The Batlord

The Return of the Kings of Metal: Part III

` ` `The Desert of Nephren-Ka was sandy. The Desert of Nephren-ka was hot. The Desert of Nephren-Ka sucked fucking balls. Whichever god had invented not-sucking-balls apparently didn't have much interest in the Desert of Nephren-Ka. I couldn't blame them. Now don't get me wrong, Nephren-Ka actually has quite a lot to offer the discerning traveler: mile upon mile of trackless desert punctuated only by the odd stony outcropping and a complete lack of vegetation, a sun intent on sexually violating you with an oppressive inferno quaintly described as "heat", and for company there is always at least a handful of vultures circling overhead and plotting your death.
` ` `After rescuing the troll Ort from the murderous intent of his verbally abusive fellow troll Gork and then beating him senseless when he tried to eat us, Oscar Dronjak, Joey Belladonna, Kerry King, and I, your illustrious host, had continued on down the road leading to the desert. Unless there is a thriving market in dust and aridity that I am unaware of, why anyone would build a road out to this shitturd beats the everloving fuck outta me. And why the fuck is there a desert in Germany?! Or Poland, or where ever the fuck this is? In any case, after a week or so of traveling on foot we finally entered the desert where we could now begin our search for the oracles Chris Hakius and Al Cisneros of Om to ask them the source of the poseur threat assailing the kingdom.

` ` `"So how are we supposed to find these douchebags anyway?" asked Joey as we trudged through the choking sand and dust of Nephren-ka on the crest of a wide, mountainous, windswept sand dune under the blinding glare of the midday sun.

` ` `"I don't know," I replied.

` ` `"What do you mean you don't know?"

` ` `"I mean I don't know."

` ` `"...You...you mean you dragged us all the way out to the fucking desert and you don't even know how to find them?"

` ` `"Nope."

` ` `"THEN WHERE THE FUCK ARE WE GOING?!"

` ` `"Don't know."

` ` `"WHA...BUT...GUH............HAVE I BEEN TAKING CRAZY PILLS OR SOMETHING?!"

` ` `"Calm down, my friend," soothed Oscar, "It is said that if you wish to find the oracles then you must travel to the heart of the desert, and if found worthy, they shall find you."

` ` `"And if they don't find us worthy?"

` ` `"We are True Metalheads of the Highest Caliber," I replied, "Of course they'll find us worthy."

` ` `"But if they don't?"

` ` `"Then we're fucked."

` ` `"Great. Our lives depend on the judgement of a couple of stoners."

` ` `Taking the latest in a long series of swigs from a large canteen of Jägermeister, Kerry snorted in intoxicated contempt, "What the fuck did you expect? Did you think our 'glorious leader' actually knows what the fuck he's doing?"

` ` `Stopping dead in my tracks, I spun around and fixed my eyes on Kerry. "What the fuck did you just say?" I demanded.

` ` `"You heard me, you fucking poseur!"

` ` `Oscar put his hand on Kerry's shoulder in a calming gesture, "Kerry my friend, you've over-indulged. You know not what you say."

` ` `Shaking him off Kerry bellowed, "Fuck off, dick beater! I know exactly what the fuck I'm saying to that Limp Bizkit-loving poseur motherfucker!" Turning to me he growled, "You've been acting like a pussy ever since we left on this god damn quest! You pussed out with those trolls! You pussed out not once, not twice, but three fucking times in Danzig! You even ran from some fucking farmer! We should be with our brothers fighting poseurs, but instead we're chasing our own dicks on this bullshit mission, and now we get to die of heatstroke in the middle of some Dio-forsaken desert! Fuck you and fuck your poseur bullshit!" Kerry was quivering with barely restrained rage by the time he was finished.

` ` `Oscar and Joey only stood by and watched, eyes wide as they waited to see what would happen.

` ` `Expressionless, my voice the whisper of steel, I lightly grasped Gram's hilt, "Call me a poseur one more time, and it'll be you raining blood."

` ` `Without hesitation Kerry ripped his ax and morning star from his belt and roared, "What the fuck are we waiting for then?!"

` ` `But just then Oscar jumped in between us as we squared off, staring each other down, "Stop this! The only ones who profit from this are the poseurs!"

` ` `With a snarl Kerry pointed his mace at Oscar, "Move! I'm gonna fucking pound that pussy!"

` ` `"Get out of our way, Oscar." I growled, "This is between me and fuck-for-brains. If he wants to die then let him."

` ` `"Uh...guys?"

` ` `"SHUT UP, JOEY!!!"

` ` `"Uh...I would, but we might just have a situation," and he pointed to a spot in the distance where there appeared to be a cloud of sand moving swiftly toward us.

` ` `"Cloud" is misleading. Rather than a swirling mass of sand, it was a churning wave at least twice as high and three times as wide as the height of a full grown man, that looked like it was being thrown up by something being propelled at a speed far too high to be any cloud.

` ` `And it was coming straight toward us.

` ` `"Dudes," said a worried Joey, "What the fuck is that?"

` ` `"That..." replied Oscar in wonder, "Is a sandworm, I believe. I had thought that they existed only in legends."

` ` `"Good legends or bad legends?"

` ` `"Are there any good legends?"

` ` `"No, I suppose not. So, I'm guessing that thing's gonna eat us?"

` ` `"So it would seem."

` ` `Our feud momentarily forgotten, Kerry and I watched the rapidly approaching plume of sand now accelerating up the dune with anticipation and trepidation, respectively. "Just how dangerous is that fucking thing?" I asked Oscar, never taking my eyes from the sandworm that was becoming less and less distant with every passing second.

` ` `"Considering the lack of verifiable reports of such creatures, I would imagine that they are quite dangerous. The only tales that exist claim that the only defense is to not be standing on sand."

` ` `"Well isn't that the most fucking useful thing I've ever heard?!" quipped Joey, "I mean it's not like we're standing in the middle of a fucking desert or anything!"

` ` `"The rocks!" I declared, pointing at a large outcropping about three times the size of a football field in the distance, "If we run, we might be able to make them!"

` ` `"Running again?!" Kerry cried in outrage, "I'm sick of this fucking poseur shit!"

` ` `"Shut the fuck up! We don't have time for this bullshit! Now move!"

` ` `Kerry's eyes were death, but he moved. We all ran like the wind along the ridge of the dune for those rocks. But no matter how swiftly we raced, the sandworm closed the distance at an alarming rate. Soon the surging wall of sand was almost upon us and the very earth beneath our feet began to tremble as it barreled down on us.

