suggestions/comments plz (lyric, Hang)

~~under~~ · 12-08-2007, 02:13 PM

You force your lifestyle in me, but there is no chance in success

this dimming light in my life has caused something to happen,
i cant conrtol where i go,
or what i tend to see.
why would you want to control it?
why would you need to approve of what i do or where i go?

giving me a call on something so futile,
is like little kids trying to tell you something,
that really isn't as important.

its my life that you seem to be controlling for me,
and its not working for me.
you make me feel pain and misery,
even when i dont need it.

you get me at my worst times,
especially when im in a state,
where i become an easy target.

so one question.
is it fun for you?

Dizzys in the wolf · 12-08-2007, 02:17 PM

Its a cool lyric, but theres nothing really special or not special, you need to get some punchlines in to it if you know what I mean. And maybe change some of the language like "fun" to something a bit stronger.

Ace · 12-08-2007, 03:20 PM

Too angsty.

~~under~~ · 12-09-2007, 08:25 PM

my poetry tends to be really angsty.

TheCaster · 12-09-2007, 08:44 PM

You force your lifestyle in me, but there is no chance in success

this dimming light in my life has caused something to happen,
i cant conrtol where i go,
or what i tend to see.
why would you want to control it?
why would you need to approve of what i do or where i go?
(change what i tend to see and keep your tenses the same)

giving me a call on something so futile,
is like little kids trying to tell you something,
that really isn't as important.
(beatiful stuff right here)

its my life that you seem to be controlling for me,
and its not working for me.
you make me feel pain and misery,
even when i dont need it.
(change not working for me, you sound like a pissy girlfriend, when i dont need it doesnt seem to fit too well with pain and misery, make it more sad)

you get me at my worst times,
especially when im in a state,
where i become an easy target.
( going into detail about the state might end up nice, not really neaded tho)

so one question.
is it fun for you?
(perfect way to wrap it up)

12-08-2007, 02:13 PM	#1 (permalink)
~~under~~ Account Disabled Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 1,056	suggestions/comments plz You force your lifestyle in me, but there is no chance in success this dimming light in my life has caused something to happen, i cant conrtol where i go, or what i tend to see. why would you want to control it? why would you need to approve of what i do or where i go? giving me a call on something so futile, is like little kids trying to tell you something, that really isn't as important. its my life that you seem to be controlling for me, and its not working for me. you make me feel pain and misery, even when i dont need it. you get me at my worst times, especially when im in a state, where i become an easy target. so one question. is it fun for you?

12-08-2007, 02:17 PM	#2 (permalink)
Dizzys in the wolf Music Addict Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: Ireland Posts: 158	Its a cool lyric, but theres nothing really special or not special, you need to get some punchlines in to it if you know what I mean. And maybe change some of the language like "fun" to something a bit stronger. __________________ There’s something about seeing this city at night Where we can say what we want and do what we like. These streets are empty but we don't feel alone, We can run in the dark and sleep on the roads.

12-09-2007, 08:44 PM	#5 (permalink)
TheCaster Music Rapist Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Somewhere in the U.S Posts: 400	You force your lifestyle in me, but there is no chance in success this dimming light in my life has caused something to happen, i cant conrtol where i go, or what i tend to see. why would you want to control it? why would you need to approve of what i do or where i go? (change what i tend to see and keep your tenses the same) giving me a call on something so futile, is like little kids trying to tell you something, that really isn't as important. (beatiful stuff right here) its my life that you seem to be controlling for me, and its not working for me. you make me feel pain and misery, even when i dont need it. (change not working for me, you sound like a pissy girlfriend, when i dont need it doesnt seem to fit too well with pain and misery, make it more sad) you get me at my worst times, especially when im in a state, where i become an easy target. ( going into detail about the state might end up nice, not really neaded tho) so one question. is it fun for you? (perfect way to wrap it up) __________________ A soul in tension thats learning to fly Condition grounded but determined to try Cant keep my eyes from the circling skies Tongue-tied and twisted just an earth-bound misfit

12-09-2007, 08:25 PM	#4 (permalink)
~~under~~ Account Disabled Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 1,056	my poetry tends to be really angsty.