Quote:
Originally Posted by stp
Is it possible the drugs are the cause rather than the cure for the identity crisis?
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Are you studying psych or something or have you had simliar situations? Not like attacking but yeah, you're right about a lot of this. The volatility is a lot to handle for me at this time, but I feel like there is something that has to be done and I can't, for the life of me find a shrink that I feel comfortable with, truly dealing with my identity issues that doesnt make me feel like my fluid tendences are being polliced. So, I've basically made my own team of shrinks made up of queer friends who can be there to understand that I'm on the middle of a see saw, and because they love me and care about me they always make me feel like I can express my issues without the insecurities that used to plague me. So it was more a catalyst and the way I used to deal with trying to get to that part I knew existed in me because it's a constant, never ending cycle of self medication for the sake of being honest about who I really am. I have been conditioned to be very reclusive about my disease and it is not a healthy way to deal with iti and I know that. However when I really do imput the coping skills for the different episodes, without feeling that I need to hide the fact my brain does something I can't control, its not permanently fixable but if my other listens whenI tell them what I need and helps me when I ask instead of giving up, its all fine. I can't have that in romantic relationships anymore it seems because the things I ask for, which is always just to be there while I wait for the storm to pass, goes ignored when desperately needed. And it spirals and spirals until I decided that I did not deserve to be made to feel like I gave nothing when I spent so long pretending that I didnt hurt at times when I needed to trust and jsut let it out so it wouldnt manifest later as the black, black rage that really knows how to rip them open. It's control, and I couldn't just give that up to them. I'll always be a little bit violatile, angry, and that matters nothing unless I make choices that hurt others. So I'm just letting the old life pace itself out, slowly so I can finally say good bye to it.