` ` `It was making straight for Joey.

` ` `"Faster, faster, must go fucking faster!" screamed Joey in near panic, "Fuck you, you fucking sandworm son of a bitch!"

` ` `No sooner had Joey spoken than the earth exploded, and something hidden in the cloud of sand and dust catapulted through the air toward him. What we glimpsed through the sand was a horror, larger than a bus and easily wide enough to fully engulf a man whole.

` ` `Miraculously, the creature overshot its mark, but it still rocked Joey with a glancing blow, hurling him through the air to crash into the sand in a boneless heap. Instead of smashing into the ground, the sandworm dove into the earth upon impact and began again to burrow through the dirt, making a wide arc around us to come around for another pass.

` ` `"JOEY!!!" we all cried in horror.

` ` `Upon reaching his motionless body Oscar bent down to examine him. "He is alive!" he exclaimed in relief, "Only unconscious. But we must move him quickly!"

` ` `"Kerry!" I shouted, turning to him, "Put him over your shoulders! Hurry up, that thing's coming back around!"

` ` `"Fuck that!" he roared in a rage, "No more running like pussies! I'm gonna kill that motherfucker while you've got your tail touching your cock!"

` ` `"God damn it, you retard! We don't have time for this bullshit!" But Kerry had turned his back on us to face the approaching sandworm with his feet planted in the sand and his ax held at the ready. "Fuck!" I cried in frustration, "Oscar, take Joey! I'll deal with this asshole!"

` ` `"Are you sure that is wise?" asked Oscar while lifting Joey onto his back.

` ` `"Shut the fuck up! Move! Now!"

` ` `He nodded and set off toward the outcropping at top speed. With one problem out of the way, I turned back to Kerry. "What are you, fucking moron? That thing's gonna swallow you whole and shit out what remains of your bones!"

` ` `"So be it," he replied, now strangely calm, "I'm not running anymore. I'd rather fucking die."

` ` `We still had time before the sandworm reached us, but it was quickly running out.

` ` `"You used to be the best," he continued, "You fought a dragon just for the fuck of it. You went to Wacken, believing you were gonna die, without giving a shit. And now look at you. A fucking pussy."

` ` `"I'm still the best. I've just got more important things to do now than just do whatever the hell I want. So do you."

` ` `But Kerry said nothing.

` ` `With a sigh I told him, "If you wanna die so bad, then fucking do it." Resigned, I stepped aside with only moments to spare before the worm attacked.

` ` `And then it was on him.

` ` `With horrified fascination I watched as the ground again erupted, and again the abomination hurled itself through the air with a faceless, gaping maw that held row upon row of massive teeth. From inside of its body came a wave of foul air that smell of corruption and even worse, unknowable filth that almost overwhelmed me.

` ` `At the last possible second, Kerry turned aside with the speed of a panther and brought up his ax to strike a blow to the worm's flank. But he still hadn't moved quickly enough, and its bulk slammed into him, throwing him violently to the ground with a bone-shattering impact. The shuddering of the earth created by the impact of the sandworm's body striking the ground almost brought me to my knees, but I managed to remain standing as it again burrowed into the ground to make yet another assault.

` ` `Rushing to Kerry's inert from lying face down in the sand, I knelt down and turned him over onto his back. His eyes fluttered open and he gave a painful groan. "If I get out of this alive, I'm gonna get a fucking gun and I'm gonna shoot every fucking earthworm I ever fucking see until the day I die."

` ` `"That's what you get, you fucking dumbass!" I replied in relief.

` ` `"Oh, we're butt buddies again? Fuck off. Shouldn't you be on that rock cleaning the shit out of your pants?" he growled in contempt. "Get the fuck away from me. If I'm gonna die like a True Metalhead then I don't want any fucking poseurs in my presence."

` ` `Coming to a decision, I took a deep breath and then let it out. Then I stood up and looked down at Kerry with a mocking smirk, "Die like a True Metalhead? All I saw was you getting your ass handed to you by Earthworm Jim over there. Why don't you lay there and do your best Christopher Reeve impression and let a real metalhead show you how it's done. You fucking pussy."

` ` `Kerry gave a pained laugh and winced, saying with wry humor, "I'm gonna laugh when that thing eats your bitch ass and shits out melange."

__________________

The Batlord

Return of the Kings of Metal: Part III continued...

` ` `Chuckling, I replied "I'm gonna laugh when I beat your fucking ass right after I kill this motherfucking worm."

` ` `With that I walked a short distance toward the worm that had now finished its turn and was accelerating straight toward me. Planting my feet apart and raising Gram over my head clenched in both hands, I closed my eyes and steadied my breathing. To put myself into a trance I began to recite the lyrics to Hammerfall's "The Way of the Warrior" as I had so many times before.




` ` `Soon, I was only half-aware of the words and the rest of the world around me, and I felt the Light of True Metal infuse my limbs with a power such as no poseur will ever know. The feeling was like the first time you ever got high, the first time you ever came in a woman, the first time you ever stood over the bruised and battered body of a schoolyard tormentor with blood dripping from your fist. It was all of these.




` ` `And yet they pale in comparison. This...this is something that most will only ever experience the first time they hear Judas Priest.




` ` `The first time they taste blood in the mosh pit.




` ` `The first time they see someone walking down the halls at school wearing an Iced Earth t-shirt and know that they are not alone.

Turn you own deeds to his gracious glory

` ` `This is the Light of True Metal. But a True Metalhead of the Highest Caliber, this is one who can channel the Light at will. To one such as he, all obstacles are as nothing.

And he will make you see

` ` `Dimly I felt the ground beneath me begin to shudder, but it was the earth-shattering vibration of a Gibson Flying V guitar erupting from a Marshall stack.




` ` `I heard the explosion of earth and sand, but it was merely the crushing blast of a riff so powerful that the stars themselves shook with fear.




` ` `I felt the fetid wind swirl around me in all of its foulness, but it was the smell of beer and sweat and piss that runs beneath the cries of supplication and raised fists of five hundred True Metalheads packed tight into a tiny shithole of a club.




` ` `Almost of their own volition, my eyes snapped open, and I was staring into the cavernous gullet of the great worm. For a moment, it was as if Eternal Nightmare had come to life. And then the Light of True Metal reached a crescendo within me and I brought down my sword with all of the power and glory of forty-three years of True Metal history. There was a flash of blinding light and the deafening crack of thunder and almost in slow motion the beast split into two perfect halves.




