The Batlord

I'm kinda sick of all this hillbilly music for the moment, so I'm gonna take a break from taking a break from metal and go through a few albums that I've been meaning to listen to for a while now. So first up is...

Mayhem: Live In Leipzig

I've never really been the biggest fan of Mayhem's music. I think that if it weren't for their outrageous band history they would be just a footnote in metal history. But their band history does make them sort of unforgettable. Murder. Suicide. Church burnings. Possible cannibalism. What more could you want from an extreme metal band? This is a live album featuring their former vocalist Dead who, ironically, is now dead. The aforementioned suicide. He is generally regarded as their best vocalist and this is the only official recording he appears on, which is why this live album is so (in)famous. The version of "Necrolust" on this album is actually the first Mayhem song I ever heard, but I've never listened to the whole thing before, so here goes...

P.S. I'd just like to mention that Dead sort of gets forgotten in the wake of the whole Varg/Euronymous/stabby stabby thing, but he's a nutbag worthy of note in his own right. Among other stories he used to bury his clothes in the ground before a show so that they would smell like the grave, he had a dead crow that he kept in a plastic bag that he would inhale from before shows, apparently he even kept a dead guinea pig in his pocket because...who knows? My kinda dude.




Alright, basically when you take Mayhem out of the studio you lose the atmosphere and get even more noise. The shitty production doesn't help. Of course, this is black metal after all, so what do you expect? It's sometimes entertaining noise, but you'd have to be a legitimate Mayhem fan (i.e. stupid) to really like this. Dead is a much better vocalist than Attila though. Or at least he doesn't sound like the B-movie version of an extreme metal vocalist. I'm gonna give this some more time to sink in, but I'm not expecting much.

If I had to say that this album had a selling point it would be that Mayhem often sounds like a two dimensional band who only knows how to make noise and do blast beats on De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas. On this album, this is sort of buried in the noise. They definitely sound like a band who only knows how to play noise, but the energy of a live show gives this a hardcore punk quality (which could actually just be down to them being a terrible band who can't even play their songs) that makes them sound less goofy if no more listenable. Like on Mysteriis when they decide to slow down and quit with the two dimensional noise they don't actually sound too bad. "Freezing Moon", "Pagan Fears", "Chainsaw Gutsfuck" (best song name ever), and "Pure Fucking Armageddon" actually sound pretty kewl at times. But yeah, I'm sort of glad I didn't waste fifteen bucks on this when I saw it at FYE that one time.

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Unknown Soldier

Just finished your epic and an epic it is, you know it kind of reminds me of a Warhammer novel especially the Gotrek and Felix ones.

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Metal Wars

Power Metal

Pounding Decibels- A Hard and Heavy History

The Batlord

Arcturus: La Masquerade Infernale

I've listened to Arcturus' first album and loved it. Probably the only symphonic black metal album I do anything more than tolerate. This, their second album is a different kettle of fish. It completely dropped the black metal and went "avant garde". Which usually means a bunch of weirdos who don't really know what avant garde is making something goofy. Just look at that album cover. It says it all. Well, I've never given it more than five or ten minutes of my time, so I'm giving it another chance...







Alright, those vocals are just as ludicrous as I remember. That dude needs to realize that this is the real world, and real people are going to laugh at you if you sing that way. It's clean singing, but with this self consciously "gothy" thing to it that sounds like he's doing the world's worst impression of opera, but without actually singing opera. He doesn't always sound that goofy, but sometimes it's just laughable.

The music is symphonic progressive metal apparently, and doesn't really seem that avant garde to me. It just sounds like the metal version of ludicrously over-the-top, hey nonny nonny 70's prog rock, and I don't know that anyone who wasn't a fan of that kind of music could take this seriously. It's not so much terrible as I'm just not a prog fan and couldn't give less of a shit about this. There are parts that I like, even a song or two, but in general it's just overblown weirdness that flies by while I just tune out until something that I like actually comes on. Maybe Trollheart or Unknown Soldier would get more out of this, but not me.

