Slj, below are my favorites lines from your most recent posts.
I added a few comments as well as changes I recommend (and of course I recommend you avoid putting incredibly dirty substances into your body, because I feel ultimately they'll only make life's troubles more troubling).
I like that these two untitled poems/lyrics are short with punch. Self-destruction *is* a funny thing, so I was curious to hear your take on it.
I recommend you omit a few lines from the first Untitled poem that I feel tip it over too much toward melodramatic (such as "Oh God, Oh God why").
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sljslj
A few new ones for y'all. I've unfortunately been putting some incredibly dirty substances into my body as of late, so these deal with drugs, addiction, and the accompanying storm. This is something I've written about before, but I feel that, for the most part, these are significantly different from my previous works.
________________________
UNTITLED
Self-destruction
Is a funny thing
Like the Sun refusing to rise
An old star refusing to fall
Denial of nature (yes, a living being killing itself *does* seem counter-intuitive and yet is part of nature)
In exchange for nothing at all (Good line! And nice rhyming with "fall")
Inclination
To watch an empty sky
Searching for the meaning of life
Or a reason why we die
Oh God
Oh God, why? (Omit? I know it rhymes with sky/die and expresses the strength of desperation, so I see why you have included it.)
We've made our bed
And always knew we'd lie in it (yes, knowing death looms ahead is...not fun.)
But not like this
Already dead
Long before we lay down our head <-- Nice stanza about living as if dead when one slowly kills oneself with drugs, smoking, etc.
Go to sleep (Omit?)
________________________
UNTITLED
People say they want the truth
But they couldn't understand 'em
Explanations of pain and tantrums
They've never seen my phantoms <-- I like this line best. It's so true that one person can never fully see what haunts another.
Nor ODed on ectoplasm
Just hand me that cheap rum
I'll wait...for the worst...to come
Let's analyze the human condition
The end of life and the transition
Let's analyze all of our conditions
Over a bump and a few beers (what's a bump?)
Let's over-analyze all our fears
Every single one
'Till we come undone
Isn't this fun?
Isn't this fun?
|
I like the sad and sarcastic "Isn't this fun? Isn't this fun?"
I also especially like your descriptive lines about over-analzying the human condition, the end of life, and our fears 'til we come undone.
Been there, done that, do that!
(Tiny spelling correction: until = 'til = till but not 'till )