The Batlord

The Lay of Sigurd: Remixed Part IX c.

The remaining poseurs were overcome with despair and threw down their weapons. But it was too late and our armies slaughtered them without mercy. After all had been hunted down Johan and Joey gathered together the armies and Johan spoke, "Glory to the brave! We are victorious! True Metal will survive in this land thanks to your resolve and your bravery! But this victory comes at a terrible price! Many of our brothers have given their lives for the cause of True Metal! We must have a moment of silence to honor the fallen!" Every Defender of the Faith lowered his head and was silent. For one minute the only sound in the valley was the low, mournful moan of the wind. Eventually Johan raised his head and again spoke, "NOW LET'S ALL GO GET FUCKING WASTED!!!" The valley that had been silent now reverberated with the cheers of fifteen thousand True Metalheads. We set about getting properly wrecked with the same determination and vigor with which we fought for True Metal. We raided the poseurs' abandoned baggage train and found ale enough to last for several days. Then a massive stage was set up before the walls of Wacken and the assembled Metal Gods let loose a torrent of metal that shook the very stones of the fortress. Before long people from all over the kingdom came to the fortress to celebrate our great victory and partake in a bacchanal the likes of which had not been seen in living memory. Thus was held the very first Wacken Open Air festival. And nobody got more shitwrecked than me. I'm pretty sure that at some point I tried to do a stage dive off the wall. Awesome. After a few too many ales I even ended up in a porta potty with Johan's fat sister, Gudrun. Fuck it. Like riding a moped you know? It was all good 'til the door busted open and who should be there but that crazy bitch, Brynhild. Trembling with rage she shrieked, "I gavest thou my body and my love! Then I awoke to find that thou hadst abandoned me! And now I find that thou art shacked up with this fat slut?!" I put up both of my hands and tried to defuse the situation. "Calm down, baby. There's more than enough of me for the both of you." And so it was.


P.S. If you wanna know how I got back to the present then you can mind your own fucking business.

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