The Lay of Sigurd: Remixed Part VI b.
Johan was seated at the head of the table as befitted a badass viking metal motherf
ucker such as him. I was seated at his right, and at his left was a girl who he introduced as his sister, Gudrun. She seemed to be a shy girl who would glance at me when she thought that no one was looking. I was pretty sure she wanted to get with this, but she was a fat chick and I don't play that s
hit. I mean she wasn't a whale or anything, but she was definitely about twenty pounds outside my legal limit. Too bad, cause she had a nice face and some quality fat girl titties, but I'd need a few more tankards of ale to be able to hit that. Anyways, the food was f
uckin' bangin'. Pork and beef and chicken and venison as far as the eye could see and not one piece of f
ucking tofu in site. Anybody who thinks that tofu dogs or veggie burgers or whatever are just as good as real meat should be sterilized. If a veggie burger was just as good as a real burger then people other than deluded vegetarians would actually eat them. And if tofu was as good as a burger then you wouldn't have to dress it up like one just so you could remind yourself what it was like to eat meat. F
ucking hippy sons of bitches! So anyway, I was eatin' mucho meato, dodging fat fat fatty fatty fat fat over there, and generally enjoying myself.
Eventually the feast wound down, bongs were brought out, and an air of contentment and zootedness descended upon the hall. Then a bard came out with an electric lute and began a bitchin' tune while the assorted guests took turns singing songs of glorious deeds and kickass tales. After a while Johan rose from his seat and turned to me, "Dude, I can tell that you're a bitchin' motherf
ucker who's probably kicked some epic ass, so why don't you sing of your adventures?" 'Aw s
hit!' I thought. I f
ucking hate singing, but since I was a guest and I was properly tanked off of some quality mead I stood up and started to sing...
The head bangs ever on and on
Down from the neck where it began
Went to land of trolls and bongs
And traveled with Blind Guardian
Came to Dopethrone of Jus Osbourne
And Debbie Harry I did lay
Evil god's minions heads were torn
Then back to home I found my way
Now back in time I have been sent
From Varg a sword to slay a beast
In its great chest its heart was rent
And then on its blood I did feast
In the beast's lair a treasure grand
Now in Bathory I was rich
From birds I learned of Varg's cruel plan
And so I fucking killed that bitch
Then on my way to Hindarfell
I had to pass great Odin's test
Then on to volcano most fell
To waken the Valkyrie's rest
And now we come to the present
I'm sick of making this shit rhyme
You can all go get fucking bent
You poseur cunts aren't worth my time