` ` `I stood motionless, sword lowered at an angle to the ground, seeing-but-not-seeing the remains of the sandworm sail past me to either side, never touching me. In my trance state, the sight of its internal organs, still perfectly held within its perfectly bisected body, filled me with detached loathing and a vague fascination before finally passing beyond my sight.




` ` `Still only semi-aware, I again felt the Earth tremble as the corpse of the creature struck the ground before skidding to a halt in a hail of sand and grit. Finally, drawing a shuddering breath into my now empty lungs, I came back to the world.




` ` `Turning around, I saw that the sandworm lay in a great heap over twenty yards behind me. It looked like it was deflating as its innards oozed out of the two halves of its body to form a repulsive pool of viscera. The hideous stench was already staggering.

` ` `"Holy fucking shit!" I heard off to my right. Looking over, I saw Kerry stagger to his feet and take a few wobbling steps steps toward me, "I'll never call you a fucking poseur ever again! You were literally just glowing with the Light of True Metal! I've never seen anything the fuck like it. At least not from just one dude." The look he gave me when he reached me was one of profound respect and awe. "So, how do you feel?" he asked.

` ` `"I feel like I just nutted in a bitch and now I need a fucking cigarette," and I pulled out my pack of Marlboros and lit up the best god damn cigarette I'd ever had in my life.

` ` `"Hell yeah," he replied with a grin, "Think you can do it again?"

` ` `"What, nut?" I asked, releasing a cloud of gloriously noxious smoke, "Please, I've always got enough to go around."

` ` `"Good," he said, pointing behind me.

` ` `Turning around I saw a deep valley of sand in between the dunes. In the distance, in the center of the valley, were five churning trails of sand approaching at high speed.

` ` `I looked at Kerry. Kerry looked at me. We both smiled.

` ` `"Glory to the brave, Kerry."

` ` `"Glory to the brave, dude."

` ` `Standing side by side, with our heads held high, and our weapons held at the ready, we faced this new threat with the pride of True Metalheads and the Light of True Metal shining upon our brows.

` ` `But as the worms reached the lowest point of the valley, the earth began to shake as it had never before. The savage violence of the tremor threw us to the ground and we watched the valley floor on our hands and knees as the desert itself seemed about to tear itself apart. In horror we saw the sand around the worms, and in the entire valley, begin to empty, as if a great drain in the desert had just been opened. They tried desperately to escape the downward flow, leaping from the sand like salmon hurdling a waterfall, but they soon disappeared into the great avalanche. The heaving of the earth had been steadily increasing the entire time, and now the ground of the valley gave an ear-splitting crack and something began to rise from its depths. At the center of this...thing, was a great emptiness, an emptiness that rose ever higher into the air, surrounded by a curtain of falling sand. The great sandworm was immense beyond all imagining. It could almost have swallowed whole the rock where Oscar and Joey now waited. When it had finished its ascent, it dwarfed the mountainous dunes around it and towered over Kerry and I.
` ` `Having now consumed its diminutive cousins and a great sea of sand besides, the desert leviathan began to close its terrible maw, and even as it shut, the earth trembled. And then it slowly began to descend back into the ground from whence it came. We continued to stare in terrified fascination until the sandworm had fully submerged back into the earth, leaving an immense hole that began to collapse before our very eyes and ever so slowly fill with sand.

` ` `Turning to each other, eyes wide, Kerry tentatively asked, "Run?"

` ` `"Run," I replied, feeling very, very, very small.

` ` `Wasting no more time, we scrambled on our hands and knees before finally managing to make it to our feet and run headlong, tails touching our cocks, for the rocky outcropping and blessed safety as fast as our legs could carry us.

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Trollheart

God-damn it! Don't stop writing! Type till your fingers are bloody nubs! I must know what happened! Mind you I'm disappointed the troll didn't come with you when you saved him, and that you didn't write about it, but this epic battle (ever hear of "Tremors"?) has it all! Gotta have more! More! MORE!!!!! NOW!!!

__________________
Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018

The Batlord

Please. If anything it was Dune that ripped me off. Damn Frank Herbert.

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Unknown Soldier

When I've been reading this story and the mention of medieval Germany I always think of this film. The Last Valley (1970 film) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
It hasn't got a desert but it has a secret valley and is in Germany and with all kinds of great characters

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Metal Wars

Power Metal

Pounding Decibels- A Hard and Heavy History

The Batlord

The Return of the Kings of Metal: Part IV

` ` `"I spy, with my little eye, something that is...yellow."

` ` `"Joey," I responded in resigned exasperation, "If it's fucking sand again, I'm gonna fucking feed you to the fucking sandworms."

` ` `"It's not sand, I swear."

` ` `"...Joey?"

` ` `"Yes?"

` ` `"Is it sand?"

` ` `"...Yes."

` ` `Sigh.

` ` `Having witnessed the horror of the giant sandworm, Kerry, Oscar, Joey, and I fled to the safety of the great outcropping of rock nearby, where we had been waiting...alright, hiding, for the past several hours. Luckily the outcropping was massive; one hundred yards around, and forming a wide, hundred foot tall, mountainous spire of jagged stone in the center that protected us from the sandworms and the blistering heat of the sun...or at least it would in an hour or so when the sun had moved enough to actually allow for some shade. In the meantime, as we all sat against the base of the rock spire in the half-foot of shade it now provided, Joey, who had made a depressingly speedy recovery, was helping me to..."pass the time".

` ` `"Alright, now it's your turn to spy something."

` ` `"...No? Alright, I'll go again. I spy, with my little eye, something that is...red."

` ` `Slap!

` ` `"OOOWWW, FUCK!!!"

` ` `"Is it your sunburn?"

` ` `"Oh, fuck you, dude! And yes."

` ` `"As entertaining as your little 'game' is," interjected Oscar, "Perhaps it is time that we devise a plan to escape this accursed rock. We must find the oracles, and here we will find only slow death."

` ` `"Maybe it's time you go fuck yourself!" spat Kerry, "If you wanna get turned into melange by some demon worm, then be my fucking guest."

` ` `"I thought that you would 'rather die' than run from the sandworms," politely sneered Oscar, "Why the change of heart?"

` ` `Leaping to his feet with a deadly rage, Kerry roared at Oscar, "Are you calling me a fucking coward?! If you were any other man I'd fucking kill you where you sat! I'll fight anything that can be fought! But that thing..." Then with a faraway look toward the desert, he sat down and said no more.