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The Batlord

Why General Hospital Is Metal as Fuck

Alright, so I was just watching my new favorite show, General Hospital, which I'm sure some of you pussies would say is a most unmetal thing to be doing. Well you are a fool. In the last few episodes a woman was abducted by an unknown person and her parents were trying to find her. They tracked her down to a ship in international waters and went to save her where they were captured. They were then taken to a private island where they discovered that the abductor was a madman thought to have been dead for over ten years. Apparently this wackadoo was in love and obsessed with the mother in the past, but has now transferred his affections to the daughter, who he views as the perfect version of the mother. To keep her perfect he has cryogenically frozen the daughter. Metal. As. Fuck. If you don't believe me, just ask Slayer...

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The Batlord

My Thoughts On Goatpenis

Once upon a time in the late eighties there was a black/death metal band called Blasphemy. Aside from kicking some serious ass, Blasphemy started the sub-genre of war metal. Out of this movement came a band called Goatpenis. Just thinking about Goatpenis makes me happy. They are bar none one of my all time favorite bands. Is their music just that stupendously awesome? I have no idea because I have never listened to them. I love them because their name is Goatpenis. I know that may seem shallow and stupid, but hear me out. Lower your voice a little bit, but not so much that it sounds like you're doing a Rammstein impression. Then say "Goatpenis". Really give the "P" and the "G" some emphasis, and say the name quickly, but don't rush it. It's not about the speed, it's about the rhythm. If you've done it right then you will see that Goatpenis is the greatest name in all of metal. It's vulgar, blasphemous, and so moronic and cliched that it is somehow brilliant. It gives me the image of the perfectly realized archetype of an extreme metal band. You know like when in a show they want to show you that a teenager is mopey and rebellious so they make him listen to some ludicrously stereotypical band with a ridiculous name and that plays really dumb, angry music that no band in history has ever played? Goatpenis would beat the shit out of that band. Unfortunately there is no possible way that Goatpenis' music can ever live up to this image, so listening to them would only ruin their mystique. This is why I have never listened to them and have no intention of ever doing so. My greatest wish is that I might one day buy a Goatpenis album and never listen to it. God I love Goatpenis.

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The Batlord

Pre-Electric Wizard Is Pretty Wizard: Part I

Electric Wizard is pretty ubiquitous for anyone into doom metal, but they had a few earlier incarnations that never got past the demo stage that are worthy of note. I'm not necessarily unfamiliar with them, but I just feel like going over them again. First up...


P.S. If you have taste and want to buy this stuff, there is a collection of all three of these band's only demos that should seriously kick your ass.

Lord of Putrefaction: Wings Over a Black Funeral

Jus Osbourne's first band was a pretty rudimentary death/doom band. This is primitive and ugly as this kind of music gets. This is also, along with Thorr's Hammer and Necro Schizma one of my all time favorite death/doom bands. Perhaps it says something about death/doom that none of these bands ever released a full length album. Perhaps death/doom is not a genre that particularly needs to be refined. Now I'm gonna reacquaint myself with this band because I fucking feel like it...




I'd forgotten how much straight up death metal was on this. There is some pretty generic fast 'n' furious death metal riffing on here, but the whole thing is so primitive that anything more refined or original would just be out of place. The doom doesn't take long to rear it's ugly head though, and being an Electric Wizard-adjacent band this means that your skull is well and truly crushed with some simple, brutal riffs that must weigh more than your average city block. The guitar tone helps this immensely, and is just as distorted and raw as every death metal band's guitar tone should be as far as I am concerned. And I have to mention Jus Osbourne's vocals. They are as guttural as DM vocals get and suit the music perfectly.

"At the Cemetery Gates" actually totally lifts the riff to "Raining Blood" from 1:39 to 2:15 and from 5:16 to 5:51. And I mean it is a blatant rip off. This would be a problem if they didn't use it to make one of those most insanely kick ass doom metal songs I've ever heard. If more bands could rip Slayer off so well then the world would be a better place.

