For being 30 minutes in the making, that wasn't completely horrible.
There are a couple points where you go for quite sometime without rhyming and/or end a long buildup with a line that doesn't rhyme with anything... You can do that, but doing that
too much is a bad idea, and in my opinion, you pass the line a bit. Kind of like how an instrument can go off-key a few times in a well.
I also see a TON of opportunity for bending words so that they sound like eachother. For example,
Quote:
Im not like everyone, I keep my limits short,
Cause I know one day I will be a star (sta), Never gorgetting the people who gave me a reason to live for (fah),
Everyone is different, im just being me, if thats too much what the hell you doin here (hee-ya).
I make my own decisions, its part of life. Ima make it real big and buy a whole liquor store (sto-a).
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Okay, I admit that might actually sound really stupid (and you'd have to change parts of it to match at that), but you get the point.
Try spending a couple hours on something of this length, not just half an hour, and when you get enough practice, then you can do something more creative.