Quote:
Originally Posted by Ian E Coleman
STRONG WORDED LETTER
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I'll stir up my anger
Write a strong worded letter
Oh, You'd better hold me back
There's extra lead in my pencil sack
Let me load up my piece
And make anger decease
With this strong worded letter
I make myself better
Ashamed though I am
I'm more of a man
Though a humans a funny thing to be
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Hi Ian,
This poem is cute! I like the humor you use, especially in the lines in bold, as you describe writing a strongly worded letter. Watch out! It's a strongly worded letter!!! This is funny because of course the pen isn't really mightier than the sword, although the recent history of revolutions suggests Facebook might be!
I agree that writing down my anger is good therapy.
Since you wrote that you don't intend to do any editing, I'll do some for you.
This line was missing the apostrophe: "Though a human's a funny thing to be." I agree. I felt that was a cute observation.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ian E Coleman
CHASING SUNSET
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Remember when you said you wanted to die
Well that night my roof opened and started to cry
And the room filled with water until nothing was not covered in water...
You remember the day that you said life was great
Well the time has arisen to take back those ways
They said this time will pass, oh it's only a distinct stage of development...
You remember the week that we slept on the street
Only did it so that we could say we could beat
All the people who said that us rich kids were nothing but lacking physical strength, energy, or vigor...
So now it's said and done
Guess that we've had our fun
As somebody once said, we've had a good swift movement on foot...
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I like the idea in this poem. However, I felt the lines were rather cumbersome and lumpy, with many words in one line and few in another. For example, "we could beat / All the people who said that us rich kids were nothing but lacking physical strength, energy, or vigor" runs on rather long. I think you could shorten this line but retain the meaning. The shortest version I could imagine would be for you to write, "All the people who said us rich kids were weak." This might be interesting, since you used the word "week" earlier in the stanza:
"You remember the week that we slept on the street?
Only did it so that we could say we could beat
All the people who said us rich kids were weak."
Similarly, rather than say, "And the room filled with water until nothing was not covered in water," have you considered eliminating the redundancy of saying "water" twice, such as by writing, "And the room filled with water until nothing was uncovered" or "until all was covered?"
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ian E Coleman
DOOR PLEA
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Well I hear the sound,
Barely audible.
So sad and hopeful,
Of a door plea.
But I cannot let her in,
When I do it never ends,
She just pulls apart everything.[/B]I can't win.
Oohoohooh,
It's a sad thing don't you know,
When your heart is being pulled from logic by emotion.
And oohoohooh
It's a sad thing don't you know.
When you feel empathy,
Just replace her with me.
So human and so hurt and scared and sooo,
Well you know I'm gullible,
Well you know I know you know.-----------------------------------------
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I liked this one quite a lot. I could imagine you building this poem into song lyrics because it tells a short yet interesting tale, and I'm always interested in the issue of empathy.
Sometimes people's pain is so intense, and you feel it so much due to empathy, that it is hard to stay stable around them, I imagine. I think that's what your poem is describing: sometimes you need to shut them out to stay balanced yourself.
I think at the end of your poem you are saying that by being gullible the writer is perhaps going to let her in? Now I wonder! And who is she? Is this a real situation or imagined? Well, as you can see, I am interested in learning more, so the poem/lyrics have sucked me in. The storyline draws my attention.