` ` `"Both of you, shut the fuck up!" I bellowed, "Kerry's right. There's no point in going out into that fucking deathtrap if we're just gonna get sucked up by one of those monsters."

` ` `"So, what the fuck do we do?" asked a worried Joey, "Oscar's right. If we stay here it's just a question of whether or not we run out of water before we get heatstroke."

` ` `"We wait for Chris Hakius and Al Cisneros to make themselves known."

` ` `"And how do you know they'll show up?"

` ` `"I have faith in the Light of True Metal."

` ` `"Oh. More faith. Goody."

` ` `Ignoring Joey's disturbing lack of faith, I clasped my hands behind my head against the burning rock, closed my eyes, and waited...for something.

` ` `Mercifully, the shadows around us soon lengthened, and in the shade the godforsaken heat became merely godflipped-off. Eventually, as the sun neared the horizon the temperature even became almost pleasant...before becoming ball-shrivellingly cold once the sun finally set. But we were True Metalheads, Defenders of the Faith till the day we died, and we braved the cold as we had the heat, with contemptuous stoicism.
` ` `After the sun set, and the glimmering blanket of stars settled over the sky, with nothing much better to do Joey decided to go explore the many crags and crevices in the rock formations. As for myself I was laying on my back on the exposed stone staring up at the numberless stars and contemplating Megadeth's newest album when Oscar sat down beside me.

` ` `After several moments he spoke, "I have as much faith in the Light of True Metal as you, my friend, but it is time that we face reality. Our supply of water is quickly running short. Even with rationing it will not last another day, and there is little hope that there is any to be found in the entire desert. We may fall prey to the worms if we leave this rock, but if we do not then it is a certainty that we shall be deadmen by sunset tomorrow."

` ` `I was quiet for almost an entire minute, and Oscar looked like he was about to say more when I responded, "If nothing happens by daybreak, then we leave. There's no point in setting off into the pitch black desert anyway. We'd just end up separated or breaking our necks falling down a sand dune." With a wicked smile I added, "Not to mention you'd probably just use the dark to do the Five-Knuckle Shuffle."

` ` `"What makes you think that I have not already?" he replied with what I assumed in the darkness to be a matching grin.

` ` `"You know, that might not be such a bad idea. I'd hate to die with one stuck in the chamber."

` ` `"You mean to tell me that you haven't managed to locate a disease-ridden harlot or a moonstruck young farm girl to deflower yet? I do believe that you are slipping."

` ` `But before I could mock his self-abuse any further we heard the sound of scrambling and scrabbling over the rocks behind us, followed by a thud and an expletive. "Hey, Joey! What'd we talk about? Either gum or walking. Not both."

` ` `"Shut up, fuckwad!" his voice indignantly replied from somewhere in the inky darkness, "Hey, get your asses over here! I found something!"

` ` `"Joey, this better not be more sand!"

` ` `"It's not sand, god damn it! Just hurry the fuck up"

` ` `Joey led us around the western edge of the outcropping along the broad face of the stone spire. The moon gave off a soft light that was enough to see by, but only just, so the going was slow and careful. After about ten minutes of climbing and stumbling over half-seen rocks we came upon a stream of light that appeared to be shining out of a hole in the sheer, stone wall beside us from about thirty feet away.

` ` `"Joey, what the fuck is that shit?" asked Kerry.

` ` `"Fuck if I know."

` ` `"What?! You mean you brought us all the way out here and you don't know what the fuck that is?!"

` ` `"Do I look bent to you?! I didn't go up to the fucking thing. As soon as I saw that light I booked it and got my happy ass back to you guys."

` ` `"You fucking pussy!"

` ` `"Retard!"

` ` `"Oh my god, why don't you people ever shut the fuck up?! I feel like I'm babysitting autistic chimps!" I interjected holding up my hand for silence, "We searched this whole rock hours ago, so how the fuck didn't we see some kind of opening?"

` ` `"Stranger and stranger," replied Oscar with a shrug.

` ` `"Stop fucking saying that!" I shot back, "We've gotta see what the fuck that is. Joey, go along the outside edge of the outcropping till you've got a clean shot at the opening from a safe distance and then signal us if it's all clear. Oscar, go with Joey and try to get around to the other side of that thing so we can cover it from both sides. Kerry, cover me while I come at the opening from this side."

` ` `Silently, Joey and Oscar set out and swung wide of the hole in the rock face along the edge of the outcropping, staying low and keeping out of sight. The light from the opening kept them visible, but they were still like wraiths as they glided over the barren terrain of the desert night. When they reached a spot opposite the hole they dropped to the ground and paused for a few long moments before Joey signaled the "all clear", after which he knelt and notched an arrow to his bow, waiting, while Oscar continued on and finally became lost in the darkness.
` ` `Drawing Gram I turned to Kerry, who had already drawn his ax and morning star, and nodded. Cautiously we crept up to the opening in the cliff wall, alert to any danger. As we slowly came closer and closer I saw that the light that spilled out of the hole in a long, flickering swath across the ground was the orange and yellow and red of flame. The opening itself appeared to be an empty doorway; rectangular, perfectly cut, and no taller and no wider than was necessary to admit one man at a time. Now close to the opening, Oscar, sword in hand, materialized out of the shadows on the far side, and nodded to me. Positioning ourselves to either side of the doorway I held Gram in both hands, took a deep breath, released it, and cautiously and slowly stepped out in front of the entrance.
` ` `Nothing. The light was coming from a torch set in a bracket in the smooth, stone wall of the short tunnel beyond the doorway. At the end of the tunnel, which was no more than ten yards long, was a staircase cut into the rock. The ceiling sloped down at the stairwell, so it was impossible to tell what was beyond.

` ` `"What in the name of fuck is that?"

` ` `With my concentration in front of me I jumped at the sound of the voice behind me. Annoyed, I turned around to find Joey standing directly behind me. "Well, maybe it's just the grain alcohol talking but it looks to me like a set of fucking stairs," I replied sarcastically.

` ` `"Well duh," he shot back, "But how the fuck did it get there? There's no way we missed that. That shit has gotta be magic."

` ` `"Well duh," I responded, my attention back on the doorway, "So, if there are no objections, we'll go in."

` ` `"If there are no objections?!" screamed Joey, dumbfounded, "Are you on bathsalts?! We don't know where those stairs go! We don't know who put them there! It coulda been that same poseur bitch who turned Danzig into Romero's wet dream!"

` ` `"Quit being a fucking pussy!" said Kerry, "We gotta get off this damn rock somehow."

