Exo

I've have three best friends for the last ten years. One of them moved out to California earlier this year. He has a longtime girlfriend who stayed here in NJ and waited until she saved up enough money to make the move. They made the move about three weeks ago.

She called me last night crying and saying that they were broken up. I asked why and she said that she thinks that my friend is cheating on her because she found evidence of it on Instagram and Snapchat. It was just a couple messages, nothing bad, but that she's still worried. I basically told her that he was being a jerk but that I honestly didn't think he would ever cheat on her. Before you say "bros before hoes", I've known her since 1st grade. She is a good friend of mine.

This morning she texted me saying they broke up for good. She'll be coming home in a few months. I called my friend and asked what was going on. I started by apologizing for talking to his lady behind his back. He said it's fine but that I was wrong about him. I asked why and he said that he was planning on cheating on her. In fact, he already has twice. I asked with who. He said hookers. I was shocked and he corrected himself by saying "Well, not hookers, more like happy ending massages."

A little background on my best friend. He's had a history of depression mixed with SERIOUS marijuana use since high school. I smoke weed. This kid smokes an unhealthy amount of weed. He's worked on weed farms. He has weed on him and is smoking at all hours of the day. It's how he lives. The weed smoking and the depression has led to him making very rash and regrettable decisions in the past. He and his girlfriend have broken up before and he's always regretted it. He also has adopted a very "It's my life and I'll do what I want" attitude lately. If what he's doing makes him feel good he's going to do it no matter who it hurts in the process.

So, I talked to him about these things. I didn't sugarcoat anything. I told him that I didn't agree with what he's doing. I told him that I think paying for any kind of sex, be it a handjob or hooker, is sad. I told him I don't think it's right for him to convince his girlfriend to fly across the country to be with him only to break up with her three weeks later. I think it's scummy and just not cool considering how good of a person she is. He obviously wasn't fond of me saying those things and I told him that this isn't just a matter of his girlfriend, but rather a sign that he's going down an undesirable path and that it's a path I don't like at all. Things settled down and he basically told me that he doesn't expect me to understand his lifestyle because I generally live my life with caution and careful planning. We agreed to talk about this later.

I'm lost. I don't know how to further this situation. I'm not going to try to campaign for them to get back together. I don't know the inner workings of their relationship, only they do. I do however think he's going to not only regret this decision but that he's going to suffer the effects of that regret hard. I'm worried that once he snaps out of this weird phase that he's going through that he's going to be on the other side of the country, with no friends besides his weed friends, and that he's going to be alone. On the contrary, it could be that this is how he's going to live his life and most likely do other sad and scummy sh*t in the future. I'm not going to continue to be a part of that life. My brother is a recovering heroin addict and I learned in that period that sticking close to a person who is systematically ruining their life only causes damage to your own life. I'll try to change that as much as I can but there is a limit that will be reached and I'm afraid I could lose my friend.

Is this normal? Am I being a sensitive Sally about this? Should I have just said "hey man, not my business, do what you want" to him? I'm usually good with dealing with these sorts of things but that guy is stubborn as **** and just isn't budging.

Any advice?

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Chula Vista

Dude.

Are you really expecting any sort of decent advice based on that post?

Good lord. That sh*t's messed up.

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“The fact that we live at the bottom of a deep gravity well,
on the surface of a gas covered planet going around a nuclear fireball 90 million miles away
and think this to be normal is obviously some indication of how skewed our perspective tends to be.”

Blarobbarg

It kind of sounds like both you and she are better off without him. I wouldn't necesarily drop contact with him or anything like that, but I wouldn't try to change him or let him in too deep into your own life at this point. He's clearly poisonous, and drinking that poison will only result in hurting yourself.

But that whole situation is screwed up and there's a lot of gray areas. There's no simple answer, that's for sure.

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Exo

I don't expect advice but gauging the reactions of you guys may help put this all into a better perspective. He doesn't see how immature he is being with this whole thing. Sometimes I start to understand why people don't like weed. He's been smoking since high school and I think it has seriously affected his maturation. He kept telling me that he's doing what makes him happy but I've never known him to be the kind of guy where hookers make him happy. It's insane.

