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05-26-2010, 12:29 PM
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#101 (permalink) | |
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The Omniscient
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Reno, Nevada, USA
Posts: 998
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Quote:
Are you saying "Autobiograph-I!" is juvenille? If so, I won't disagree. I am aware that these are not the best lyrics, but it might make for an interesting song one day. Thanks for coming back and looking at my work, I appreciate it. Also, I'm glad to hear your mom's okay =). Last edited by Sljslj; 05-26-2010 at 09:20 PM. |
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05-26-2010, 05:42 PM
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#102 (permalink) |
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The Omniscient
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Reno, Nevada, USA
Posts: 998
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AWAKE YET?
Are you awake yet? Are you awake yet? 'Cause we are all set... To get outta here. Still you try to fake it... But you cannot shake it... This pain you feel everyday. And we're off... Whether you follow or not. Had enough... Is this what you've fought for? You're left behind... But I know you'll do just fine... When all is said and done. You'll be ready when you're ready... To get the hell outta here. And we're off... Whether you follow or not. Had enough... Is this worth fighting for? This is what you've fought for. What you get out of bed for. You're awake and... Done faking... You're awake and... Done faking... You're awake. Last edited by Sljslj; 04-24-2013 at 01:01 AM. |
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05-26-2010, 05:59 PM
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#103 (permalink) |
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The Omniscient
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Reno, Nevada, USA
Posts: 998
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This one's almost finished (like 80%).
SURE-PRIZE It's okay to die a little... Here and there. It's what keeps you truly alive. I was sure my prize was in my hands... When I looked again it had turned to sand. It seems I am nothing now, but I'm still a man. Surprises are for the excitible. Not for me, payer of the liars toll. Sold it all for a chance of something more. Sold it all, but I'll never sell my soul. It's okay to die a little... Here and there. It's what keeps you truly alive. I was sure my prize was in my grasp. When I looked again I'd gone from first to last. It seems I've got nothing now, but I've still got my past. |
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06-01-2010, 11:37 PM
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#104 (permalink) |
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The Omniscient
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Reno, Nevada, USA
Posts: 998
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SHEEP PAINTED BLACK
Hating just to hate. Hiding just to hide. Now I don't feel right. A poisonous snake... But the venom is dry. Sometimes I feel so fake. Perception... Lose sight of fate False impression Left desolate A fear of cliches A fear of their ways Is it justified? This avoidance of Every prosaism Fighting just to fight Sometimes I feel like Just another sheep Painted black over white Sometimes I feel so cheap. Need for Separation It suffocates False impression Leaves me desolate A fear of cliches. A fear of their way. Is it justfied? This avoidance of... Every prosaism. Last edited by Sljslj; 08-11-2016 at 04:26 PM. |
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06-03-2010, 03:44 AM
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#105 (permalink) | |
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Facilitator
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Where people kill 30 million pigs per year
Posts: 2,014
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Hello Sljslj,
I especially like these lines in your "Sheep painted Black" song: Sometimes I feel like... Just another sheep... Black painted over white. The idea of painting a white sheep black was new to me...an interesting variation on "sheep" themes in songs. Since I've used a sheep metaphor in a song recently, I enjoyed seeing your twist on the idea of the "black sheep." It is kind of funny/ironic for a song about wishing to be unique to use a cliche metaphor (the black sheep) for individuality, especially since at the end of the song you refer to having a "fear of cliches." I also like these lines: "A poisonous snake... But the venom is dry." Both the sheep and snake metaphors are strong visual images using animals, obviously. Would it be better to center the song around one rather than two such images, I ask myself? The contrast between the metaphors did make me think: sheep are usually seen as passive (but a black sheep, perhaps not); a poisonous snake is usually seen as dangerous, capable of striking (but this one is relatively harmless). I like that your song has a simple format and you get your idea across with relatively few words. The lines that I don't understand are the ones about separation, since I don't know what the of separation is from. Do you simply mean the feeling of trying to separate from the herd by trying to feel unique with special insights on the problems of humanity...even though many people may have these same insights that make them want to fight against the problems? The stanza that begins "is this just my fate" uses the word "just" three times. I felt that was a lot! The questions you pose in your song made me think more about the effect of questions in songs. They seem to push the listener away, now allowing her or him to simply be a voyeur on the happenings of the song. I'd rather just be a voyeur, I think. So, for example, if you wrote, "Maybe this is my fate," it would be posing the question without stating it as a question, and wouldn't demand an answer. The questions posed in your song make it seem very introspective (which your song already is...it is very inward-focused), but also more contrived to me, more rhetorical.
