The Batlord

The Lay of Sigurd: Remixed Part IV b.

After we had cut out Fafnir's heart, put it on a fire, and let it cook for over an hour, I decided to taste it to see if it was cooked yet. I took Gram and cut into the heart, but blood spurted onto my hand and burned it, and I instinctively put my hand in my mouth. When I tasted the blood, a weird feeling came over me. Suddenly, I realized that I could understand the birds around me. Bad ass? Specifically, I could hear two birds talking to each other in a nearby tree, "Man, fuck that bitch! I was all like, 'Hey baby! Looks like we're birds of a feather, so why don't we flock together?' and she was all like, 'Talk to the wing, cause whatever the fuck birds have for ears ain't listening,'" and the second bird told him, "She was probably molting. You know how chicks get when it's that time of the year." Then the first bird noticed me looking at them, "Hey! Who the fuck are you?! This is an "A" and "B" conversation, so why don't you fuck off?!" I wasn't gonna take that shit from some fucking bird, so I yelled back at his bitch ass, "Fuck you, you sparrow ass son of a bitch! Why don't you peck my sweaty ballsack?!" Man, fuck birds. Then the second bird tapped his friend and was like, "Dude, chill out. That guy's got a Morbid Angel shirt. He's cool, man," and the first bird turned back to me, "My bad, dude. I saw you with that asshole, Varg Vikerness, and figured you were a poseur." Now I was all fucking confused, "Dude, I didn't even know birds listened to metal", and the second bird piped up, "Fuck yeah, dude! Stormcrowfleet all up in this bitch! By the way, you know that punk motherfucker you're hangin' out with is planning to kill you and take your Bathory record, don't you?" I wasn't surprised, but still, "How do you know?" and the first bird responded, "Mind your own fucking business. Birds just know these kinda things. We're all mysterious and shit." Thanking the birds for their help, I now turned to Varg, who had just returned from gathering more fire wood.

Smiling, I called out to him, "Hail, Varg!" and he seemed slightly confused by my friendliness to him, but he returned my greeting. I then walked up to him and kicked him in the stomach, knocking him to the ground. He tried to get up, but I stepped on his chest and leaned down on him. "So, motherfucker. I hear you're planning on killing me and taking my Bathory album." He tried to protest, "Of course not! Who told you that?!", and I smiled even wider, "A little bird told me. Two of them, in fact." He tried again to deny my accusation, "My friend, I may have fled when the dragon approached, but in every other instance I have done nothing but help you!" "Shut up! I don't really fucking care to be perfectly honest. You see, I just don't fucking like you, asshole. So, just to be safe, I'm gonna do the world a fucking favor and kill you." Still he tried to reason with me, but I stepped even harder on his chest, so that he could no longer speak. I then drew Gram, and looked down on the sniveling coward, now crying tears of fear, and I cried "This is for Euronymous!" I then cut Varg Vikernes' head from his shoulders.

Having now slain a dragon and killed Varg Vikernes, I needed something to do. So, I turned back to the birds, "Hey, you! Uh...birds! You know where I can find some bangin' viking chicks?" The first bird looked thoughtful for a second, and then chirped, "Yeah, dude. If you just want some straight pussy, there's some village a couple days from here, but down that way, like a week's journey, there's a fucking volcano called Hindarfjell. Apparently Odin got pissed at one of his Valkyries for spilling his mead, and you know Odin doesn't fuck around with his mead, so he bitch smacked her and put her in the middle of the volcano. Then he put this bitchin' spell on her so she would sleep until a True fucking Metalhead found her and woke her up." I thought this sounded promising, since any chick who rides a wolf has gotta give good head. So, I thanked the birds and went on my way. God Norway rules!

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