Originally Posted by 1moretroubadour

Ah I see. Sorry for misunderstanding

A bit of feedback: when writing lyrics, you should have a melody in mind, even if its not the melody those lyrics will be used for. There is more to writing lyrics than simply rhyming words. Each sentence must have a flow to it, rhythmic and natural. As well, its important that the the emphasizing vowel of each word flow naturally as well.

When a singer sings a song, depending on their range and the pitch they hit, different vowel and word combinations can give difficulties. For example, hit 'oh' as in Oreo or 'ah' as in America have the back of your tongue flattened which means you lose air quickly and its a bit difficult to control (unless you're a well trained singer).

I'm not saying that you are doing any of this wrong, not at all! But when you are planning lyrics for someone else's melody, its important to keep these things in consideration. The easiest way to do this is to sing it yourself with your own melody and only sing the vowels. With a bit of practice, you'll understand what I mean and it will change your songwriting, hopefully for the better

EDIT: Oh i'm sorry, i realized I didn't give you any feedback! I like the imagery and the idea of the lyrics you wrote but it seems like there is a problem with the grammar. I can understand if english isn't your first language but if you are able to clean it up, it could sound really great