` ` `"Good idea," retorted Joey, "And if we get lost down there your piss trail'll lead us all the way back out and to the sandworm!"

` ` `With a roar Kerry lunged at Joey who danced out of the way with a raspberry and a middle finger.

` ` `With a sigh I put a restraining arm on Kerry's shoulder and said, "It doesn't matter what's down there. If it's some poseur trap then we're probably still better off than with the sandworms. Besides, I don't think this is the work of poseurs."

` ` `"You believe that we are being led to Chris Hakius and Al Cisneros?" asked Oscar.

` ` `"I do," I responded with conviction, "The Light of True Metal has never failed me and I know that it won't this time either. We have been waiting for sign of the oracles, and this must be it."

` ` `Oscar and Kerry both nodded, but still they gripped their weapons. So did I for that matter.

` ` `"What's with you and all this faith all of a sudden?" asked Joey in annoyance, "I thought you were an atheist."

` ` `"Having faith in an invisible man is one thing," I replied, "Having faith in True Metal is quite another."

` ` `With a resigned sigh Joey relented, "Alright, fine. Let's go get dismembered by poseurs or giant spiders or Bigfoot or whatever."

` ` `Steeling ourselves, we entered the tunnel and started down the steps, myself on point, Oscar as rearguard, Joey just behind me with an arrow notched, followed by Kerry. The stairs were pitch black so I had taken the torch from the doorway in my left hand and Gram in my right. The flickering light revealed only shadows and more steps in the claustrophobic staircase as we descended further and further into the Earth. The walls pressing in on us seemed to be made out of the same dark stone as the outcropping and were as smooth and perfectly cut as the doorway and the tunnel behind us. For ten minutes...twenty minutes...half an hour, we continued our descent, but the staircase showed no signs of ending, no signs of deviating in any way. Yet eventually the cold, stale air began to become warm and even slightly humid. Still it led us down and down. The heat and humidity slowly became more pronounced, until we began to sweat.

` ` `"Well this is awesome," said Joey, voice dripping with sarcasm and perspiration as he flapped his shirt against his chest to keep cool, "I was just thinking about how much I missed sweating my balls off in the desert. Good thing we found this soggy shithole."

` ` `And indeed it had become stifling in the airless staircase, and my sodden Morbid Angel shirt was soon plastered against my godlike chest.

` ` `"Fuck this shit," I exclaimed pulling the shirt over my head and stuffing it through my studded belt. "I'm hot, I need to piss, and I can't smoke a cigarette with these damn things in my hands," I said shaking the sword and the torch, "If those motherfuckers from Om don't show themselves soon I'm gonna introduce a Doc Marten to their colons."

` ` `The others soon followed suit, exposing the manly perfection of their glorious physiques; Joey with his Killers shirt, Kerry with his Venom Black Metal shirt, and Oscar with his Holy Diver shirt. Looking no less stoic and dignified as he wiped the sweat from his brow, Oscar added with only the slightest hint of discomfort, "This terrible heat is certainly strange. I have never been this deep underground, but I imagine that even if we were near a magma flow it would produce only a dry heat. This humidity seems...unnatural."

` ` `After several more minutes of our descent, a breeze began to drift up from the seemingly bottomless steps below us. But if anything, this breeze was even more sweltering than the air around us. With this breeze came the scent of fresh vegetation, but also of corruption and decay.

` ` `"Do you smell that shit?" rumbled Kerry, "If I didn't fucking know any better, I'd say there was a jungle at the end of that staircase."

` ` `With a look of scorn Joey asked him, "Do you think about what you say before you say it, or do you just treat your mouth like a second shithole?"

` ` `"Fuck you, you cunt!" roared back Kerry, "I just said it smelled like a jungle! I didn't say it was a fucking jungle, you Vince Neil-sounding son of a bitch!"

` ` `"Hey, At least my last album wasn't World Painted Blood!" countered Joey, "I'm surprised you didn't get fined for leaving that dog turd lying around!"

` ` `"Hey! John Bush called! He wants his band back!" retaliated Kerry.

` ` `"Oh my god!" I yelled, "Would you two women quit hissing at each other?! I'm trying to go down some stairs here!"

` ` `"My friends?" interjected Oscar.

` ` `"What?!" the rest of us shouted.

` ` `"I believe that there may be a light at the end of the tunnel," he stated, pointing down the staircase.

` ` `Looking down we all saw that there was indeed a glimmer of light, a pinpoint really, weakly shining from what was hopefully the bottom of the staircase.

` ` `"See what you did, Kerry?" exclaimed Joey, "You're always distracting everybody with your bullshit."

` ` `"What?!"

` ` `"SHUT UP!!!"

__________________

The Batlord

The Return of the Kings of Metal: Part IV continued...

` ` `With renewed vigor we all redoubled our efforts to reach the end of the stairway. When we finally came to the last step I thrust my torch through the small doorway at the bottom. The flickering light revealed only a cracked and worn marble floor covered in a carpet of dust, and beyond and above, where the flames failed to reach, was a dark nothingness. Cautiously we stepped out onto the obviously ancient marble, buried by time and dust, and marveled at what was obviously a vast hallway. Freed of the confines of the stairwell, the illumination provided by the torch still only barely managed to reach the great walls to either side of us made of white stone that glimmered in shades of yellow and red from the glow of the flames, but before us was an endless gulf of blackest night. Lining the walls at regular intervals we could just make out the massive feet and legs of great, towering statues made of the same stone as the walls that disappeared into the darkness above us.
` ` `In wonder I slowly stepped closer to one of the colossal statues and raised up the torch to illuminate it in all of its grandeur. I barely came up to its ankles. Above me soared perfectly chiseled, muscular legs that led up to a massive torso covered in the robes of a king. At the far reaches of the torch's light, it's contours wreathed in flickering light and shadows, was a face. Proud, powerful, regal. On its chin was a great beard, perfectly trimmed and yet somehow wild. Its eyes held a profound wisdom while projecting the strength to command great armies. On its brow rested a magnificent crown.
` ` `But most awe-inspiring of all were its arms. Its left rested upon a stone sword, but its right was extended straight out in front and slightly raised so that the statue's eyes rested on its hand with a stoic intensity. The hand's middle and ring fingers were folded and held in place by the thumb, while the fore and little fingers pointed outward towards the opposite statue.
` ` `As my eyes drank in the majesty of this king, preserved in stone for all time, I felt the Light of True Metal swell within me until my entire being, from head to toe, sang with its glow. From the gasps of my companions behind me I knew that I was not alone in this wondrous sensation. And even as I was filled with the Light, the statue towering before me began to glimmer with its own inner Light. Before our very eyes every statue in the cavernous hall, of which there were at least twenty, began to dimly glow so that it was lit by a faint radiance that finally allowed us to see it in its entirety. Even with this new illumination the hall was still veiled in gloom, but it was less forbidding that it had been, and there was now an odd sense of peace about it that seemed to be linked with the Light of True Metal emanating from the statues.
` ` `Yet the hall was a ruin. The rest of the floor was as we had already seen; cracked, covered in a thick coat of dust, and it had even buckled in places, leaving great holes. The walls had been stained by ages of grime and filth until they had become sad and grey. They still stood firm, but great cracks had appeared, and here and there were rents where the stone had fallen into piles of rubble on the floor. The high, vaulted ceiling was also intact, and obviously of masterful craftsmanship, but large roots had forced their way through, undermining its integrity until it looked to be standing only by its own willpower and determination. But no grime, no dust, no crack touched the statues. By all appearances they stood as they must have stood since the day they were first made.