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06-08-2010, 05:40 PM
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#106 (permalink) |
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The Omniscient
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Reno, Nevada, USA
Posts: 998
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HEAVEN AT SEA
There's no savior for you No afterlife for you You've let sea sickness take your brain Rowboat of thought neglect and pain, Self-inflicted, you can't accept That your existance will be left You believe fairytales Deny observation Say you'll mend the torn sails... My ship of annhilation... If I make your god my captain... And you will be his parrot I'd rather sink than dock in your heaven There is no hope for you No more time left for you On this day, Jesus cannot save... You from this, your aquatic grave Logic resisted, ignorance The end of your existance You live by an old book Deny obvious truth You bring this crew of crooks... With bibles, can't fool the big blue Ocean does not discriminate Cthulhu, he will decimate... I prefer this fate to a life in your heaven You will never see heaven You will sleep with Poseiden You will never see heaven The sea becomes your prison There's no eternity No infinity You pursue paradise Lost island, unseen by all eyes No proof, but one can't call it lies... Or you pound your beliefs into them I hope you drown, in this, your newfound heaven You believe fairytales Deny observation Say you'll mend the torn sails... My ship of annhilation... If I make your god my captain... And you will be his parrot I'd rather sink than dock in your heaven
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06-09-2010, 06:23 PM
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#107 (permalink) |
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The Omniscient
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Reno, Nevada, USA
Posts: 998
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GET YOUR BALLS BACK
You say you have fallen in love... But when is delusion too much. She's got her hand in your pants now... Making you a puppet, holy cow. And your manhood's under attack... Go get your balls... Shrunken, so small. Go get your balls... Go get your balls back. Boy, what did your momma tell ya... Don't you be playing with fire. Look both ways when you cross the street... Get the hell out, you can't stand the heat... How's it feel, with an empty sack? Go get your balls... Stand up, don't crawl. Go get your balls... Go get your balls back. You are trash... Used for cash... Got no nuts... Got no guts... Got this slut... Had enough? When will you toughen... Up! Your woman is a vampire... Let her bite, as you cry her... To sleep, now's your chance, run away. Leave this hell you live everyday. Freedom gotchu high like crack. Go get your balls... Shrunken, so small. Go get your balls... Don't lose it all. Go get your balls... Stand up, don't crawl. Go get your balls back... Go get your balls back... Bitch!
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06-10-2010, 04:26 PM
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#108 (permalink) | |
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The Omniscient
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Reno, Nevada, USA
Posts: 998
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Quote:
I hadn't realized that I used "just" three times in that one part until you mentioned it, now I can't read it without dieing a little inside (not really). I want to fix it, but it's hard for me to edit a song that's already written because more often than not, it makes it just completely fall apart. I will try, though. I want to try to focus on one image, as you said, but I won't be surprised or necessarily disappointed if it doesn't turn out. It may be better for me to just forget this song and take the best parts to try to turn it into something new. I always appreciate your opinions, Erica. Thanks.
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Last edited by Sljslj; 06-10-2010 at 08:44 PM. |
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06-10-2010, 09:03 PM
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#109 (permalink) |
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The Omniscient
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Reno, Nevada, USA
Posts: 998
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Holy arsenal...
Jesus as a weapon. It's phemonenal... The way they can take... This beautiful concept... And make it a deathtrap. Sympathy they've felt... Manifests itself... Into grief dealt. Holy warfare... Ironic decimation. Hate labeled as peace... A demonic feast... In the name of God.
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Last edited by Sljslj; 07-31-2010 at 03:17 AM. |
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07-15-2010, 06:07 AM
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#110 (permalink) |
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The Omniscient
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Reno, Nevada, USA
Posts: 998
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Why can't I write?... I've been unable to write a single thing for over a month now, though it honestly feels like longer.
I really want to write, but I just can't. I'm not a great lyricist, but I enjoy it and I came up with some good stuff from time to time, even just in the few months I was posting my shit here. Anyway, since we got some intelligent folks here, I was just wondering if anyone had any advice for someone suffering from "writer's block".
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