I was in one of those moods where I'm just pissed about all the nuance of modern music. "Who the **** does that?!?!! Everyone knows this is all affected-bull**** for the sake of appealing to stupid people!" (yes I'm like this IRL as well).
A friend of mine who drags me to almost all the local shows I go to threw on this channel called Palladium which was constant live music. I happened to grab the "I <3 Radio" concert which, to my delight, was Nikki Minaj, Kenny Chesney, and Coldplay.
You can think whatever you want of that lineup, but two of them are what they are. They may not appeal to you, but at least they seem honest. Then theres Coldplay. I started to feel really bad for the guy playing bass. I looked at it like I look at the VP of Enron. By the time the poor shlub knew how wrong his life was, he was in too deep, making too much money, and was too tainted to ever do that well again. You're just along for the ride even if it was a downward spiral. And it is.
Its moving irreversibly in that direct because of one Chris Martin. Not since Ja Rule have I thought an artist was willingly malleable for the sake of getting 13 year olds to jerk off to them. The graffitied piano, the countless wristbands that hover somewhere between a crazy-band bedecked tween and a 1970’s Steven Tyler. The marriage to Gwyneth Paltrow who might be one of the more deplorable celebrities. And don’t think I can’t hear you, Coldplay fanboi.
“But wait, whats this got to do with the music?!? Nothing! You’re just bitter! And The Scientist is a masterpiece!”
Shut your god damn mouth. First of all, the Scientist sounds like the rest of the album which is a watered-down Radiohead track made for the Adult Contemporary audience. It’s the Gerbers of artsy music, mashed up banana-flavored mush meant to appear to be one thing, but in fact be completely unrelated and designed not only to fool but to be digestible. Short of pretending that the spoon was an airplane coming in for a landing, Coldplay marketed their swill for the bowel tracks of Americas masses. And holy **** did they chow down. They’ve been in every commercial known to man, and I’m pretty sure Chris Martin loaned his name out to credit card companies to put on the fake card they show in ads.
But I’m writing this tirade for a more noble reason. While we’re sitting there getting sloshed on $10 wine (bottle, not glass) my friend says to me “you know, music just wasn’t meant to be written for arenas.” I don’t know if he actually thinks that or the booze was talking but I think he has a damn good point. Music is not supposed to be consistently soaring and atmospheric. Not in my universe anyway. For one thing, it inherently implies that the sound system is part of the act. In this case, the sound guys ought to be getting a cut of the check. Secondly, have you ever heard these songs played on acoustic instruments? You either need Phil Spector arranging the ****ing thing, or you need to completely change it up. Primarily because when you’re not cowering behind a way of reverb, you need to back up your nonsense with talent.
To be, Arena music can be damn fun, but it doesn’t have much substance. I never get deep into “Cum on Feel the Noize” or much of the Bon Jovi back catalog. Which isn’t to disparage them (or to make the comparison) but those acts at least know what their wheelhouse is. Neither pretend they’re the Poet Laurite of modern music. Except Coldplay. And that’s the issue. That everyones fully prepared to put their hands out for accolades when they’re cowering behind technological handicaps.
I asked a music professor I once knew (friend’s husband) why you didn’t hear a lot of cello in jazz. In short his answer was “Well jazz recordings were ****ty so players use to find ways around the brass to be heard on an album.” Are ya ****ting me? If Coldplay formed up in 1924 it would be 4 guys with bows behind 3 trumpet plays who had talent. And the dopes would all be in zoot suits.
But beyond my Coldplay hatred, can music be created for Arenas? Is there a value out there in the atmosphere? Should music be something that holds up in the coffee shop, the street corner, and Red Rocks? I had my opinions, and they shouldn’t be heard to figure out, but I’d love to hear from you folks. Whats the point of putting a song 6 feet underreverb?
And wtf is mylo xyloto?