` ` `In awe Oscar turned in a slow circle, taking in everything around him, "By all the Metal Gods, what is this place? I feel the light of True Metal emanating from every stone. Even in ruin there is more power in this hall than anywhere I have ever been..."

` ` `None of us had any answer for him.

` ` `Turning to Joey I asked, "So, still think this is a poseur trap?"

` ` `He could only shake his head, speechless as he gazed about him in amazement.

` ` `Setting the now useless torch on the ground I looked to the end of the hall, faint with distance. From a wide doorway opposite the one we had just exited, I saw the light of yet another torch which had obviously been the source of the weak light we had glimpsed from the stairs.

` ` `"Dudes," I said, pointing to the far doorway, "I think we're expected."

` ` `This time there were no objections as we started down the long hallway. The hands of the statues, extended in supplication to True Metal, formed an arch along with the statues opposite them that soared over our heads as we passed underneath. Although the statues were identical in height and clothing, each of their faces was unique, but they all projected the same power and nobility. Walking between them we saw corridors choked with rubble and cobwebs leading into pitch black darkness where we could hear the skittering sound of rats.

` ` `Voice hushed in reverence, Kerry asked, "Hey, I thought we were under the desert. How in the name of Dio can all this be under the desert?"

` ` `"Not even the greatest Defender of the Faith can ever truly understand all the power of True Metal," replied Oscar, "All we can do is bask in its brilliance."

` ` `Eventually we came to the end of the hall and reached the doorway where we were assailed by a wall of oppressive heat that was just as sweltering as the stairway. Indeed the hall itself had been no less stifling, and yet somehow we had not felt it. Now that we were leaving though, the heat returned with a vengeance. With one last regretful glance at the great hall we entered the doorway.
` ` `Beyond was a high, wide corridor of yet more of the same white stone. The walls were carved with beautiful reliefs depicting unfamiliar scenes of battles and ceremonies and celebrations. The faces of the men and women set in stone were as majestic as those of the magnificent kings in the hall, and the flickering light of the torch set in the bracket by the entrance made them seem alive in all of their glory. The ceiling above us was likewise vaulted, though not nearly so high. All of this led to a great set of double doors made of oak and gilded in gold and silver. But the carvings were covered in layers of dust, the ceiling cracked, the doors dull with grime and filth. Yet we marveled at the faded grandeur around us all the same.
` ` `As we left the hall and came ever closer to the doors, the Light of True Metal that had filled us so completely in the hall began to fade, though it never truly left us. Yet, the Light that remained became laced with a profound sadness, as of a great tragedy. The joy and wonder that we had felt gradually turned into dread.
` ` `Eventually we came to the great doors and stopped, gazing at them with an impatience to continue our journey, but also a reluctance to leave the hall and all of its wonders.

` ` `Finally I gave a regretful sigh and declared, "Well, there's no time like the past. Kerry, help me get these damn doors open."

` ` `"Why thank you, kind sir," quipped Joey, "It warms my heart to see a doorman so committed to his duties."

` ` `"Shut up, Joey."

` ` `It was nice to see that things were back to normal.

` ` `Grabbing hold of great iron rings we pulled mightily at the doors, but the hinges had long since gone to rust and refused to budge. But with the strength granted to us by the Light of True Metal still within us, they eventually gave an ear-splitting shriek and slowly began to swing open, inch by inch.
` ` `When they were finally open enough to admit us, I dropped the iron ring and turned to my companions, but both Oscar and Joey stood rooted to their spots with matching looks of thunderstruck amazement. Peering through the doorway in confusion I gasped in utter shock at what I saw beyond.

__________________

Anteater

I prefer my True Metal spelled Trvue or Tr00 personally.

Furthermore as a R34L Metalhead, I shall dare to blaspheme that Dream Theater's Images & Words and Awake are both delicious metal pastries. Dem keyz....mmmmn.

En finale...I apologize for not following your glorious writings extensively until this very day. Also, I'm currently doing an artist spotlight on Crimson Glory on my new journal if you care to partake in headbanging revelry and blood-churning discourse upon the subject.

Glory to the dark, webbed wings that fly by day...and rule by night!

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Anteater's 21 Fav Albums Of 2020

Anteater's Daily Tune Roulette

The Batlord

Hmph. Cartoonish doggerel. True Metal is no joke and must be taken completely seriously.

Eh. They do have their moments.

Now this I can get behind. The second best power metal band of the eighties, after Helloween (since Manowar were heavy metal in the eighties), deserves some much needed recognition.

__________________

The Batlord

The Return of the Kings of Metal: Part V

` ` `The sight beyond the doors of the hall was awe-inspiring. Before us was what must once have been a massive chamber. The floor that spread out to either side of us spoke of vastness and was made of the same cracked and worn marble as the hall behind us. But the floor in front of us had collapsed completely, taking most of the ceiling and surrounding walls with it, and leaving an area not more than fifty feet across, ending in a jagged ruin precariously suspended over open space. Through the unencumbered view, the dazzling rays of the sun burned into eyes accustomed to gloom, blinding us with their glare. We had entered the staircase no later than midnight and no more than an hour had passed, yet somehow the full light of day shone down on this place. Once our eyes had adjusted we saw to our further astonishment that beyond the jutting floor, and underneath a cloudless, crystal blue sky, was revealed a jungle, a rainforest no less, alive with the howls of monkeys, the chattering of a multitude of birds, and the buzzing of innumerable insects. From our relative position to the canopy of trees below us we knew that we must be several hundred feet in the air as we stared out over a jungle that stretched out before us as far as the eye could see. But even from this height we could make out great towers and edifices of the same white stone as the hall in various states of decay. The jungle had all but reclaimed many, but many more still stood, though they were so decrepit and mired in filth and creeping vines that some almost appeared to be trees themselves.
` ` `Our amazement was such that at first we were mindless of the intense, equatorial heat that assailed us, but it soon brought us crashing back to our senses.

