The Batlord

A wise decision. Nile and Cryptopsy are pretty amazing brutal death metal bands, but Suffocation take the cake.

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The Batlord

Tad Will Kill You and Take Your Drugs

One night in the dead of winter, I was driving down the wooded back roads of Washington state and blasting 8-Way Santa in my El Camino, which is, of course, the most metal car known to man. I was high on meth and drinkin' a bottle of Jack Daniels' with a duffel bag full of heroin in the passenger seat that I was planning to sell to all the rednecks in the area. It was dark as shit and I could only see directly in front of me where my headlights were shining. All of a sudden, a pick up truck full of flannel clad rednecks pulled up alongside me to the left of my car. I immediately realized that they were the band Tad, and I knew that I was fucked, since everyone knows that Tad can smell drugs from a mile away, and they were obviously about to rob me and leave me for dead by the side of the road. I looked over at their truck and saw that their eyes were glowing an eerie shade of red. Yeah, I was fucked. That fat, greasy looking vocalist motherfucker was the one driving, and he turned to me and, in a raspy, inhuman voice spoke, "Give us the drugs...give us the drugs...give us the drugs." I flipped him off and pushed the gas pedal all the way to the floor, but they kept up with me. What kind of world are we living in when you can't even sell a little heroin in peace without a truck full of undead drug fiends trying to kill you?

Now, the fat fuck tried to ram my car from the side and knock me off the road, but this was useless since I was driving an El Camino, and I rammed him right back. It appeared that this was just a ploy to bring their truck close to my car, because two of the other band members jumped from the flat bed of their truck onto the flatbed of the El Camino. One of them punched out my back window and tried to grab me from behind while the other one tried to get into the car by crawling spider like around the outside and grabbing for the passenger door. I managed to evade the one trying to grab me and picked up the sawed off shotgun in the passenger seat. I then pointed the gun behind me while trying to keep my eyes on the road and fired. My ears were pierced by an inhuman screech that quickly receded into the distance. One down. The second one had finally succeeded in opening the passenger door and leaned into the car with a feral hiss. Not about to take this shit, I pointed my shotgun in his face, told him, "This is where you get off, freak!", and pulled the trigger. The blast hit him point blank, and his face exploded, drenching me in blood and brains. Bad ass. Two down.

Having dealt with these two, I turned back to Tad's truck, only to see the third creature leap onto the hood of my car. Fuck this shit. Crawling like a lizard on my hood, it punched a hole through my windshield, and tried to grab me like its companion, but my shotgun was out of ammunition so I could only evade him. To make things worse, fatboy started to ram me again, and with the other one obscuring my vision, I started to swerve. A lesser man would have panicked, but I was far too bitchin' for that, so I tried to think of a plan. Then, I noticed that the road ahead of me veered sharply to the right, and beyond that was a river that was frozen over with ice. Since the truck was to my left, it couldn't turn, so I kept going straight. When we reached the turn, both vehicles flew over the embankment and crashed into the ice. Soon, both my car and the truck started to sink into the freezing water. My car immediately began filling with water as I struggled to undo my seatbelt. Finally freeing myself, I grabbed the drugs, opened the door, and swam into the frigid water. I climbed onto the ice and looked back to see both vehicles submerged, but neither of the two members of the band were coming up, which wasn't surprising, since running water robs Tad of their powers. I knew that they weren't dead though, or the other two, for Tad do not die, and their hunger for drugs is eternal.

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Trollheart

Bloody hell Batlord! Does nothing interesting ever happen to you? You lead such a boring life...

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Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018

The Batlord

What can I say? It was a slow Tuesday.

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Unknown Soldier

The Tad episode was one your best yet, in fact the scenario kind of reminded me of the road scenes from "Race With the Devil" in which our intepid heroes were pursued by a bunch of fiendish devil worshippers (no different to heroin worshippers I guess)

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Metal Wars

Power Metal

Pounding Decibels- A Hard and Heavy History

The Batlord

1. Smells Like Rotting Flesh
2. In Brains
3. Come as You Are Being Devoured
4. Bleed
5. Lithium Turned Me Into a Zombie
6. Polly Tastes Like Chicken
7. Pussitorial Pissings
7. Brain You
8. Lounge Act of the Damned
9. Stay Away (I've Been Bitten)
10. On a Plain (Better Find Some High Ground)
11. Some Zombies In the Way

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The Batlord

I have learned that there is a music artist who is known as the Batlord. Obviously this is not acceptable. So I have sent him an email:

I expect his surrender shortly.

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Scarlett O'Hara

That is friggen awesome!

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The Batlord

I have received a response...

Reading between the lines I think it is obvious that this Scorpio person is terrified of my sheer kick assery. Out of kindness I shall spare him, for I am a merciful Lord.

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Unknown Soldier

Scorpio was the loco killer from the first ever Dirty Harry film, oh and look....he's finally got The Batlord as his prisoner.

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Metal Wars

Power Metal

Pounding Decibels- A Hard and Heavy History