The Batlord

The Lay of Sigurd: Remixed Part I

It was a dark and stormy night. That's a lie. It was like 3 pm on a Tuesday, but that doesn't sound nearly as bad ass. So why the fuck did I even say anything? Fuck it. So, it was a bright and sunny afternoon, and I was bumpin' Somewhere In Time by Iron Maiden, when the most awesome fucking idea came to me. I should go time travelling. Hell yeah! First, I had to go tell my boss that I wasn't coming in to work today. I woulda called, but I had to throw my phone at some kid wearing a Slipknot hoodie. I went up to my job, and long story short, I hit him in the face with a brick. Now I just had to find a time machine. There was only one dude I could think of who might have one. Devin Townsend. What's that you say? Why would Devin Townsend have a time machine? Cause Devin Townsend is the mad scientist of metal, the mastermind behind Strapping Young Lad, and an uber genius who routinely kicks Stephen Hawking's ass at Scrabble. But a True Metalhead would know that. Which means that you're a fucking poseur. Don't let me catch you around here, bitch. I will fuck your mother in the ass and make her lick the shit off my dick while you watch. I guess I got kinda carried away there, but poseurs just get my goat. Anyways, now I just had to go to Antarctica and find Devin's secret laboratory.

Unfortunately, I couldn't take a plane, since I was on the no-fly list. Apparently you're not allowed to go on a plane with C4 in your underwear. Long story short, if you wanna get all the way down to the tip of South America without any money and you're not willing to suck trucker cock, your only real option is hijacking a mother of two and handcuffing her to radiators in sleazy motels at night to keep her from going to the cops until you get to Chile. But that's another story. After that, it was a simple matter to stow away in a ship going to Antarctica to resupply some science base. Most of the scientists were poseurs, but I'd found a contact on the UMU (Underground Metal Underground) who worked there who could take me to Devin's laboratory. Time machine, here I come!

Once I arrived at the laboratory, I rang the doorbell and waited for several minutes until Devin's face appeared on a monitor next to the entrance. "Who the fuck are you?! If you're the pizza guy, I called you guys like six months ago, so you can kiss my ass if you expect a tip!" "No", I said, "I just wanna use your time machine." "No one but a True Metalhead may step foot in the Devlab. If you would enter my sanctuary, then you must prove that you're not a poseur. After all, anyone can buy a Morbid Angel t-shirt." "I am a Defender of the Faith until the day I die. I can pass any test." "Then answer this question: who would win in a fight between Lemmy and God?" "Dude, Lemmy is God." Then, the screen went black and the door opened. I entered the Devlab and made my way into Devin's inner sanctuary, where I found him making the Millennium Falcon out of LEGOs. Sweet. When he saw me, he asked, "So, how did you know that I had a time machine?" I responded, "Dude, you wrote City. Of course you have a time machine. So can I use it or not?" "Any True Metalhead is more than welcome to use my time machine. Follow me." With that, we left his sanctuary and went into another room with a bunch of time machiney looking shit. Use your imagination. I'm fucking lazy. Long story short, there was a pod, and buttons, and a switch, and a midget named Miguel, and before I knew it, I was a time travelling motherfucker. Kick ass.

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