Stick THIS in your stocking!!!!
He's makin' a list, checkin' it twice... ooh yeah, we're into the final runup to that favourite of department stores and advertising executives, for some the most important birthday of the year, for others a chance to get the family together and have a big fight. The month credit cards dread, and which trees live in fear of. That time of the year when you look despairingly at your budget and wonder if the kids would still believe in having an “imagination Christmas”?
Twenty-four days to go to the big one; Santa Claus is gearing up his sleigh, Rudolph is desperately trying to clean up his act
again this year, and everyone from Argos to Boots, from Walmart to PC World have ideas for “the perfect Christmas gift”, but you know you're going to end up with either a voucher or some badly-needed socks and underwear, or maybe aftershave, the latter of which is even worse to receive if you're a guy!
But here at Music Banter we all know what we're going to hope to get for Xmas, and whether it's hardcore punk, freestyle jazz, depressive suicidal black metal or progressive rock, we're all pointing to our favourite albums online and hoping our parents/friends/significant other/anyone who has money is watching, and taking note.
But this is a selection of albums nobody in their right mind is going to want to see in their stocking come Christmas morning!
I'm not talking about “Santa's Greatest Hits”, or “Now that's what I call Christmas”, or any of the other many, many compilations or collections of dubious Christmas songs that get churned out every year. They're bad enough, but hey, we all want to hear Christmas songs at the party, don't we? And there have been some decent ones down the years, from the perennial favourites like Slade's “Merry Xmas everybody”, Lennon's “Merry Xmas (War is over)” and Wham's “Last Christmas” to the downright awful, with songs like Mud's “It'll be lonely this Christmas”, Brenda Lee's “Rockin' around the Christmas tree” and, er, Wham's “Last Christmas”, to say nothing of timeless gems like Bing's “White Christmas” and Mathis's “When a child is born”. No, these songs all have their deserved place in the season, and Christmas without them would be like Christmas without Santa or the cold silence following the argument at the dinner table, or pretending to like that horrible pressie your aunt just gave you. Again. For the fourth Christmas in a row.
No, I'm talking here about artistes who make one-off Christmas albums; people who have no business doing so, some who in fact have no business making albums at all, and are only cashing in on the Christmas market in order to sell some units and beef up their already healthy bank balance. Albums with titles like “A [insert artiste name here] Christmas” or “Christmas with [insert artiste name here]”; albums that you know are either going to be filled with the artiste's interpretation of carols and Christmas songs, or which, even worse, are going to contain original Christmas songs, written by them (or for them) “especially for this festive season”. Ugh!
So anyway, these are not in order, as I would never have the time nor the stamina to listen to them enough to be able to rate them, but they are without question some of the worst Christmas albums ever recorded. They will in no way be the usual in-depth reviews I write --- you'll hear no mention of “a rippling keyboard melody backed up by growling guitar” --- and will in fact be very short, whimsical and satirical reviews, mostly focussing on the possible reasons why someone would record such a thing, apart from the obvious.
I'll be doing one a day, right up to Christmas Day, so no matter how awful that Christmas gift is, be thankful no-one thought to get you any of these turkeys!
Disclaimer: Oh come on! I shouldn't have to write this, should I? Oh very well then, my lawyers insist... This section is meant to be for fun only, so any jokes made here at the expense of any artiste should not be taken as overly critical of them. No insult or disrespect is intended, and please try to take everything said here with a pinch of reality (or cop-on, as we say here in Ireland) and in the spirit of Christmas.
And so..
on, Dasher!
On, Prancer!
On... er, the other ones! We've got twenty-five terrible albums to feature, and Christmas Day is fast approaching!
Now, few things in life are as scarily wholesome as the Waltons! The image George H.W.
(no, I don't think
it stands for “huge wank---”) Bush wanted America to emulate, they were for decades the most sickeningly sweet family on TV. I much preferred the Ingalls. But this is their album, and you're going to be subject to the full force of their “Mom and Apple Pie” (TM) brand of Americana on it.
A Waltons Christmas: Together again --- The Waltons (cast) --- 1999 (Page Music)
To get us “in the mood” (for slitting our wrists, perhaps?) we have the famous (or infamous, depending on how you remember it) theme from the show, followed by a spoken narrative about how great life was on Walton Mountain, where time always seemed to stand still and no-one hated anyone, on into some bluegrass on “Christmas time's a-comin'” --- yeah, we know, guys. There are no less than four “intros”, which are basically a minute or less of spoken material, and much of the rest is what you'd expect from the Waltons: hillbilly, thigh-slappin', toe-tappin', I'm-in-Hell country downhome uptempo tunes, with some Christmas favourites thrown in. But hold on, cos even those Xmas standards like “Sleigh ride”, “All I want for Christmas” and “Have yourself a merry little Christmas” are all dang-fired countryfied, y'all! Yeah, everything comes with a double-thick helping of country and bluegrass, making me almost wish I was listening to “Now that's what I call Christmas” --- yeah, that bad! Christ, we even get “John Boy” reading a poem! Shoot me now!
Ah, if you loved the Waltons, you'll love this. Probably. If, like me, their unpalatable, unreal over-niceness stuck in your throat, you're gonna think you've got a turkey bone lodged there if you are unlucky enough to have to listen to this. Me, I'm for headin' up that thar mountain trail with a loaded double-barreled and a few mean dogs: who's with me?
TRACKLISTING
1. Waltons theme
2. Earl Hamner's narrative
3. Christmas time's a-comin'
4. Intro to mama's applesauce cake
5. Mama's applesauce cake
6. Sleigh ride
7. Follow that star
8. That's what Christmas means to me
9. Intro to Have yourself a merry little Christmas
10. Have yourself a merry little Christmas
11. Intro to Snowmanland
12. Snowmanland
13. Twas the night before Christmas
14. Little drummer boy
15. Home for the holidays
16. Santa's big parade
17. Intro to All I want for Christmas
18. All I want for Christmas
19. Good night
PS Luckily for you good folks I was unable to track down any videos from this album, but on for the other albums, where I can, I'll feature one video. You have been sufficiently warned; click on future YouTubes at your own risk... 