In recent years, say the last ten, there's been one thing that's been almost always inextricably linked with the rise of any new boyband, and it's that damn show. If the X Factor has taught us one thing, it's that everyone wants to be a star and many think they are stars, while if Cowell and Co.
think you are a star, they'll make you one, whether you're that good or not. Okay, that's strictly three things, but you know what I mean. Without the X Factor it's safe to say that many of today's boybands might not exist, or at least be as popular and successful as they are.
And as I look out the window of the magna-train that glides over the carbon-fibre rails like a slim steel ghost, the state-of-the-art descendant of the humble hovercraft and the monorail, watching The One City slide closer in my view, I read that the final boyband on my list, well, weren't even supposed to be a boyband! Auditioning for the X, each was rejected for the solo section in the “boys” category, and ready to go home until one of the judges suggested they enter as a band and try again. With no knowledge even of each other, and no experience singing together, the lads formed as One Direction and though they didn't win, they came third, which is pretty remarkable considering the short amount of time they had to get to know each other and try to gell together.
Their failure to win the contest didn't bother the big S, and he signed them to his label, thus creating yet another cash cow. One Direction promptly became the biggest boyband in the country, their debut album selling over three million units and being certified platinum in most territories. They are currently preparing for the release of their second album.
So what is different about this band? Well, as related above, it's not the usual story where thousands of hopefuls try out for an audition and are picked --- well, it is, but with a twist. Nor is it the other familiar tale of schoolchums or longtime friends getting together to form a group: none of the guys in One Direction seem to have known any of the others before arriving at the X Factor studios for their individual solo auditions. It's also interesting to see that the bandmembers from the start have participated in the writing of some of the songs, like fellow “new” boyband The Wanted. The main bulk, however, are written by established composers like Steve Mac and Wayne Hector, whom we've met helming other boyband albums, and the odd guest like Kelly Clarkson. Many of the other boybands we've looked at have had to wait their turn before being allowed to write, but the new breed seem determined to have a measure of control over their music that the older, more established boybands never did.
Their lineup is as follows:
Niall Horan
Zayn Malik
Liam Payne
Harry Styles
Louis Tomlinson
What else is different? Well, rather surprised to read that some of the guys actually appreciate rock music: Horan is into Bon Jovi and The Eagles, while Tomlinson cites Robbie Williams and Ed Sheeran as influences. Styles namechecks Coldplay and Kings of Leon. All right, so they're not exactly affirming their interest in thrash metal, but it's a start! They even pay their dues, with Niall Horan being a big fan of swing music and citing the Rat Pack as favourites of his. So you know, maybe they're not that bad?
Up all night --- One Direction --- 2011 (Columbia)
Well, the album opens with “Summer nights” from “Grease” --- oh, hold on, no. It's their first and number one single, “What makes you beautiful”. But the main riff is totally ripped from the John Travolta/Olivia Newton-John song --- still, the fact that I can actually use the word “riff” in a review of a boyband album is at least encouraging, and this at least is partially guitar-based, though there are of course the usual banks of synths and the handclap drumbeats. It's fun I guess, but I wouldn't have seen it as a number one. Still, I'm a crusty old rocker, what do I know about what the kids want these days?
Again showing a stunning lack of originality, it's the first four tracks that were released as singles (perhaps the running order of the album was arranged that way), and the second one then is “Gotta be you”, and it has a nice strings backing, becoming a slow/mid-paced half-ballad with a nice backbeat and not half as annoying as it could be I guess. “One thing”, the third single, has a nice opening guitar riff too, almost indie-rock in its way with a very catchy chorus. It seems that Niall Horan becomes the first boyband member that I know anyway who can play an instrument, as he's a keen guitarist, but whether or not he plays on the album I don't know. Still, nice to see at least one member who has more than the one string to his bow.