` ` `"Toto..." said Joey in astonishment, "I don't think we're in the Polish desert anymore."

` ` `We had been so intent on the sights beyond the chamber that we did not even see the figures before us, but we now noticed them for the first time. They sat motionless, facing us side-by-side in the lotus position, wearing robes of the purest white, on a protruding outcropping of marbled floor, heedless of the plunging drop only a few short yards from their backs. In fact, they seemed unaware of any of their surroundings, and only continued to sit stock-still, hands resting on their knees, staring straight ahead without giving even the slightest acknowledgement to our presence. Strangest of all though, were the many small, burning braziers surrounding each of them in tight circles from which rose lazily billowing clouds of thick smoke that partially obscured the two men. The sharp, skunky odor of the dankest of weeds that I had ever known emanating from them left little doubt as to what was being burned.

` ` `"They, uh...they don't seem to know we're here," remarked Joey, "Should one of us, I don't know, say something to them? Whoever they are?"

` ` `Looking nervously amongst ourselves, Oscar, Joey, and Kerry eventually turned to me and and shoved my forward. I looked back at them with an annoyed glare, and they grinned reassuringly, giving me a "thumbs up". I flipped them the bird. Wiping sweat from my forehead I took a step forward and called out to the silent men on the precipice, "Hey! Meditating dudes! Watcha doin'?!"

` ` `Nothing.

` ` `Stymied, I gazed at them for several moments before turning to my companions and waving them forward.

` ` `They gave me a thumbs up.

` ` `Glowering at them, I snapped, "Get the fuck over here!" pointing down at the ground beside me.

` ` `Reluctantly, they finally joined me, and Joey tentatively asked, "So, uh...what the fuck is up with the Burnouts of Enlightened Ascension over there?"

` ` `His hand stroking his chin in thought, Oscar ventured, "The smoke obscuring them makes it impossible to be sure, but I believe that they must be the oracles Chris Hakius and Al Cisneros. I can think of no other possibility. I do not think that the Light of True Metal would be so strong in this place were it a haven for poseurs."

` ` `"But why the fuck are they just sitting there not doing anything," asked Kerry, "They're giving me the creeps."

` ` `"Those weirdos are always going on about spirituality and reaching new levels of consciousness and dropping acid for Jesus or whatever," I replied, "As high as they must be they're probably halfway to the moon by now."

` ` `Scratching his head in confusion, Joey asked, "But why do they have to come all the way out here just to get baked? Why don't they just do it on their work break like normal people?"

` ` `"This place is alive with the Light of True Metal," replied Oscar, "Perhaps they are drawing on its energies to enhance their powers as oracles."

` ` `Almost timidly, we approached to within ten feet of the two men, but were prevented from coming any further by the smoke. Even from this distance, the casually wafting tendrils of weed smoke were almost overpowering. For even True Metalheads of the Highest caliber such as ourselves, to stand in the middle of those braziers would likely have led only to utter madness.

` ` `Holy fuck!" exclaimed Joey, holding his hand to his mouth and nose, "I'm high as hell already! Those dudes aren't human to be able to sit in the middle of that shit!"

` ` `And then, as if by magic, the hazy veil of smoke in front of their faces parted...

` ` `They were indeed Chris Hakius and Al Cisneros of Om, Sacred Oracles of the Light of True Metal, seers of the unseen and knowers of the unknown. Expressionless, eyes ever staring forward at a point not of this world, Chris Hakius spoke...

` ` `"Finally, you have come, as I have long foreseen. Four who are blessed by the Light of True Metal. Four who would defend True Metal in its direst need."

` ` `Other than his speech Chris Hakius showed no more sign that he was aware of our presence than before. Then, in the same manner as his fellow, Al Cisneros carried on from where the other had left off, as if their thoughts originated from the same source...

` ` `"You have sought me out to acquire the knowledge of True Metal. I shall waste no more time. Ask your questions. I shall answer."

` ` `Clearing my throat nervously, I asked, "So, uh...oracle dudes, where in the Holy Name of Everloving Fuck are we?"

` ` `For several seconds the oracles sat silent in contemplation. However, as soon as I asked my question, the tendrils of smoke languorously curling about them began to...twitch, as if alive. Finally, Chris Hakius solemnly spoke...

` ` `"You now sand in what was once the throne room of the Palace Metalium, seat of power of the lost True Metal Kingdom of Metaliana."

` ` `"The room from whence you have come," continued Al Cisneros, "Was the Hall of the Kings. The statues enshrined within are effigies of the great Kings of Metal who once ruled over this land. Each one is filled with a small part of their essences, so that the Light of True Metal that was within them, such as the world has never known since, will always remain on this Earth."

` ` `"Their power is magnified by the presence of those within whom the Light of True Metal is strong," spoke Chris Hakius, "You saw how they glimmered just with the four of you near. When Metaliana still flourished, and this city was filled with thousands upon thousands of the Truest Metalheads that have ever lived, the statues shone as the sun, and the hall remained bright as day even in blackest night. The power of the Light of True Metal that you felt once spread far and wide, so that all mankind was filled with it, and the Light of the statues grew even greater. All the world was a paradise for True Metal under their Light, without hate, without war, without suffering."

` ` `For a time we were silent after the oracles had finished, and then Oscar, whose head was bent in thought, gazed up and addressed them, "Great Ones, what you speak of is almost too fantastic to believe. How can such a kingdom have existed and not be known to us?"

` ` `Again there was a long pause before the oracles gave their reply, and again the smoke shifted and convulsed around them, seemingly with a mind of its own. Eventually, Al Cisneros began to speak...

` ` `"Since the day that life began on this planet over two billion years ago, the Light of True Metal has existed in every living thing and has shaped their destinies and their evolution. From the highest of the gods, to the lowliest virus, nothing that now exists has been free of its influence. But one being has always had a special affinity for True Metal."

