The Lay of Sigurd: Remixed Part V a.
Where are we? Chapter V? God damn it. All this f
ucking writing blows ass. If I wanted to put this much effort into something I wasn't getting anything out of I'd enter into a mature, adult relationship with a woman who I loved and respected. F
uck that. If you bitch ass motherf
uckers weren't desperately in need of a proper role model then I'd just say "F
uck it!" and go throw rocks at children. You should be grateful, you poseur c
unts! Whatever. Anyways, dead dragon, Euronymous avenged, yadda yadda yadda. So, I was on my way to the volcano, Hindarfell, to wake up some Valkyrie and I'd been on the road for about a week. I could see the volcano slowly getting closer, and I was nearing my destination. I was walking down a busted ass old road near the base of the mountain when I saw some old dude standing in the middle of the road wearing grey robes, a pointy hat, a long grey beard, and an eye patch. As I got closer, he seemed to notice me and hollered, "Hey you! Who the f
uck are you and what the f
uck are you doing here?!" I wasn't about to take that kinda s
hit from some crusty old douche, so I yelled back, "None of you business, you old bitch! Who the f
uck are you anyway?!" He responded, "I'm f
uckin' Odin, bitch! This is my road, and that's my f
ucking mountain, and if you don't like it then you can suck my Asgardian balls!" Confuzzled, I asked him, "Wait, you're Odin? Then why the f
uck do you look like Gandalf?" and he said, "Cause f
uck you that's why! Now why are you here?" Well, I though that this was a pretty kick ass development, so I was willing to forgive Odin's douchiness, so I told him, "I've just come from slaying the dragon Fafnir, and now I'm here to wake the Valkyrie up on the mountain so I can get me a tit wank." He nodded at this and smiled, saying, "Well that's pretty kick ass, and your Morbid Angel shirt marks you as a True Metalhead, but if you're going to wake up my daughter for a tit wank, then you must prove that you are truly worthy." This sounded fair. I mean, if I was gonna let some dude bang my daughter, he'd have to show that he kicked the proper amount of ass, so I agreed.
Then Odin spoke thusly, "If you would prove yourself worthy of my daughter, then you must show me your might. Therefore, you must run a mile in eight minutes." "Wait, what the f
uck?! I gotta do some f
ucking high school fitness test?! That's f
ucking retarded!", and, angry, Odin pointed a gnarled finger at me and spoke, "Silence, mortal! You will do what I say or have thy ass presented to you!" So, I did as Odin asked, and when I returned, Odin bitched at me, "You a
sshole! You took almost an hour! You didn't even run! You just walked around like a lazy tool and smoked cigarettes the whole time!" "F
uck you!", I responded, "I didn't run for some fascist PE teacher, and I'm not gonna run for some douchebag god." He seemed amused by this and said, "I like the cut of your jib, son, so I'm gonna say that you passed my test. You may proceed," and Odin stepped aside and let me pass. Now I went on my way and finally reached the volcano Hindarfell.