The final single, “More than this”, opens on a lovely little acoustic guitar line, and I do have to admit that although the synths are bound to punch in at any time now, it's still nice to hear so much guitar on a boyband album. There's a certain sense of George Michael about this, though whoever is taking the main vocal sounds very female! It's a decent song though, with a lack of the bravado often associated with boyband songs, even the ballads. There's something fragile, almost empathic about it. The tempo goes right back up then for the title track, as you might expect, as it's a total party song, revelling in the joys of youth and freedom, and no doubt became an anthem for teenagers.
Nice bubbly keyboards carry the song, with the guitar pushed firmly into the background this time, and a very infectious and quite likeable chorus. Harmless really, and the sort of song you could see yourself awkwardly dancing around to even at my age, never mind the fact that I have no chance whatsoever of staying up all night, at least not without sleeping all through the next day! Ah, to be young again. And also a robot. What? Oh, nothing, nothing. Where was I? Oh yes. “I wish” has again a nice little guitar line, deep drums and a pleasant melody. Where One Direction (hah! OD!) seem to score though is with their hooky choruses, which really are extremely catchy, and this is no exception.
Kelly Clarkson contributes to “Tell me a lie”, which is okay but generally throwaway pop, then “Taken”, the first song on which the guys write, is not bad, bit of “****-you” in the lyric, and some nice solid synthwork, while there's a bright piano opening to “I want”, the only song on the album written by just the one person, this person being McFly's Tom Fletcher, injecting a little rockish sound into One Direction's music. Hey you know it's not too bad. Nice bit of guitar too, not quite a solo but hey, in a boyband album I'll take what I can get! The boys are then back to help writing the next two tracks, the first being “Everything about you”, a boppy dancer which is probably my least favourite on the album, pretty generic and could be any boyband really.
Much better is “Same mistakes”, with a sort of quiet marching beat that somehow puts me in mind of ABBA's “Super trouper” (don't ask me why) but has a really catchy melody and comes over as a sort of half-ballad, with some nice guitar and keys. “Save you tonight” is boppy, catchy, okay but nothing special stands out about it, and the album then closes on “Stole my heart”, which I have to admit I expected to be a slow ballad but it's more in trance territory than anything else, and yes, I hate it. Terrible way to end the album, in my opinion.
TRACKLISTING
1. What makes you beautiful
2. Gotta be you
3. One thing
4. More than this
5. Up all night
6. I wish
7. Tell me a lie
8. Taken
9. I want
10. Everything about you
11. Same mistakes
12. Save you tonight
13. Stole my heart
And that's One Direction. I'll admit, their music has a little more heart than most of the boybands I've listened to over the course of this series, and they bring the guitar a little more into the music, but you're never going to make me a fan. If that's how the new boybands are going then good luck to them I guess, but it really is generally a case of more of the same. Which seems to be what the record-buying public, at least the younger ones, want, something Cowell, Walsh and their ilk know all too well, and have grown fat on the proceeds of that knowledge.
With a grateful sigh, I push the OFF switch on my laptop and as the smiling faces of One Direction disappear on the screen, the sounds of close-harmony singing and chirping voices, stabby keyboards and handclaps are ringing in my ears. It's been a long journey, I reflect as I pack up my gear and head back to the hotel, where I'll check out tomorrow and begin the voyage home. It was almost a year ago now that I first set off on my journey into the shadowy and sugary world of boybands, not knowing what to expect. Well, untrue: I had a pretty good idea what to expect, but up to then I couldn't lay claim (or admit) to having listened to one boyband album all the way through, and the only songs I knew were either from the charts or via the X Factor, American Idol or such shows as I may have been forced to endure.
Now, I realise I have a better understanding of what it is that makes a boyband, what drives them, what keeps them alive and how rigidly controlled, in the main, they are. A boyband is not like a “real” band, where they might decide to go in a totally different direction, try something new. In a real band, there's not really anyone other than the bandmembers that can gainsay that idea, even if it doesn't work out and the albums don't sell. But in a boyband they're pretty much told what to sing, what to write, what to promote, and are rarely if ever allowed to deviate from that pattern. This makes of course for a very sterile, samey and safe music form. Which is just how the parents, the producers and I guess the fans like it.
