everyone! They're all dead! My wife! My children! Right before my eyes! There was nothing I could do!"

` ` `"Who killed everyone? Poseurs?"

` ` `"Yes! It was horrible! They just appeared out of nowhere. They...they were all the same. They all looked the same! The same emo haircuts. The same face. And their eyes...dead eyes. Like the pits of hell they were. And they never said a word. Never showed any emotion. They...they couldn't have been human."

` ` `"You said that they killed everyone. How are you still alive?"

` ` `He had a faraway expression as he said, "After they...they...they did...then they dragged me here to the square. They brought me before an evil woman in black. She laughed at me and told me that you would come and to tell you what had happened here. Then...she must have cast a spell. She spoke words in a strange, hideous language and that...thing rose from the ground. I blacked out after that until you found me."

` ` `"It's over now. I don't know what the fuck is going on, but I promise you that my companions and I are gonna get to the bottom of this shit and then poseur heads will roll! What's your name? Can you stand?"

` ` `He nodded and told me that his name was Heinrich and with my help got to his feet. He was unsteady, but managed to stand on his own. Now I turned to the strange monolith.
` ` `It was pitch black and perfectly smooth and didn't seem to be made out of any material that I had ever seen. There didn't appear to be any markings on it's surface, but it was hard to tell since it reflected no sunlight. It looked for all the world like a giant shadow had sprouted from the Earth. Ominous would be a fucking understatement.
` ` `Cautiously Joey stepped up to it and rapped a knuckle against its broad, flat face. It made no noise whatsoever, as if it had absorbed the sound as well as the light. Gingerly taking a step backward he exclaimed, "Well fuck me that is creepy."

` ` `"It certainly does give off a rather menacing aura," responded Oscar with his hand to his chin in a thoughtful expression, "This day only becomes stranger and stranger by the minute."

` ` `Looking at my companions in bafflement I asked them, "So...does anyone have any idea what the fuck this thing does?"

` ` `"Who gives a shit?" growled Kerry as he stalked toward the monolith with his morning star at the ready, "It's not gonna do anything when it's a pile of fucking rubble!"

` ` `"NO, WAIT!" we all shouted as one, but it was too late.

` ` `Rearing back with his mace held high in the air, he gave a roar and struck the bizarre edifice with a blow that would have shattered a man's skull all the way down to his neck.

` ` `But Kerry's weapon didn't so much as scratch it, and his mace rebounded, sending him stumbling to the ground with a curse.

` ` `"Smooth move, Ex-Lax."

` ` `"Shut the fuck up, Joey!"

` ` `During our stay in the town the sun had started to dip below the horizon and now it finally set completely, plunging the world into darkness. When the last rays of the sun withdrew their touch from the monolith it began to glow with a pale, sickly, green light.

` ` `"Well that's not good," stated Joey.

` ` `As we watched it continue to glow, I became aware of strange whispers that seemed to be coming from inside my head. They began to grow louder and louder with each passing second. Eventually they became loud enough that I could understand the hideous, inhuman voices that were chanting over and over again...

` ` `"Su nioj, su nioj, su nioj, su nioj, su nioj, su nioj, su nioj, su nioj, su nioj, su nioj, su nioj, su nioj, su nioj, su nioj..."

` ` `"Oh that is double-plus ungood."

` ` `And then the chanting stopped.

` ` `The voices continued however, and grew louder still, but now they were an incomprehensible din, and they were no longer coming from inside my head. They were coming from all around me.




` ` `The demonic whisperings in my head had hypnotized me, but now I became aware of my surroundings again. The townspeople who had laid so thoroughly dead in the streets only minutes before were now shambling toward us in a great, unorganized mass. The vile stench that had already hung over the town had now become a choking miasma that threatened to gag me as the things slowly stalked towards us, arms outstretched, mouths hanging open with wordless moans of hunger. Those without arms didn't seem to mind. Those without legs crawled toward us with single-minded determination. Their eyes were empty and seemed the only things truly dead about them.

` ` `One of the things, what had been a woman, had been gutted, and now "her" entrails dragged behind her like some obscene bridal veil. Her feet became entangled in her intestines and she came crashing to the ground, her head slamming into the ground with a sickening crack, shattering her nose and all of her front teeth. Unperturbed, with her face a bloody horror, she began to crawl.

` ` `"Fucking zombies?! Are you fucking kidding me?!" I cried in stunned revulsion.

` ` `"Stranger and stranger, eh, my friend?" replied Oscar.

` ` `"No shit. Joey!"

` ` `"What?! I didn't even say anything!"

` ` `"No, you idiot! Fucking shoot them!"

` ` `"Oh. Right."

` ` `Joey notched an arrow and aimed at the remains of a woman who would have been beautiful if not for the multiple, gaping stab wounds to her chest and the slashed and tattered dress that exposed one large breast that had almost been severed and now threatened to fall off completely with every step she took. But as he was about to release, screaming in rage, Heinrich threw himself upon Joey, and they went down in a flail of limbs and curses.

. ."NO!" shrieked Heinrich, "That's my wife! I won't let you kill her again! You hear me?! I WON'T!"

` ` `Madness had taken him and he clawed for Joey's throat who was desperately struggling to push the frenzied man off of him. I seized Heinrich by the arm and dragged him off of Joey, putting my other arm around his neck to stop his thrashing, "Calm the fuck down! That moron's on our side!"

` ` `"Hey!"

` ` `But Heinrich only increased his frantic struggling. I cried out in pain and surprise as he sank his teeth into my arm, and he finally broke free and made a mad dash for the approaching zombie hoard.

` ` `"Get the fuck back here, you crazy motherfucker!"

` ` `But he was deaf to my pleas and scrambled towards his "wife". Throwing his arms around her he laid his head down on her shoulder and wept, "Helga! Helga! I'm so sorry! I was too weak to save you! Please forgive me!"

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