They're not crappy, and you honestly have some good emotional premises going on. I will say, though, that they're just premises.
In your English classes, did they explain that in writing, it's important to "show" and not to "tell" when writing? I know that can be kind of confusing, because even giving illustrious detail can count as "telling" as opposed to "showing."
SHOWING, though, would be bringing something real and important to you into the mix. Someone could write something like:
The table was covered in food. There was gross turkey, some inedible chicken, mashed potatoes, canned cranberry sauce, and everything you could imagine.
That's TELLING. There's detail, but there's nothing that can resonate with the reader/listener/what-have-you.
Telling might look more like:
Everyone brought out a dish for Thanksgiving, and the table was overflowing with food: Overcooked turkey, chicken with some questionable sauce, (Aunt Berta was taking cooking classes and thought she was the next Bobby Flay) some lumpy mashed potatoes that were hastily thrown into a bowl, and, from my drunk uncle Mark, the usual canned cranberry sauce.
Now, the second isn't more appealing because it has more words. It's more appealing because it has some personal connotation, and helps you understand the dynamics affecting the Thanksgiving dinner spread.
I know that may have seemed irrelevant, but hear me out: You have some good concepts here. Your writing is not at all bad. It's just that there's a slight emotional disconnect going on, where you're showing rather than telling. You're sad, it's like quicksand. Okay. But why are you sad? Other than it rhymes, why is it like quicksand?
If you're just writing lyrics, it's good, a lot of the time to really write out your feelings, appealing to all of your senses. Emotional, tactile, visual, etc....then exploring metaphors within that vein.
Just saying, "It's like quicksand / I can't figure it out" isn't enough. That's still surface level. Personalize it. Bring in your own flavor. Think about the situation, why it feels like quicksand, how hard it is to understand...
Just some quick pointers.
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It's a hand-me-down, the thoughts are broken
Perhaps they're better left unsung
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