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Trollheart

To be honest, I was expecting you to tell us that this girl is now coming on to you, or that you're having feelings for her and wonder if it's just that you're trying to protect her/provide a harbour or if there's something there. Given that that is not the case --- your business if it is and you haven't told us --- I think you learned with your brother that no matter what you do, no matter how you point out how bad stuff is that they're doing, you can't change someone's life or even attitude unless they want to change it. But as Blaro says, getting too involved in this will threaten to drag you down, so I would say let him get on with it and see how it goes with him. If he "snaps out of it" and wants you as a friend again, fine. If not, then that's his decision. Personally, from what you've written here before I think you have/had enough stress in your life without trying to take on someone else's too.

You say he's been more or less like this all his life, so what makes you think he will change now? What age is he by the way? In any case, you can't force change so if he's not willing to listen to reason you're just going to waste your efforts and stress yourself out. In the end, callous though it may seem, I would say adopting the "your life, nothing to do with me" attitude is the sanest, and safest course.

Can I have change back from my two cents now please?

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Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018

Ninetales

I cant say your situation is similar at all to anything ive gone through, but I lost contact with a few very good friends. 2 of them relating to drugs. both times it was more them breaking contact with me than the other way around tho and they were more a product of "im delving deeper into drugs=less time for you" than outright dismissal of friendship. And that sort of sounds like whats happening with you here imo. Like I doubt you would (or I hope you wont) just cut him out of your life willingly. hes on the other side of the country, so im guessing you guys only text or Skype or whatever atm anyways, and im guessing that will slow down as time goes by, especially if his ex is done with him for good. But I wouldn't outright say "we're done never contact me again". yeah hes probably being a huge idiot, but I don't think at this point that theres any reason to sever all ties seeing as how hes so far away and you cant possibly see him much anyway. and when you do run into him again, Im thinking youd rather not just ignore each other like strangers.

one of my best friends from middle school got into drugs towards the end of junior high. I never got into that crowd and we sort of just stopped hanging out much. we went to the same high school but spoke maybe twice. not even sure he graduated tbh. since then I hadn't seen him for years until a couple years ago I saw him on the bus. he sat by me and we spend the entire half hour ride reminiscing of when we were best friends and ****. he told me how he got kicked out of his house after hs and lived on the streets for a while but was now trying to get his life back on track. I drove him home and that was the last time I saw him (until 4 days ago actually, I played hockey with him. weird stuff.) I don't think he actually got sober at that time but whatever. not my place and I frankly don't really care much. we're not friends any more but if we meet its like nothing ever changed. like we still get along and we'll shoot the shit but then we go our separate ways and that's that for another few years I guess. sorry for the tangent, but that's what I see with you and your friend now. I doubt youll ever be best friends again (I could be wrong, and I don't know your relationship leading up to this event) but youll hang out every once and a while and nothing else will matter. him being immature and stupid wont matter. him boning hookers wont matter. youll chat, have a beer, etc and then go on with your lives.

So no, I wouldn't try and actively change his life or mind about these things, but I wouldn't actively shut him out either. my guess is youll just drift apart (if you haven't started to already). concentrate on your own life; you cant change everyone

this all could be very terrible advice, idk, but that's how I see it without all the facts of the sitch. apologies if all ive said is garbage.

Exo

He's 24. Yeah, I've got my own issues to deal with, but the fact that he's on the other side of the country means I can only do so much over the phone. I was looking for some magic words to try to help him out. They may not be there though. Also, I don't give change,

I'll never break contact with him but in the same light if he starts doing scumbag **** like this on a regular basis I'm not going to really value him as a friend. I like my friends to be good people generally and what he's doing isn't what a good person would do.

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The Batlord

This. If you no longer even like being in his presence, then **** him, but otherwise, unless you're being dragged into his **** I don't see how this problem is going to really be made your problem. Just go with the groove for now.

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ladyislingering

I think that she should definitely leave his ass behind. He sounds like a disgusting man-child. There is so much room for her to do better. She needs to get out of there before he gives her some kind of STD. If a guy can't be true, he's not worth your time. If all he's going to do is sit on his ass, smoke weed, and play with his dick all the time, he's got about as much value as a paperweight.

It's such a shame that he enticed her to waste so much of her time and money on him. Poor girl.

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Plankton

How to Spot a Sociopath (with Pictures) - wikiHow

Unless you're a Psychologist, or planning to be one and want to practice up on your counseling skills, then what I would do, and this is only me talking from experience, is get as far away from that person as possible. He's on a downward spiral, and will drag the people closest to him down without even knowing... or caring for that matter.

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