Sansa Stark

My exfiancee is a psychotic abuser, I didn't realise it till a few months ago. Any relationship after him, felt like I was trying to get a man who could fill his shoes. Every time I'd start to feel like there was a hole in my relationships, I'd bring up the memory of him and think I was still in love with him. Until I started to realise that I ended up doing a **** ton of opiates to pretend I was still in love with him towards the end of our relationship. It still coloured every relationship I've had since, especially since he told me that if he wanted me he'd one day have me no matter what. This terrified me so I've been hyper paranoid about men in general, and especially on here (he stalked me to here...) but for some reason I wanted to keep him in my life, I think part of me still blamed myself for things that happened and that's total ****ing bollocks. After the bender I had about a month ago, I realised that I needed to tell him that he ****ed me up and I know he's the abusive loser who has nothing to give but self loathing, because otherwise my progress would be hindered by my fear that he would come back (all my exes do eventually try to get back into my life, no exceptions..). So I messaged him on fb and told him that and many other things and told him basically I'd gut him if he came anywhere near me, then I deleted him from my friends and blocked him. He's terrifying to me, I was having legitimate panic attacks over thinking that he'd come back and find me, because he told me that I basically had no choice in anything if I married him, I wouldn't be allowed out of the house w/o escort, I wasn't allowed to have a job, he'd have total control over our children and basically he demanded that we only have boys because I'd "pass on my mental illness". He also loved to denigrate my talents, especially writing because he always wanted to be a writer (but he's TERRIBLE) and he used to enjoy telling me that I "wasn't really a writer, I just shit pretty words" (which cracks me the **** up) and whenever I'd talk about my own ambitions, he liked to cut me down and say I didn't have the discipline. He eventually tried to get me to hate myself just like he does and I broke and just couldn't do it anymore. I was too afraid of him though to really break it off so I just pushed him into it

But I've still had my doubts on who was wrong in the relationship, it's taken me a while to realise it wasn't me. I think the last guy I dated was basically me trying to do my penance for the things I did to Brendan, but I held my ex to the standard of being Brendan (who I thought was perfect) and I hated him eventually. Now, I have to heal up the old wounds Brendan left because if I don't, I'll never be able to have another relationship and especially never a healthy one because I'll be too scared that the other person just wants to control me or thinks my goodness will rub off on them....basically he thought I had no existence outside of his own context.

Ugh. It's going to be rough, but it's pain that needs to be dealt with.