Do the bands like it? Who knows? Would Kian Egan have preferred to do a cover of “All along the watchtower”? Would Justin Timberlake have been tempted to try his hand at reggae, or Ronan Keating stick his toe in the murky waters of heavy metal? Perhaps, but the chances their “mentor” would allow such a thing are virtually nil. Nothing must derail the boyband machine, and nothing must come between the profit margins. It's all about money, and image, and style, with music a pretty distant fourth or fifth, as I can attest to from having listened to the music of Nysync, Backstreet Boys, Westlife and Boyzone, among others.
But all that aside, have I actually learned anything in my travels through Boybandland? Well, there was a time when I would hear a song I liked, but realising it was a boyband singing I would pretend --- even to myself --- I didn't like it. The genre or the band was dictating what I liked or didn't like, instead of the music itself. Such stupid prejudices are now a thing of the past for me, and if I like a song now, whatever the genre, I'll listen to it. Indeed, as a result of this journey there will be a few Westlife or Take That songs that will be making their way onto one or more of my playlists. I won't be joining their fanclub any time soon, but I have gained a slighly better appreciation for some of the music purveyed by these bands, and maybe I won't be so quick to jeer and criticise. Maybe.
The music, in general though, is not to my taste, nor will it ever be. I prefer my music to say something, to have a message I can understand, other than “Hey girl”, or “Dance with me”. I like serious music that speaks to me, and yes I can like pop music too, but it's not something I tend to listen to of choice. There is of course room for all opinions, as there should be, and for all types of music, no matter whether you like it or not. There are so many genres I don't enjoy, or just don't have the time for, but I would never call them terrible just because I don't like them. That's what starting this section was all about
: meeting the music I don't like head on, diving into it and learning about it, and seeing if I could after all get something from it, something I never understood or realised about it before. Above all, the idea was to gain enough information on and experience with the genre that I would either realise I liked it or could tolerate it at least, or would have enough “verbal ammunition” to hold my own in a debate on the genre. I would, in short, know what I was talking about.
And I think that's worked here. I now know a lot more about boyband music than I ever did, or perhaps ever wanted to, but I have a new appreciation for it even if I don't like it. I've given it a fair chance, have explored and listened to some of the bigger names in its field, and formed an opinion that is no longer just based on ignorance and prejudice, and rejecting a whole genre out of hand, but is now founded on solid information and experience.
So, what have I learned? Well, these, to me, appear to be the important “Dos” and “Don'ts” if you want to be in a successful boyband:
DO be attractive, pretty, handsome, boyish. It doesn't matter how talented you may be, if you're ugly you will be OUT at the first opportunity.
DO be single. To quote the manager of the B Sharps, “Girls are going to want to sleep with you, and we want them to think they can!”
DON'T worry if you can't play an instrument: this will NOT be required, may even be frowned upon.
DO endorse everything you can. Your time in the spotlight is likely to be short, even less so than a professional footballer's, so amass as much of a fortune as you can, and try to have a cartoon TV series made about you, so you can keep earning even after you stop singing and touring.
DON'T expect to write your own material. A slew of songwriters will be drafted in to write the hits you will sing.
DON'T worry if you can't sing, but are at least good to look at. You may be able to hide at the back and just mime.
DON'T make the mistake of thinking you're a serious musician. You're not: you're a singer in a boyband, a corporate tool of the label and/or your producer.
Tomorrow, my ship leaves here to begin the long voyage back to civilisation, and I won't be sorry to be leaving. It's been a gruelling year, but I think a necessary and in ways rewarding one. I've learned a lot, had my eyes opened in many ways, and can now count myself something of a minor authority on boybands. Also, it should not ever be necessary for me to have to do this again!
With that thought in mind, I bid you farewell from the shores of Boybandland. Where will my travels take me next? Even I don't know that yet, but it can't be anywhere as scary as the trip I have just completed.
Now, who's for some death metal?
Here endeth the lesson. Go forth, ye who can sing (and ye who cannot) and Audition, for Great Things can happen, and Fame can be yours. All you must do is Impress the Judges...