The Batlord

CAUTION!!!: Listening to High On Fire May Cause Bitchin' Interdimensional Rifts In the Space-Time Continuum - Part III b.

Then, I finally made my way to the throne, and discovered Jus Osbourne from Electric Wizard, smoking some of the stickiest icky I'd ever seen out of a giant hookah, while sitting on a huge, ornate throne in the shape of a bong. I almost came in my pants. Non-poseurs will known why. He sees my walking up to him, and says, "Dude, awesome shirt. Covenant is the best fuckin' album", and I say, "Yeah, Covenant is sick, but I'm all about Altars of Madness." He takes a mighty hit, says, "That is a pretty bitchin' album, but that isn't why you have come, is it?", and then he breathes out a billowing cloud of smoke. I then tell him of all of the events that have transpired in the past...day? Two Days? I don't fucking know. Fuck it. Anyways, I tell him everything, "...and then I hit that dude in the dick, cause he just wouldn't shut the fuck up!" Jus took another hit, held it for a long while, with an intense, thoughtful expression on his face, then released it and spoke, "I know how to send you home, but we shall not speak of this tonight. Tonight, we shall get fucked up." And so it was.

After I had downed a fifth of Jack Daniels, a six pack of PBR, two Xanax, some E, smoked more weed than I can remember, and banged my head to some Obituary, Jus clapped his hands, and in walked 70's Debbie Harry from Blondie who lead me away to a bedroom. I know some dudes must be all like, "Blondie?! That's some shitty girl band!", but they can suck a dick and choke. Blondie were one of the original CBGB's punk bands, and kicked ass. Besides, Debbie harry is a fox. So suck it. Anyways, I then snorted a line of coke off Debbie Harry's ass, flipped her over, and went balls deep in her fur pie. I'd go into more detail, but I'm classy like that. In the morning, after I'd iced down my penis, I went to the throne room and found Jus eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and wearing a kick ass Hellhammer shirt. After he had finished, he began to speak, "Beneath this castle is a staircase. At the bottom of this staircase is an evil temple where a nightmare rests. Cthulhu has been asleep beneath this castle since time immemorial, and this castle was built to contain him. Unfortunately, his minions are even now beneath our very feet, performing dark and hideous rites so that their master may once again walk in the land of the living. All champions that we have sent to deal with this grave threat have never returned, but I see that you are a True Metalhead of the highest caliber, so if anyone can stop Cthulhu's rising, it is you. There is a gateway in this temple that can take you back to your world that can only be accessed by a true Defender of the Faith such as you. You must stop Cthulhu from rising if you hope to ever see your home again." When he had finished speaking, I then said, "Dude! Cthulhu? Bitchin'! Show me this staircase so I can blow this shitsickle stand. Exodus are playing next week and I ain't missin' that shit!" And with that, the final leg of my kick ass journey began.

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