oK , keep in mind that all of this is just opinion, you asked for help, from anyone. So I will lend you my 2 cents. I will break it down best I can.
#1. rhyme more than on word per sentence.
IE. The fat cat smoked a hash sack
i just sat back countin cash stacks
#2. in a four bar sequence rhyming only your last word, and using the same syllables and sound for the last word, is gonna sound more like a poem, and make it hard not to be monotone, this sometimes works in story telling rap, but not often.
so try to uses different sequences, like
a
a
b
a
IE. a.the fat cat was crazy bro
a. he came with luggage, some crazy ho
b. so you know me, cus im crazy to
a. i tol that slow bitch that she had ta go
IE. a. the fat cat was crazy bro
b. an he came with more than one
a. an when i tol his ass he had ta go
b. lil kitty reached for a gun.
#3. Do not refer to your race. Ever. Its corny, and doesn't matter in rap anymore.
#4.(so I turn on my G) make sure the lines you say make sense and apply to you, if they don't your music has no heart. And will not be felt by anyone but your mom.
#5.Don't use more words than you have to, and pay attention to syllables.
#6. The world has plenty of people who want to rap because they think its a cool thing to do, they don't take time to polish their craft and they force feed their garbage down everyone's throat, If you don't live and breath hip-hop then do us all a favor and try something else. And if you ever, ever wonder if you should quit.... quit, cause this industry is not for weak people. Best of luck to you. PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE.
#7. Don't ever post a song up untill you have let a lot of unbiast people review it, try to find the hardest critic to listen to it first, someone that will tell you its wack, if you can't find anyone come to me.
O.K so what you just posted was complete garbage, but its no worse than when me or any of my friends started out, watch some youtube tutorials and get to practicing. Good luck.
oh and one more piece of advice, try remixing your favorite artists songs using the same flow they had, it will help you learn the methods... instrumentals are all over youtube.