` ` `"From the day that the ancestors of man crawled from the oceans," spoke Chris Hakius, "And even before, they have been the chosen of True Metal, and the Light has always been strongest in them above all others. But even within them the Light of True Metal was not fully realized. One day though, a great man, the first True Metalhead, transformed sound into music for the first time, and that music was True Metal. It was then that True Metal was finally awakened on Earth to its full potential and the first true Defenders of the Faith were born."

` ` `"The new humans now had a language with which to communicate with those whose speech had been incomprehensible," spoke Al Cisneros, "And the petty feuds which had divided the tiny, isolated tribes began to fade away in the face of this new power that could unify even the bitterest of enemies. The Light of True Metal began to flourish, and with it so did the first True Metalheads. Inspired by the Light, they soon invented agriculture, and built the first settlements, and eventually...brought forth the first civilization."

` ` `"In the cradle of humanity, aeons before our current knowledge of recorded history begins, the Kingdom of Metaliana was founded," spoke Chris Hakius, "And under its influence, all of the disparate heathen tribes that had never known the glory of True Metal finally learned of its truths and were made whole. This was a perfect world. A world that was too perfect to be. It was at this time that the First Poseur came into being."

` ` `"The Light of True Metal recoils from this...creature," spoke Al Cisneros, with a distaste that was palpable even through the distance of his trance, "And my visions of the First are faint, but I do know that he was a being of limitless malice and treachery. He existed within this very city like a cancer and began to poison it and True Metal from the inside out with his vileness. With easy promises of power and wealth he preyed on the innocence and gullibility of True Metalheads who knew nothing of the darkness of false metal, and seduced them into evil.

` ` `"Eventually, the King of Metaliana saw the truth of his treason and banished him," spoke Chris Hakius, "But the First's claws had sunk far more deeply than ever the king had guessed. His followers had become legion, and a great and terrible war erupted that laid waste to Metaliana. Long years of bloodshed saw the ranks of the Defenders dwindle, while the poseurs only continued to multiply like vermin. In the twilight of Metaliana, the holy city of Kadath, where you now stand, was laid siege by the vast hordes of the First. The onslaught of the poseurs was cruel, and they had neither pity nor mercy and after a bitter struggle, the Defenders of the Faith were overcome, the walls breached, and all hope seemed lost."

` ` `"But even as they knew that the end was near," spoke Al Cisneros, "The last King of Metaliana and his remaining retainers, the last True Metalheads left on Earth, numbering no more than a hundred, opened the gates of Kadath and made one last glorious charge into the enemy ranks, knowing that they rode to their doom. These were True Metalheads of the Highest Caliber each and every one, and with the last of the Light of the Hall of Kings imbuing them with a power never seen before or since, they laid waste to all that came before them, and the poseur host would have broken or fled but for the presence of the First. The king and his companions shone with a Light that shamed the sun, but the pure darkness of the First was greater still."

` ` `"Upon the center of the field of battle, surrounded by great mountains of poseur corpses, the king and his men and the First finally met," spoke Chris Hakius, "The resulting clash shook the Earth to its very foundations. One by one, the Defenders fell and did not stir, and yet they would not yield. One by one, they died, until only the king remained, beaten and broken, but still not bowed. The First, with cruelty upon his black breath, promised to spare him if he would but submit and renounce True Metal forever. But the king would not. With the last of his strength, he struggled to his feet and, with one final gesture of defiance, threw up the horns with his left hand, and with his right, struck one last, mighty blow to the First. His last breath spent, the King of Metaliana finally fell, and with him, the last True Metalhead on Earth."

` ` `"But his sacrifice was not in vain," spoke Al Cisneros, "With his last strength the king had struck the First a grievous blow that wounded him to his core. His very essence shattered, the First was cast from this plane of existence and thrown into the very depths of Hel. Yet even then, weakened though he may have been, the virulence of his spirit could not be wholly destroyed, and he began again to gather his strength. Even now the First awaits his time. Even now he plots his revenge and the final eradication of True Metal."

` ` `"And yet the First had been defeated, and his army scattered," spoke Chris Hakius, "Never again would the darkness of false metal cast so terrible a shadow over the world. But his legacy remains: Kadath lay in ruins, its people dead; Metaliana had been devastated through long years of strife, and existed now only in memory. Without its Light, men returned to savagery and war, and a dark age fell that lasted for millennia, until Sumer rose from the ashes of the old world and civilization again returned. Alas, True Metal did not rise with it. Man's innocence had been tainted, and while the Light of True Metal shone still in the hearts of all men, so too now did the darkness of false metal. Not until 1970, when Black Sabbath brought forth their first holy offering, did True Metal return to this world. But with the light comes the darkness, and with True Metal comes false metal, and so the eternal battle begins anew."

` ` `When the oracles had finished their tale, quiet reigned over us like a pall. The sadness which had permeated the Light of True Metal, which had before filled us with dread, now only filled us with a profound sense of sorrow for all that had been lost that none but us were even aware of. Even the jungle itself, so alive with the cacophony of life only a few short minutes before, seemed to have lapsed into a silent melancholy.

` ` `"But that is not why you have come," proclaimed Al Cisneros, breaking us from our somber reveries, "You seek the source of the poseur threat assailing your kingdom."

` ` `The tale of Metaliana's destruction had stoked the flames of my hatred for false metal and all poseurs to a blazing inferno, and I clenched my fist in anger before responding, "Yes. Whose fucking army is invading our borders? Who the fuck destroyed Danzig? And where the fuck can we find them?" Beside me, though they were silent, I felt the determination and resolve of my companions.

` ` `Wreathed in a living storm of marijuana smoke, Chris Hakius replied, "The one you seek is a great and terrible sorceress, a servant of the First whose purpose is to destroy True Metal once and for all and to revive her master, who will then usher in a new age of false metal dominion that will last for all time. You know this woman. She has already tried and failed in her task in your own time, and now she has followed you here to finish her task. She is the poseur sorceress Tipper Gore."

` ` `"Tipper Gore?!" roared Kerry, "That bitch!"

` ` `"You mean that PMRC chick?" asked Joey in shock, "The one that tried to have Congress ban metal? The one married to Al Gore?"

` ` `"That bitch!" roared Kerry.

` ` `"I thought that after her failure she had given up her unworthy cause," said Oscar.

` ` `"That bitch!"

` ` `"And now she's a fucking witch?!" I cried in disbelief, "The fuck is that dumbass shit?!"

` ` `"That fucking bitch!"

__________________