Tasty. I'm already looking forward to the next band...

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The Batlord

Pre-Electric Wizard Is Pretty Wizard: Part II

Thy Grief Eternal: ...On Blackened Wings

I'm not as familiar with Jus Osbourne's second incarnation of what would become Electric Wizard, but I remember it being similar to Lord of Putrefaction, just a bit closer to Electric Wizard. Time to remind myself...




Yeah, the death metal vocals are still present (and sweet), but the rest of the death metal influences have been purged and we are left with pure unadulterated death/doom. Gone are the furious death metal riffs, and we are left with only slow and heavy doom. This is actually some pretty depressing stuff. The raw production of Lord of Putrefaction has also been ditched for a more atmospheric and creepy atmosphere, though it is no less putrid or heavy. If Lord of Putrefaction was city block heavy, then Thy Grief Eternal is another two city blocks on top of that one. It's not Dopethrone heavy, but it's definitely on it's way to bigger and better things. I imagine Jus was listening to a fair share of funeral doom at the time, though this is definitely not funeral doom. Just funeral doom-ish. As such, this isn't as easily approachable as Lord of Putrefaction, and it hasn't quite mastered the art of making slow, drony riffs that work like in Electric Wizard, but this is still quality stuff that is worth your time.

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The Batlord

Pre-Electric Wizard Is Pretty Wizard: Part III

Eternal: Lucifer's Children

Finally we come to the final band that would eventually come to be known as Electric Wizard. I remember this band the least and would partake of them again...




The first thing to notice is that any remaining death metal influences in Thy Grief Eternal are gone. Even the doom isn't as prominent. This is pure stoner metal. Jus had obviously been jamming out to his assuredly used and abused copy of Master of Reality, cause that album is all over this shit. The production on this album isn't the greatest though. It's not quite as heavy as I'd like an Electric Wizard associated band to be even though it's pretty good and muddy. That said, this is some highly fun, if not particularly original stoner metal that shouts it's Sabbath worship from the rooftops. Electric Wizard would soon overshadow this band, but it's good stuff none the less.

Side note: The album begins with the same sample from the beginning of "Wizard In Black" off Come My Fanatics... Kewl.

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Plankton

Cant... stop... laughing...

Where the fuq do you find these?

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See location...

The Batlord

An Edumacation for You Dumb Cunts: Part Drei

Madball

So I'm chillin' in my bedroom one day thinking about what a shitty day I'd just had. I was fired from my job, my car got rear-ended by some asshole with no insurance, and my girlfriend had just filed a restraining order against me. That bitch. So I did the only thing I could do to forget that the world had just had diarrhea in my mouth. I put on Madball's debut album, Set It Off. As soon as I pressed play, Freddy Cricien, Madball's vocalist, busted a hole in my wall and stalked into my room. He then stepped up to me and punched me in the face. I was knocked back against the wall, and then he kicked me in the chest. This knocked the wind out of me and dropped me to the floor. He then kicked me in the face, shattering my nose. Blood was now gushing down my face and soaking my shirt. Crician proceeded to repeatedly punch me in the face, pounding my head against the wall, and knocked several of my teeth out. Not content with this wanton brutality, he grabbed me by the hair and kneed me in the face, breaking my jaw. He then dragged me by the hair into the middle of my room and began kicking me in the stomach. I was pretty sure that he'd broken several of my ribs, and possibly ruptured one of my kidneys. Now he grabbed my hair again and started slamming my head into the floor. In the pool of blood under my face I saw what remained of my front teeth. For the next twenty-six minutes and thirty-eight seconds he continued to beat me senseless. After the album was over Cricien loudly hocked a loogey, and spat on my broken body. With that he knocked another hole in my wall and left, stealing my Spiderman comic books along the way. Summoning the last of my strength I managed to crawl to my stereo. Then I pressed play...

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